My husband is a very strong determined person. He gets loud, belligerent and simply refuses to bathe. I have been giving him sponge baths from his chair which he refuses to leave.
Now we have this additional issue. I do not want to place him in a home. It is important to me to care for him. He has been in this stage (?) for 3 1/2 to 4 years. I just dont know what to do.
The link above is to your county area agency on aging. These local gov offices are in place to help seniors age at home. Check yours out to see what services they offer for you and your husband. As your daughters are encouraging you to get things in order, this might be a good place for you to start.
Also contact a Home Health agency to see if your insurance covers their services for a homebound patient. Husband would need a prescription from his doctor but they can assess him for services and help you get the prescription if he qualifies.
Don’t wait until there is an emergency. Even if you aren’t ready for him to be cared for in a facility, you may not get to choose exactly when that moment is. Best to be prepared.
The more help you get now, the longer you will be able to manage his care.
Is there something about a shower that he doesn’t like? Is he scared about slipping and falling? Perhaps you need a swivel bath chair so that he doesn’t need to physically step in and out of the tub? Could it be that he doesn’t like how the water feels? Could the solution be changing the shower to a hand-held so you have better control? Maybe he’s cold and you need to put in a space heater to warm the room up first? Maybe he doesn’t like the soap and you need to find one less fragrant, or of a smell he likes (ie: Body Shoppe - would he like strawberry body wash?). Did he have a bad experience and maybe now is guided by fear?
PSW aides to help might be a way too, as funkygrandma suggested. Sometimes they can get what needs to be done faster, and easier than family.
However, first I would try and get to the root of the problem.
I too like the idea of an aide to bathe him. People seem to be much more cooperative with strangers and "professionals" than they are with their caregivers.
If he will not cooperate with any of this, you probably have no choice but to place him somewhere eventually. Or give up on trying to keep him as clean as he should be.
But until you come to that point, you may want to try hiring some aides to come a couple time a week to get him in the shower. Often times outsiders have much better luck getting someone to bathe than family members do.
Whatever you decide to do, please make sure that you're taking care of yourself, as you are just as important as your husband. God bless you, as you get things figured out.