I’ve asked my brother on more than one occasion if you would please help me or shall I say give me more time off so I can catch a break. Both times that I asked him, he changed the subject and then also said he was too busy FYI he’s a retired fireman and he only lives 20 minutes away. Can you suggest a way I can communicate with him that might be more receptive? Because I’m starting to get really resentful. Thank you
You are not his employee so you do not have to "request" time off from him.
Write down what hours or days you want or need off. Then give it to him and tell him to make an alternative care arrangement. Of course offer to help with finding the alternative care needed even though he's one "in charge" so it's his job and responsibility to do this. If you have a special occasion planned and need a different day off, or a few for something give it to him in writing (plain English) and a week or two notice to find respite for mom.
If he fails to do his duty, if no caregiver shows up for respite care, put your mother in the car and drive her over to his house and drop her off.
Remember something. Your brother is the one getting off easy here because he doesn't have to do any of the actual day to day care himself for your mother. This does not mean that he can shirk what are his responsibilities. Stop allowing him to neglect his duty before it turns to real resentment for you.
Some POAs try to save money so there is more to inherit. But, Moms money is there for her care.
Does your mom have an actual medical diagnosis of dementia by her doctor? How advanced is it? If it's mostly memory impairment she may still be able to create or change a PoA. An attorney would interview her privately to see what she can comprehend. Memory is not that much of an issue in this, understanding is.
It is true that your brother is under no obligation to help care for her. Neither of you should be paying for her living expenses or care, as this is unsustainable. Have you considered adult day care? Or contacting social services for your county to have an in-home needs assessment for her? If she qualifies she can receive some light housekeeping, meal prep, help with hygiene, etc. Please provide more information about your situation if you can.
Your brother has made it clear that he won't be doing any care, he is not obligated to. So, you pay someone to help her.
Hopefully you are getting paid to house and feed her, at a minimum. Your efforts should not secure his inheritance.
Executor does not come into effect until after death, so it is a mute point, unless he is using that to control moms money. If that is the case, it is time to get an attorney for mom so that she can pay for her care.
You have asked your Brother, he has said no. So. What's next?
You could ask nicely, plead, push, lay on the guilt... He can still say no plus your relationship will suffer.
What if he lived 3 states away, had an illness himself or you didn't have a sibling at all - what would you do instead? Who else could you ask? Have you looked into aging services or home help in your area at all?
When caring for others, it's a great start to look after yourself too. Put your own oxygen on first etc. If your Brother can't hand you the oxygen, find others that can.
Sorry
Look for your area agency on aging. Call them and ask for an assessment of your and moms needs. See what services are available. Depending on moms insurance, home health care is available as a benefit for homebound seniors who have health issues. She may even qualify for hospice which can include respite. Check out the various services offered by organizations that better understand what you are going through. Don’t discount small layers of help. It can make a difference.
See if your own insurance has provisions for therapy.
It’s very disappointing to be mistreated by family. I get that. Refocus on looking where there is help available. Resenting your brother puts an additional emotional burden on you.
A line you could use is to say that you are reaching the end of your ability to cope, and if you can’t get some relief your mother may need to go into a facility for care. This will be very expensive and will eat up most of her capital. If he can’t manage to give you a break himself, could he pay and arrange for a carer? You can’t afford it, and it would be cheaper than running down her estate with a facility. If he pleads poverty, then mother’s money should pay, and you give the impression that he would need to OK that..
Even if you don’t really mean this, eventually it may be true. It is quite possible that your brother will either rethink his unwillingness to help, or follow the suggestion of arranging a carer to help. With highly resistant family members, money is often a strong motivation. If he doesn’t know the normal cost of what you are providing, it’s time he found out. Good luck!