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He is not diagnosed but showing a lot of signs of dementia, including anger and inappropriate behavior. We've found that spending short times with him — a simple meal, a trip to the store — are the only ways we can handle him. (He lives in AL nearby)
My daughter is graduating high school and he keeps saying he wants to come, but it's a huge school so it's going to be at a local college stadium and it will be several hours long. He has a way of making things all about him — this was true before his decline — and I just don't want to deal with it. It's my daughter's day, and we want to celebrate her. My sister will be coming from out of town so I was thinking of having a dinner the night before, something more manageable, but I know he will be upset. And yet, I can't be his caretaker on this day. I want to be there for my kid! I want to take a lot of pictures and cheer and enjoy it. Is that wrong?

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"Dad, they have limited the tickets to immediate family only. I am really sorry we can't bring you to graduation, but you would have been very uncomfortable anyway. We will bring you over for the dinner we are having for our family to celebrate."

And don't forget to turn off your phone during the graduation ceremony in case Dad calls...
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Most HS graduations I've ever attended have a limit on the number of guests each graduate can have. Even if your daughter's school does not have that guideline, you can always fib and say it does and there's a limit on number of guests allowed to attend. I have a daughter who's a junior in HS and I totally understand wanting to be able to enjoy the day and make it about her, and you should be able to. A few years ago, when my dad started declining, it became too hard to get him in and out of places, and he also had anger issues due to beginnings dementia that I didn't realize what it was at the time, but we started limiting time with him in public situations because it got to be so hard - I used the little white lies often to avoid drama. Do what you need to do to make the day special and memorable and drama-free for your daughter and your immediate family.
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The short answer:

HE DOESN'T GO TO THE GRADUATION.

Have it available on Zoom or something so he can watch it at home / where he lives.

Yes: Expect that he will be upset. This is what / how he reacts. While some may be his 'M.O.' - his behavior may have more to do with brain chemistry changes. When this happens, you need to adjust your behavior and boundaries.

The 'best' way to deal with his upset-ness / outbursts is to provide reflective listening: "Yes, I realize you are upset." ... "We are disapointed to that you won't be able to attend."

Or

What I (might/) would do ...

Not mention it to him. Will he forget it?
The more you make a big production out of this event, the more he will react accordingly as he wants to be a part of the celebration, understandably.

Tell him it has been postponed due to Covid or something.
He doesn't need to know. And, you DO need to keep him in environments that he can handle, which may be very limited now.

It is VERY NICE of you to consider a dinner the night before.
You are VERY thoughtful in how you want to include him.

Your focus on the special day needs to be on the graduation / photo taking, etc.
He needs to stay home.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Can you hire a caregiver for just that weekend?
We did that so my mother could attend her grandson's marriage.
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Good Morning,

There comes a time that what the family always used to do, things will be done differently this year. For example, most schools nowadays stream graduation ceremonies.

Or, better yet have photos taken with the graduate if they are nearby in State.

What I do now with my mother, was different a year ago. I am not going to make taking my mother out a spectacle. I am not going to throw my back out, drag my mother through a venue and worry about finding a bathroom.

People with Dementia do not like a lot of noise. It confuses them. You have to be honest with yourself. My parents met at a wake in the 1950's. My dad never missed a wake. Fast-forward Dad is gone, Mom is elderly and I simply send a Mass card or some type of condolence. I do not drag mother out to funeral homes.

Keep it simple, not a lot of fanfare. As the elderly age and become frail their life becomes smaller. Their environment has be thought out. I can no longer take my mother to the grocery store so she can walk up and down the aisles on her UpWalker Lite. It' takes too much out of her and right now it's become more of a worry than what used to be considered exercise and a coffee afterwards.

But I do take mother out locally in the neighborhood with the better weather. I have a physical therapist coming to the house. You have the make the changes as the disease progresses.

This is Graduation season and you asked but I wouldn't do it. Too much can go wrong. Although everyone has a cell phone with a camera on it. You can send a gift. Use Facetime whatever.

Keep it simple...don't feel guilty if you can bring your loved one to every event!
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BlueEyedGirl94 Apr 2023
Ireland - you make a great point that I think our resident "take Grandpa at all costs - everyone else's feelings on the matter be damned" propagandist is missing.

Something like a graduation - especially one of this size - could be very confusing and disconcerting for someone with dementia. The noise, the crowds, the length of time required. The frustration I'm sure they would feel - as well as the frustration their family and/or caregivers would feel trying to provide a safe environment for them in a place like a STADIUM would probably be very overwhelming.

On the low end- a college stadium can hold 30,000 people. Now I can't imagine that a high school graduation would draw that many people. BUT, they don't typically use a venue like that unless they have a large class (Otherwise they just do the graduation at their own school) So I'm betting there are at least 400 graduates. If everyone gets at least 10 tickets and uses them all you are looking at 4,000 people NOT counting the graduates, Junior Marshals, all of the teachers, superintendent, special speakers, and other county officials, and potentially band and chorus members. So you are looking at around 4,500 people.

That's not a small number of people even in a venue that size. What happens if grandpa manages to wander off? No one knows him but their family. He could potentially manage to get away from them enough in that venue that no one could find him, he could get outside of the venue. Confused by all of the noise, unfamiliar surroundings.

I guess my point is this - if just giving DMB and her daughter a well deserved day to celebrate such a wonderful accomplishment without making them feel guilty isn't possible for some people - maybe they should look at it from another point of view.

Maybe they should look at it as protecting grandpa by NOT taking him. Why put him in any potential danger. The family will be distracted. The entire situation is the perfect set up for something to go wrong. Why take the chance when you don't have to? Why, when he may not even pay attention and potentially distract everyone else - and be just as content to watch it later - would you subject him to that?
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Hey, Happygo50 - since you claim to have so much more qualified experience with elders with dementia, and you seem to feel that it would be cruel to not include grandpa, why don't you send DMB a private message and YOU arrange to bring grandpa to the graduation and keep him "in line" for the duration of the ceremony?

Seriously, while I get the desire to include all family members, and you seem to think grandpa would be fine - even though you have no first-hand experience with this man, where I am sure DMB has - what happens, in the "off chance" (at least in your mind's eye) if grandpa DOESN'T cooperate at the graduation? Do you have any stellar advice for THAT little scenario?

DoingMyBest, you know your dad better than anyone of us here. If your gut feeling says not to even attempt this, then DON'T DO IT. Might he be mad? Maybe, but you know what? He'll get over it. And even if he never does, you will at least have seen this *HUGE* event in your daughter's life.

High School graduation is a very emotional time, not just for you, the parent, but also for your daughter! Both of my children, while they professed to not be able to wait until graduation, cried afterward. It's the reality of the end of childhood and the first step into adulting. If nothing else, your daughter deserves your undivided attention if she becomes emotional, without having to worry about a "grandpa meltdown". Go to her graduation with a happy heart, no grandpa and no guilt!
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Hopeforhelp22 Apr 2023
happygo - for clarity, since you said that "you have a family member, who has dementia, bipolar and schizophrenia, that you take places"...it would help a lot if you elaborated - such as, which family member is this...how old are they...are you the primary care giver.....and, how often are you involved.....and this family member - what places have you taken them to?

You're very confident in this, so as a learning tool, it would really help having more insight as to what specifically you do. Your thoughts?
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You are not being selfish wanting to celebrate your daughter's milestone. Just stop mentioning it to him and forget about the dinner the night before, he'll just make you feel bad. Go and enjoy your day and don't feel guilty.
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DoingMyBest73: An elder with dementia AND inappropriate behavior patterns would seal the deal for me; do not punish yourself by bringing him. Take photos and/or videos to share with him later. Congratulations to your daughter!
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I apologize that so many mean and unknowlegable people have responded to your post.
Consider joining the Alzheimer's Dementia Caregiver's FB Support Group. It is a place where you can vent without judgment and get some good advice and support:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/dementiacaregiversupportgroup/?ref=share&mibextid=NSMWBT
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LoopyLoo Apr 2023
Who has been mean here? Advising not to take her father is hardly mean.
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I had replied earlier but adding to that..
The last graduation I went to and this was just last year.
Class of about 400
They (staff/administrators)allowed the "kids" / young adults to stand in line how they wanted to stand..with their friends. Not in alphabetical order.
The kids I went to see graduate..last name began with a B
I was in the bleachers,. Metal bleachers. It was cold. Graduation started about 3 but that was just the beginning. Speeches later the actual graduation started. I watched for 3 or 4 hours on a giant screen that was being shown. It was the only way to see what was going on.
Not particularly fun afternoon. There is NO way I would have been able to bring my Husband had he been even at the early stage of his dementia. I would not have trusted his balance on the bleachers, I do not think he could have or would have sat for 3 or 4 hours, actually he would not have.
There were families with young children that were having a difficult time getting young kids to behave.
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Don't do it. The cost of being a Good Scout by including him will not equal the anxiety you will face during the whole ceremony. More than two decades ago I made arrangements to have my mother attend the exchange of the vows at my wedding ceremony (brought there by a health aide I arranged). We got married at City Hall and the ceremony took place on the marble steps of the grand foyer. The Justice of the Peace was my favorite City Clerk whom I knew as a reporter. Only immediate family at City Hall... reception had our friends. I'd just had to place my mother in an SNF three weeks before because she had ceased to be independent enough to continue in Assisted Living due to dementia. I was stressed out the whole time and our City Clerk/JP had to prompt me to respond to my part of the vows, because I was looking over his shoulder at my mother in her wheelchair; she was revving up for a panic attack just as I was supposed to respond. My brother (who gave me away) told me later that just at that point she was saying that she 'had to pee'. We didn't have to halt the ceremony to call 911 but I honestly do not remember any feelings from that time... those attending told me it was a happy time for them so we had at least SOME success. So, don't do it. Don't do it. He'll rob you of any enjoyment of this special day for your daughter and she should feel as if she is worthy of full attention. This'll only happen once.

Oh, by the way, my husband and I are about to celebrate our 21st anniversary, so that worked out.
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Hire a caregiver to be with him during your event. I don’t know if you’re introduced caregivers to him yet though. Videotape it for him? FaceTime him on your phone and let him watch from there? Good luck!
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Doingmybest,

Your daughter’s graduation high school graduation happens once. You can’t do it over again. Don’t risk ruining it by taking your dad along.
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Happy, tell us who you care for, please. I'm sure we could learn from you.

Most of us here either have parents with dementia complicated by lifelong mental illness or are not able to quit our jobs to provide hands on care for our elderly family members.

My mom, who had Vascular Dementia, was not mentally ill but suffered from terrible anxiety. Psych meds helped, but so did being around lots of other people in her facilities. She benefitted from the professional medical care she got in her SNF.

I had/have a mortgage and no other means of support besides my job. Being mom's 24/7 caregiver would have ruined me financially.

My MIL also had dementia, but was combative and threatening. She threatened to call APS on my husband for pointing out to her that smoking with COPD was not a good idea. He walked out. He could not afford a lawyer to defend himself against abuse charges.

There are folks here who don't realize that their parents are not supposed to be calling the tune for their adult children to dance to.

Most of us are happy to arrange care, advocate for our parents, but not willing to give up our livelihoods, our time with minor children, grandchildren and aging spouses to tend folks who need professional care.
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ZippyZee Apr 2023
Don't respond to her and eventually she'll go away.
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no it is not wrong to want to enjoy your daughter's milestone, this is her day. If your sister is coming or someone else can, he needs to be home with them and having a dinner before or after should be fine. You will have to tell him it's too far away and the trip will be too much for him. I had this problem with my mother at my daughter's bridal shower, she actually tortured me and ruined what was supposed to be a happy day for my daughter. She also was screaming and demanding to be taken home on Thanksgiving right after we got her to my house. I had to also tell my brother that I wasn't doing this anymore, he never takes her for holidays, and I think he didn't believe me until I actually didn't have her for Christmas. My family and I went the next day and brought her food and did a small celebration at her home. It was so much better and she was able to enjoy her family in her own surroundings. The tension has lessened and though hard I did what I felt was better for all of us. Stand your ground.
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I don't think I would let him come. The graduation is too long. Can you leave him with a family member or caregiver? Good luck.
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Do several events. Enjoy and celebrate your daughter for the graduation. Do a more rowdy party for your daughters friends and younger family. Then plan a more intimate dinner party in which you and your daughter can enjoy and spend time with dad/grandpa. You can perhaps show a video of the graduation and have pictures with your dad with your daughter in an album and share times that he may actually remember.
DO NOT allow yourself to be guilt tripped into something that will have you stressed and not enjoy your daughters day.
We were guilt tripped into caregiving a family member longer than the agreed time and we missed spending family events with one of our daughters the entire week before we lost her in a tragic accident. If it helps, your dad is probably picturing his own graduation or yours which were different from graduations today.
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BarbBrooklyn Apr 2023
I'm so sorry for your tragic loss.
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Why is your dad NOT diagnosed ...? is the question that pops up in my brain.
And, NO, he should NOT be invited to your daughters graduation.
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Happygo - I was going to reply to your post - and then I thought it might be beneficial to add this in the regular stream. How long has it been since you have been to a high school graduation? And was it AT the high school? Or did you have to journey to a convention center or college stadium to watch your graduate cross the stage and get that diploma?

Let's level set. DoingMyBest has stated that her father shows signs of dementia. Including ANGER and inappropriate behavior. She has stated that he is only really managed well for SHORT durations. She has stated that JUST THE GRADUATION will be several hours. Which, by the way, very likely does not include ensuring that he is ready, picking him up from the AL, driving TO the stadium, sitting in traffic to park, walking TO the (or utilizing a wheelchair) the stadium entrance, and standing IN LINE for potentially an hour to gain entrance and the mad rush that ensues to find a seat. If you have a wheelchair, the options are usually limited. So BEFORE the graduation even starts...you probably have at least TWO HOURS in on this day.

And you probably aren't getting there RIGHT when the graduation is supposed to start. It is likely that they get there early to get good seats. And that they will still be sitting there for ATLEAST another 30 minutes until the graduation starts.

And then finally it will start. THREE HOURS of OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN walking across the stage. That will probably be a pretty good distance away depending on where they are sitting. And the better view - will be on the STADIUM SCREENS.

Let's imagine for a second how this will go. IF her father has managed to be patient for the nearly 2 1/2 hours it take just to get to the BEGINNING of the graduation - which is doubtful - are we really thinking that he is going to be able to sit for another 3 hours and patiently wait through all of those kids he doesn't know? Are we really thinking he is not going to be hungry, tired, need to go to the bathroom at least 3 times, uncomfortable, unable to see, unable to hear, ready to go home during this time?

Now...if her graduation is anything like my daughters - and most of them are pretty universal - the Principal or Headmaster will ask that everyone hold their applause until every name has been called in the interest of time. Which will promptly go right out the window as soon as the very first name is called and will not ever be adhered to for the remainder of the students crossing that stage. Add to that - the shouting, clapping - the AIRHORNS and COWBELLS. And any other noisemakers you can imagine to single out their kids. Maybe that is just our school system or just our state since I have been to other counties. But even though they are supposed to be dignified events, they often turn into somewhat of a free-for-all when it comes to celebrating the graduates.

THEN you have the after graduation - the crowds crushing out of the building to find their students. Calling out for each other, bumping into each other. Gleeful shouting and kids running across the areas to hug people. Happy screams. Sometimes balloons popping. If they graduate at night- flashes going off as people take pictures. Cars honking as graduates head off to parties.

And then the reversal of the trip to the venue.

So what was that total? Like 6 or 7 hours? How's dad doing? Is he still playing nice? Content to sit quietly while everyone focuses their attention on the graduate? Has he been startled or completed disconcerted by the noise, the crowds, the amount of time away from his normal schedule and typical environment.

So...is it still selfish to make the day about her daughter? I would counter that it is selfish to take dad. To all of them. Dad will be miserable. And so will everyone else! Let her daughter & DMB enjoy the day!! It's just one day! He can watch the video later in comfort!
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Way2tired Apr 2023
Spot on BlueEyed!!!

That’s what graduations are like by me !!
That would be a miserable day for someone with dementia .
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This is really an event for your daughter. It is your time to reflect on her childhood and cheer for her success.

Graduations can also be difficult for children (and plenty of adults) to sit through.

Can you bring along a relative or family friend to assist your dad if he needs or wants to leave for any reason? If not, and you fear this is a likelihood, tell him that the tickets are limited to parents and you will celebrate afterward with a graduation meal. If you feel it is unsafe for him to stay home alone, hire someone or ask a relative to stay with him or better yet, take him on an outing so that he is distracted and able to enjoy his day as well.
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Why not hire a caregiver for that day. Someone who can take care of your dad’s needs while you enjoy the graduation. Then if he acts up, the caregiver can handle it or take him home if needed.
We are all caregivers on a daily basis but getting extra help for that day is probably the best solution.
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lkdrymom Apr 2023
Because sometimes that is even a lot of work. How would you go about finding the caregiver? Who is going to pay for it? What if there is a limit on tickets to the graduation....you are going to use one for the eldersitter?

If the elder is anything like my father he won't even care about the graduation, just that people are paying attention to him. He would be bugging whomever he was sitting next to with his constant chatter about himself.
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How about recording the event so that everyone can review it on their own terms and wherever they live?
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happygo50

”That’s your opinion “.

My sister in law brought her mother to my mothers wake . I did not mind .
However, the poor woman who has dementia and is very confused , had no idea who anyone was or where she was . My sister in law left her alone propped in a chair in the corner of the room . The woman was visibly uncomfortable and kept asking where she was . I went over and spent some time with the woman and asked her if she was hungry or thirsty or needed to use the bathroom . The woman would have been more comfortable in her own surroundings in memory care . So yes , sometimes you protect them from “ events”.

Some times the behavior is because they are uncomfortable , it’s too crowded , too loud etc .
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If he comes, make sure to have a caregiver for the day who is aware of the situation. He or she can leave early with dad if he gets unruly. He or she can attend to needs, wants, questions, etc.

My parents were caring for a grand-aunt during my graduation. It was such a mixed bag. I was excited to be done with high school. I was happy my grand-aunt wanted to be there. But as I walked across the stage I could see where my parents were seated. They were paying attention to her and trying to get her to hold on a moment before going to the restroom. In the scheme of things later, it felt like a minor inconvenience. However, at the time it was such a disappointment that other family couldn't have stepped in for that day.

My parents learned from that. When I graduated from college, two aunts were broken down on the highway. They wanted my mother to pick them up. However, mom simply told them she would call a cab. Then my uncle who said college was no big deal did not want to attend but saw it as free babysitting and food for his kids. He wanted my parents to pick up and care for these two kids for hours. Mom refused. And you know what? The world kept turning and my mom and dad got the pride of their only child graduating from college and being the first in the family to do so. I didn't have to share that moment or experience with small children or anyone else who could have derailed it.

While I don't think people should be shut away from the world because of things like dementia, I do think that we all have to be selective in what we do or participate in during our lives. And sometimes our caregivers and family have to step in to remind us of that.

For example, a cousin got married on a farm last year. I knew my allergies, physical limitations, and overall bad relationship with extended family would make it a miserable experience. Instead I sent a gift and saved the airfare. I told the bride that I couldn't wait to Facetime with her and have her show me the pics so I could relive the day with her. She admitted to me recently that she loved that because we had one on one time and her special day was more than one day because of it. As she said, she couldn't talk about it in the same way with people who were there and saw everything already.
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Have you considered telling him that the school has offered a limited number of tickets to attend the event (i.e. limited to parents/siblings) and that you will pick him up after the ceremony to celebrate?
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pamzimmrrt Apr 2023
Where I live that is actually the case!
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Have a private, small graduation especially for dad at the dinner you want to plan. Get restaurant with a large group room. Invite 4-5 of daughter's friends and tell them what you want to do. Get someone he doesn't know to play the role of principal, call the kid's names to come forward and give each a rolled up paper like diploma. By then, all the kids would have their caps and gowns, so they can dress just like graduation.
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I would not want to ruin my grandchild’s graduation or wedding. I’m already assuming I would be too old to go to the wedding. And as far as graduation , I’ll be satisfied with being included in the family dinner afterwards IF possible . I don’t need to sit on the bleachers😬😬

I’ll be content watching a recording and looking at photos

Maybe pre dementia grandpa would not want to be sitting at the graduation if he thought he might make a scene .
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We have had similar situations with my mother's health and her wanting to be at my children's water polo games and graduation. One thing that arose was that my daughter was so worried about her grandmother having an episode and making a scene, it impacted her playing. (She did fine but she told me later about the stress it caused her). With my son's Ivy-league graduation, the flying and extensive walking on uneven, hilly, ground would have been a huge issue, so I just told her that, and while she wasn't happy, she didn't have much choice. She wouldn't have been able to do it without my help, and I wouldn't have been able to be there for my son and the activities around the graduation, had she been there. It worked out, and I am sorry she missed it, but it was for the best.

I mean, what is the point of attending if the stress levels are so high that nobody is happy?
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I'm pondering a similar situation. My 93 yr. old mother wants to fly from Illinois to California to go to my son's wedding. She is not well, has Parkinson's, can't walk or hardly talk. She wants to be center of attention and have everyone wait on her. My plan is to let her know we would like to have her there but we are worried about her health. Her doctor's won't be around and it will take much walking on uneven pavement, etc. Thus far, we are going to Zoom her into the activities as much as we can. I'm also thinking about hiring her caretaker to go with her but again this is back breaking work. I asked my son to explain to her why it's best for her to stay home and we will use technology to involve her as much as we can.
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My parents were unable to attend my daughters' weddings because of significant health issues and mom's increasing dementia. I live out of town, and all my life my parents have been saying, "I just want to live long enough to attend the girls' weddings." I spent a lot of time evaluating what to do--long story short, it was simply not possible to make it happen without really upending the boat.

My heart is truly broken to this day. This was just over a year ago, and dad died shortly before the first wedding. But I have had time to consider what I wish I had done and what was possible, and I do not think, in our case, there was any other way.

A big issue that I have not seen mentioned is that I was older when I had my kids, and my girls married a bit late, making my own parents very old and sick by the time my kids' weddings finally came around. Their own parents, my grandparents, were dead before they reached the age my parents were last year--well into their 80s. My daughters had to be the focus of my day.

I have a brother who declined to attend the weddings, and I think it was in part because he would have been expected to try to bring my parents. That made all of it even harder.

My thought is to carefully consider all your options realistically, and then just accept what has to happen. Others say here often--sometimes it just is what it is.
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