I believe my brother and his fam are trying to get rid of me. My brother and his wife somehow convinced them they owed him that money for coming here. I left my job and friends and sold both of my houses to come here, but have asked for nothing.
When I arrived a year ago, my brother, his wife, two kids now ages 27 and 30, and a 50 yr old boyfriend had been here 2 years already, living rent-free in a house they picked and had my parents buy. My parents complained that they never got to choose the house and the one my brother picked was $100k more than they'd agreed upon. They were also paying my brother's living expenses.
I'd assumed he'd been taking care of our parents, but when I arrived, I discovered that my parents' had not seen a doctor in years, and their house was unsanitary and in great disrepair. I started cleaning and getting repairs done, doing some of them myself and hiring others for the plumbing, roof, gutters, electrical. My brother complained to Mom each time that he "was going to do that." I also took them to doctors. Each time I followed Dr. instructions, my niece- who cuts hair for a living- would insist I should be doing the opposite.
In December, I renovated their attic and moved in to be closer. In January, they decided to quit giving money to my brother. Panic ensued and my SIL -who had not given me the time of day for the 9 months since I arrived- suddenly wanted to be my best buddy.
Two weeks later Mom had a stroke.
In the hospital, my niece told me (politely) that she wanted me to leave Mom's room so she could have privacy. I refused, so she "left", hiding in the hospital until I finally left the room at 4 am the next morning. I saw her in the hallway and asked her to have a talk. She yelled profanities at me, so I turned and went back to the room.
At 4:30 am there was a knock on the door and a security guard motioned for me to come out. He pointed down the hall at my niece and said I'd assaulted her, and my brother (who had just arrived) was backing her story. I pointed out that they have cameras in the hall and suggested they pull video. He just told me to leave.
My 94 yr old Dad was still in the room and I'd been reprimanded a day earlier by a nurse for leaving him at the hospital while I ran errands. So, I went into the room to wake him and tell him we had to go. He got up, came out and saw everyone in the hall, then starting shaking. I thought he was going to have a heart attack. He told the guard "that's my WIFE of 70 years in there. THIS is my daughter. She's not leaving and neither am I!" He pointed at my brother's clan and said "Get rid of those idiots!" So they left.
Much later that day, my brother came back. When I asked about his intentions earlier, he said he didn't know what I was talking about. His daughter also showed up later and acted like nothing had happened.
However, she then started calling hospital staff, claiming instead that I had assaulted MOM. When I overheard our nurse on a lengthy and suspicious call, Dad asked if it was his granddaughter. He took the phone and told her not to call again then had her banned. They moved Mom.
During her ban, she left 2-6 msgs on the house vm each day for Dad, talking in a baby voice saying she loves and misses him and wanted to visit our house with her 6 yr old. During this same time period, she kept trying to sneak into the hospital (with my brother's help), but was caught and removed. On her way out, she'd demand protection from me, still trying to claim I'd assaulted her. Seeing the potential danger of having her and her child come to the house she knows I LIVE IN, I asked Dad not to let her come. I feared the claims she might make knowing we have no cameras to prove otherwise. He agreed but has since forgotten everything.
Mom has been back at home, then back in hospitals for dehydration and other complications.
All the while my brother's entire family have told people that I'm isolating my parents and won't allow them to visit. Only the niece was banned originally but because they kept trying to sneak her in, Mom's hospital room #'s became non-published to ALL of them. Otherwise, they've been able to visit her at home (except my niece) and have not been prevented from seeing at her at rehab the last 3 weeks.
They continue to deny everything they say or do and back each others lies.
When they come to the house, they address Mom as "HEY BEAUTIFUL!!" then sit with her and hold her hand for an hour. They never say " what can we do to help?" When they do ANYthing for us, they talk about it before, during, and after SO much that I don't even want their help.
Defense atty's have said to wait until I"m arrested (!) Elder law attys say they only handle nursing home abuse. Civil lit lawyers don't see enough $$ in it for them. One told me to get a restraining/protective order from CityHall. CH said I have to file that with police. Police say there are no threats so they won't file. I'm weary, wary, and at a loss
The reason this much contention didn't exist before I moved here is because I was naive enough to believe -in my short 1-2 day visits here and there- that Mom and Dad were healthy and the house was being maintained. After all, my brother said so.
I wasn't seeking an injunction until it was recommended. The idea behind it is to prevent my niece from coming to the house with her child and then accusing me of assaulting either of them because she knows we have no cameras here and she also knows her family will back her story. The fact that they backed her before allows me to know it too.
However, as I mentioned, I've contacted ALL the authorities and have been denied because there have been no threats of violence.
I did contact a mediator months ago. She was happy to take our money, of course, but was honest enough, once she heard some recorded evidence of the broad scope and vast amt of lies being told at every angle, to say that mediation will not cure compulsive lying. She said the amt of lying and denials are too great for mediation to change it. I know that's true.
I mean, gee whiz, even with 4 nurses and 2 security guards and my Dad present for the incident where they tried to have me removed from the hospital, my brother now claims (to anyone who wasn't there) that it NEVER happened.
As for Mom and Dad's competence, that's been in question for a while. They both have such a long history of lying that I forgot about (having been gone for a while), that I've tended to think they're confused only to discover they're "Just lying".
Dad was definitely not competent to remember to pay bills when I arrived, so Mom had been doing it. But, you're right. They have made bad choices many MANY times. Mom said to me that she thought if she gave them money,they'd stop asking for it. But, with my brother and his wife, it's clearly a matter of "give an inch and they'll take a mile".
As for APS, I contacted them via their website form almost a year ago. After 2 months of not hearing anything, I called. A woman there told me that they saw my form and denied it (but didn't bother to let ME know that) because the city where we live is at the edge of the state, so the city limits border two other states. My brother lives right over the line, just 20 minutes away. But APS said they won't touch it because he lives in a different state.
I also contacted every elder service for the city and county that I could find. None offered any help.
In my jurisdiction, these used to be available for legitimate situations, w/o charge. Only the cost of service by a sheriff was an out-of-pocket charge.
This sounds to me like a real down and dirty squabble over inheritance rights, to be secured by blackballing and manipulation of family members.
I think the family could benefit from a mediation; ask an elder law attorney about that. Not all elder law attorneys only handle elder abuse, but from your description of the attempted manipulation, and the hostility created which certainly could affect your parents' health, this is or is seguing into an elder abuse situation.
I'm curious though; apparently this is not your birth country. Did the family move here to specifically care for your parents? Was this much contention in existence when you lived in your birth country?
In a way I can understand that the police don't want to get involved b/c it sounds like a real down and dirty family feud. You'll need to document elder abuse to get them involved. I suppose it's not realistic to have a family get together, sit down and decide who's going to be responsible for her care? AND try to work out some peaceful arrangement?
Competent can make bad choices. There is no recourse for that.
If your brother's family was financia,ly abusing your parents, then Adult Protective Services should be informed.
How did you come to decide to care for your parents? Are you being paid for your caregiving?