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Sorry about the last paragraph of my post, I thought I deleted it. :(
I may have explained triangulation or someone else did. It is a common problem with narcissistic behavior. It is something my mother does often. She can only do this if you are part of the triangle. I have stopped being part of the triangle by distancing myself from both my brother and mother, and never saying anything except light superficial stuff. This is the only way I can deal with my family. Sad but true.
OHHH, I remember reading about triangulation on here-was that you Madge that explained that before. It was very interesting. I don't deal with that,thank goodness, but that could definitely be what you are dealing with, HarpnJack. My husband doesn't do much for his parents. He just doesn't. Part of it is because they are still very healthy and don't need us and , right now, my Mom is very sick and needs us ,part of it is that we have a special needs daughter and at my parents house they are much more relaxed about her behaviors and don't freak the heck out if she touches the TV or drops food on the ground like my OCPD MIL does and part of it is that my SIL is super daughter and does everything for them ( and they do a lot for her an her partner and their twin girls) and part of it is we live 2 and 1/2 hours away and SILs live 25 minutes away. BUT ---the thing is, when my husband does go up to visit.-he will try and take a day off to take Mom out to dinner or take Dad to the theater -w/out me and daughter -they talk about it for months and say how wonderful he is. I know my SIL gets mad. And I don't blame her because she does sooo much for them and sees them all the time and gets no accolades . Could that be what is going on with the sister? Sometimes the one who does all the work gets the most difficult side of Mom or Dad. It is not fair. And we tell SIL that. As for getting your sibs -in laws involved more, well, IDK. There seems to be that stage where people just don't want to see that a loved one is becoming less able. I am dealing with that with my Dad. He does everything for my Mom. Cooks, cleans, bathes her, she is in a wheel chair but try and get him to say that Mom has a disability and he needs more outside help and he just won't admit it. Pride. Pride and fear. And sadness. Sorry if this is rambly--I had ,like,18 hours of sleep and tons of coffee. YEAH!!
It sounds as if your family is a bit dysfunctional. I am not judging, mine is exactly the same. I have made no progress with my family and I suspect you will have trouble with yours as well. Your mother (and mine) has set the dynamic of the family, i.e., confusion, noncommunication, verbal abuse, etc. This is all they know.
Your mother is triangulating with your brother and the rest of you. The telling tales and the brother carrying them to you and back and forth. This is very destructive and gives her much power. I would stop this and tell her if she has something to discuss to sit down and discuss it with you or all of you. If not don't talk to her.
I give you this advice because my mother has come between my brother and I by triangulating. She lies to me, then lies to him. But he is dumb enough to believe her. Sad. So don't let your mom do this anymore.
I would get advice from an outside source. You have to educate yourself to dysfunction in the family and how to deal with them. Save yourself the heartache and trouble and start today. Read, get councel, whatever it takes. You can't fight this alone.
I see my family in your post and I know how hard they are. It is pretty much hopeless unless you get outside intervention. In my family they would call me "crazy" if I suggested such. After all they know everything.
Is Mom's sister, the POA, on board with getting Mom evaluated so a treatment plan can be devised and implemented? She is POA for a reason. Is she resisting this concept of evaluation?
I don't think you can control how your siblings treat your mother. Perhaps if she has a medical evaluation and some specific or even general diagnosis is the outcome, then you could all discuss less emotionally what is best for Mom. (But perhaps not -- denial is pretty rampant about these things.)
I am sorry.... I think the answer to what I want them on board 'for', is to evaluate the health & safety of thier mother. To be able to consider that she is in need of help and sometimes she does not want it, but are they just going to give her the ladder & the staple-gun?
'Mom' will not sit down and have an adult conversation. She will not discuss her unhappiness. She 'ran away from home' 3 weeks ago. Seems like a good time to have a doctor evaluate the situation. Her sons are enabling her. One is running back & forth & communicating what she said & then the response.... the children admit she was never happy. But they are still trying to make her happy. Give her whatever she wants. Nevermind what happens to her children. She is verbally abusive to my partner & her only daughter. To their faces, behind their backs...
Her sister. We wanted her to keep the financial & medical control so that there could be no suggestion that we had any special motives. 'Mom' can be nice. She gets so excited when her sister comes to visit that she smiles. She is a different person around her sister.
Who has medical POA? In many families it would be utterly impossible to have all the siblings on board (though that would be a wonderful outcome). One person has to be in charge of decisions. Who is that?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I may have explained triangulation or someone else did. It is a common problem with narcissistic behavior. It is something my mother does often. She can only do this if you are part of the triangle. I have stopped being part of the triangle by distancing myself from both my brother and mother, and never saying anything except light superficial stuff. This is the only way I can deal with my family. Sad but true.
My husband doesn't do much for his parents. He just doesn't. Part of it is because they are still very healthy and don't need us and , right now, my Mom is very sick and needs us ,part of it is that we have a special needs daughter and at my parents house they are much more relaxed about her behaviors and don't freak the heck out if she touches the TV or drops food on the ground like my OCPD MIL does and part of it is that my SIL is super daughter and does everything for them ( and they do a lot for her an her partner and their twin girls) and part of it is we live 2 and 1/2 hours away and SILs live 25 minutes away. BUT ---the thing is, when my husband does go up to visit.-he will try and take a day off to take Mom out to dinner or take Dad to the theater -w/out me and daughter -they talk about it for months and say how wonderful he is. I know my SIL gets mad. And I don't blame her because she does sooo much for them and sees them all the time and gets no accolades . Could that be what is going on with the sister? Sometimes the one who does all the work gets the most difficult side of Mom or Dad. It is not fair. And we tell SIL that.
As for getting your sibs -in laws involved more, well, IDK. There seems to be that stage where people just don't want to see that a loved one is becoming less able. I am dealing with that with my Dad. He does everything for my Mom. Cooks, cleans, bathes her, she is in a wheel chair but try and get him to say that Mom has a disability and he needs more outside help and he just won't admit it. Pride. Pride and fear. And sadness.
Sorry if this is rambly--I had ,like,18 hours of sleep and tons of coffee. YEAH!!
Your mother is triangulating with your brother and the rest of you. The telling tales and the brother carrying them to you and back and forth. This is very destructive and gives her much power. I would stop this and tell her if she has something to discuss to sit down and discuss it with you or all of you. If not don't talk to her.
I give you this advice because my mother has come between my brother and I by triangulating. She lies to me, then lies to him. But he is dumb enough to believe her. Sad. So don't let your mom do this anymore.
I would get advice from an outside source. You have to educate yourself to dysfunction in the family and how to deal with them. Save yourself the heartache and trouble and start today. Read, get councel, whatever it takes. You can't fight this alone.
I see my family in your post and I know how hard they are. It is pretty much hopeless unless you get outside intervention. In my family they would call me "crazy" if I suggested such. After all they know everything.
I don't think you can control how your siblings treat your mother. Perhaps if she has a medical evaluation and some specific or even general diagnosis is the outcome, then you could all discuss less emotionally what is best for Mom. (But perhaps not -- denial is pretty rampant about these things.)
To get the sibs on board, start with Aunt POA.