At the age of 83 Mom sold her house after living alone for many years. During the wait for a subsidized apt, she spent most of her time with my husband and I. From approx Oct to April she spent 80% of the time with me. Once settled in her apt., her personality changed. Depression, followed by a suicide attempt. Fast forward 6 mo. and she needed to go to assisted living. Once in AL it was as though she totally gave up and wants to die. Doesn’t put any effort into trying to remember events and finds no joy or happiness in living. This all escalated in a 2 1/2 yr period. It’s really hard trying to call and keep in touch since conversation is too much of an effort. Myself and my sibs are finding it hard to engage when she makes no effort.
When was mom tested for dementia? Was this a psychologist or psychiatrist doing the testing? Were these short, in-office tests, or a whole battery of tests taking a half day? (My mother could pass the short tests well into her dementia.) But, if she doesn't have dementia, what is the conclusion about her memory loss? What is causing it?
I would say that the antidepressants she is taking aren't working, wouldn't you?
Here are some ways I think you might be able to help your mom.
1) Advocate for her for adjustments to her medications, since what she is taking doesn't seem to be working.
2) Sympathize with her feelings of losing her mind, and reassure her she is safe. Don't disagree with her when she states what she feels.
"Oh, sometimes I think I am losing my mind!"
"That must feel really scary. You are not really going crazy but your memory isn't working correctly now. That is sad! I feel really bad about that. The good news is you are in a place where they understand about memory problems and they will see that you are safe. They can remember things for you."
3) Keep reassuring her that she is safe and she is loved. She is still a great person, even with memory problems.
4) Don't ask "do you remember?" She doesn't want a test! Instead share your memory. "I seem to remember the doctor saying ... Let's see what the nurse has in your file." (This took me a while to make a habit. "I remember a time when you were trying to make gravy ..." NOT "Do you remember the time ..." My mother liked stories of her past, but, boy, she sure could not remember it!)
5) Visit. It can be very hard to engage with a depressed person, but you can sit next to her and hold her hand.
Keep in touch here. We'll want to follow your progress.
You say she "Doesn’t put any effort into trying to remember events." And that may be literally true. Depression can make one that lethargic. But what if she really can't recall these events? They are in her brain, presumably, but she can't bring them up. Depression may be causing her memory loss, or realizing that she is losing her memory may be causing her depression. For an independent woman to realize she now needs assistance might be depressing, too.
It is really hard to engage with someone who is in the middle of a depressive episode. Depression often robs people of their initiative.
Many people on this forum have had experience with depression. I think we need a little more information about your mother's situation to give specific responses.
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