Sounds horrible right? How could I even think this? Well hear me out as I really need advice before I crack :( My husband and I allowed my mom and father to move in almost 4 yrs ago. We also have two young children. We thought that by giving them financial freedom they would go off and explore and enjoy their later yrs. wrong :( Additionally, my mom was diagnosed with cancer and my father is disabled (but not to the extent he can’t help himself). But what has happened is, they spent the last 4 yrs with us and I can count the days they have left the house overnight (30 tops) and it has severely impacted my marriage and kids' mental health (lots of harsh backhanded comments on a regular basis from my father towards me and my kids). We had thought about asking them to move but I was overridden with guilt as my mom has been a wonderful mom and hard worker all her life. Fast forward and my mom is in hospice stages but able to do everything (hard to explain) after a couple months of not being able to care for herself. They gave her a short expectancy but she is thankfully still here months later. That being said we don't know how much time she has. But my father has put a tremendous strain on us and does literally nothing to help. My mom, with 3 forms of stage 4 cancer still waits on him cuz he is just too lazy to do it himself. Both my husband and I work FT and our kids are in activities. I do my best to take care of Everyone but I no longer feel like my house is mine. I do not want my mom to pass alone in some cold hospital or nursing home. However, now, it seems she may not even need hospice. But we have no way to know if she has months or yrs. but I can't live with my father for yrs at this point. My mom can’t drive and my father complains anytime he has to take her anywhere or help. He swears at her and now living with them - I see how much he just uses her :( Even my kids have asked if he can move out because he's made them feel so bad about themselves the last couple yrs. and he attacks us on our political and financial views when he hasn't had a steady job his entire life and has lived off the system for almost 15 yrs already. So the issue is really my father - not my mother. But what do I do? I feel like my family is trapped in our own home. We can't have friends over cuz they are “too loud”. My father has screamed at my kids friends and so now they are hesitant to come over. Its mortifying. So now I’m thinking of asking them to move again mostly because my father cannot stay after my mom passes. We just need our space as a family again:( But asking them to leave when I have no way of knowing how long my mom has is killing me inside. And I’ll have the constant worry knowing my father isnt helping her and is not treating her well. My kids are my everything and they are suffering, my mom is everything and it will break her heart. My father is selfish and a freeloader who is destroying our happiness. However, My mom will stick up for him always if I dare say a thing. Help!! Do I ask them to move or do I push thru not knowing if it will be months or years of this? I've found myself feeling hopeless and feeling like no matter what I do something will suffer: marriage, kids, family relationships - my mental health is screwed already no matter what path I choose. My other 5 siblings have done zero to help but will burn me at the stake at the suggestion of asking my parents to move at this point - even though I’d STILL be the one to help daily even if they move :( what do I do? I'm sick about this but I feel like I'm going to have a stroke due to the stress and just writing this out vs keeping it in my head causes me to feel heartbroken :( thanks for letting me blab on and any advice is appreciated!
Have you considered that your dad may be having cognitive issues? Or depression? Has he ever had a cognitive exam? I'm also hoping you (or someone) is durable PoA for your parents. If not, then your parents need encouragement to put this in place asap. I wish you courage and wisdom and peace in your heart as you work in your family's best interests while helping your parents.
You took them into your home with exceptionally optimistic outlook about what in home care of elders actually is, as well as what end of life actually is. After four years they are quite happily ensconced.
You will need to sit them down and let them know that they will have to be moved by Summer. This gives time for Covid-vaccines, for exploring their options according to their assets and they wishes. You will tell them that you will be taking your own life and family back. No argument, no "reasons", no "discussions". That you have done all that you can and you are done, will love and visit them all their lives, but cannot do more.
The reaction to this will be quite telling. If your father, who already thinks he is head of family, refuses to move you will have to see an attorney about HOW to move them forcibly from your home.
I often tell people that once you take an elder into your home, even temporarily, it is next to impossible to change this around; I wish you the best of luck. The reasons are really not important; this isn't working. It will be a good deal of grief and unhappiness to get it changed, but change it must.
I remember people saying, “Your whole world changes after you have a child.”
Did I grasp the total concept of that statement? Absolutely not!
Oh, let me tell you that I was an involved aunt to my nieces, nephews.
I was very involved in my godchildren’s lives too.
But we all know that isn’t anything close to when we have our own children at home! Only then, do we truly understand what it’s like to raise children.
Why? Because it’s 24/7, 365 days a year!!!
Same with parents living full time with us. I had no clue how hard it would be!
Let me tell you how naive I was. I was exhausted running back and forth running here and there when my parents were in their home.
I actually thought that when mom moved in that it would be somewhat easier. Boy, was I wrong!
Why? Because we never get a break like we did before. We had some down time to ourselves with privacy in our homes. That completely stops when a parent moves in!
No privacy! Too much togetherness causes friction even in the best of relationships.
In relationships with issues it becomes a living nightmare!
I feel your pain. I am so sorry that you are enduring this frustration and torment.
Sit down, write a pro and con list. You know which one will come out on top.
Don’t make my mistake of burning out before I made drastic changes in my life. It isn’t
worth it!
Take care, everyone that posted to you on this thread is behind you! We are all pulling for you and wishing you and your family the very best in life.
Some of us bit off more than we could chew. All due to various reasons. It’s time to make changes though.
Take the first step. Things will fall into place. Don’t be discouraged by bumps in the road. Keep pressing on. You will get there.
Let us know how you are doing along the way. We care.
It is time for the crabby old man to move out. Your mom enables him and she knows it.
Don't equate asking them to move to putting them on an ice floe and giving it a shove. You will still be helping your mom - a ton probably - although i recommend seriously rethinking how much you want to sacrifice for them. There are services they can get through the local office on aging or for fee.
Please come back and let us know how it works out. But please don't be afraid of "making waves" - you need to in order to protect your family if you are too afraid to protect your self. Good luck - it is likely to be pretty tough.
You don't tip toe around your folks and 'ask' if they want to move. You get the kids out of the house one night and have sit down 'come to Jesus' meeting where you air grievances and let them know while you love them, they are no longer going to be able to live with you. Period.
You could go so far as to have already vetted a few ALF's or small apartments where they can live as a couple. But the ultimate decision on where to go will be up to them.
You will need to be very firm and both you and DH must be on the same page.
Let them know you are NOT abandoning them, but rather enabling them to live independently and with dignity.
Your follks come in a distant 3rd after your spouse and your kids. Doesn't mean you don't care about them, but I doubt it's a surprise to them to find you are unhappy with the current living situations and must have a change.
I wish you all the luck!!!
I would talk to Mom first. I would tell her she is not the problem, that Dad is. His laziness and attitude are effecting not just you but your children. They can't have their friends over because of Dad. Thats not fair to them, Ask her if it is possible for them to move out on their own. Find a nice apartment or better an AL nearby. That way you can still help when "u can". But having Dad there is causing too much stress in your family.
Then start placing those boundries. Tell Dad that his attitude towards his grands are effecting them. That they can't have friends over because of it. Remind him that the house is yours. That inviting them to live there was in hopes to give them the freedom to travel. Not to sit around the house expecting his sick wife to wait on him and scream at his grands. Maybe he'll say "then we will move out". Then say you think that is best. But make your Mom know that you will be there for her. Your Dad I would not worry about. And when it comes to a point he needs help, I would not be the one doing for him. I would find others to do that.
You need to stand up to Dad. He needs to know that his actions are no longer going to be tolerated. 4 years in enough. Your husband is the "head of the household" (😊) and you should tell him its OK to put Dad in his place. My husband is a quiet man and easy going. My Dad could be hard to take but I have seen my husband kindly put him in his place. You need to get your life and home back. If Dad doesn't like the "new" you then he can always leave.
I would have my chat with dad -- you're going to start being nicer to everyone living here and who visits here. We have a lot of people in this house and we have to get along. That means that just because you think something does not mean you have to say it. We need YOU to help make this a better environment for all of us. If you have a problem, bring it to my attention.
You need to start helping yourself a little to help mom.
You have misjudged your parents needs and it is affecting your family and your mental health. Own up to it and help them move.
Hospice will continue to care for her in an Assisted Living Facility.
Dad will get help he needs and will get others do his bidding with a new audience.
Your priority is to your husband and kids. Not to your siblings or parents.
Go on a virtual tour of a few places when you narrow it down take mom and dad to visit.
Now is not the best of times to consider "Community Living" but please do not let that change your mind. You need to ask them to move for your family.
By the way none of know how long we have. The fact that your mom has a diagnosis that will shorten her life makes you think more about it but anything can happen to any of us at any time.
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