How do I suddenly become a caregiver to my Dad after Mom has passed away?
My mom passed away suddenly about a month ago. She had been dad's primary caregiver following several mini-strokes and he has mild impairment/dementia. Since her death, we three daughters have been taking turns staying with dad 2+ days at a time. This is geographically challenging for me and I am beginning to struggle working from his house. He smokes, the dog has ruined the rugs and they reek, just being here is stressing me out. I love my dad, I want to be helpful, but being in this house is suffocating. he doesn't talk-he never has been one to carry on a conversation with us daughters. I don't know how to be a caregiver to him and I'm experiencing serious anxiety when I am here with him and also when I go to my own home. As we all begin to accept the initial shock of losing our beloved mom, the reality of a long term caring situation for dad is sinking and I'm in a panic. If I "tap out" I'll be letting my sisters down. Any advice on getting past being youngest daughter and becoming caregiver?
If I were you, I would gather your sisters and share your frustrations and see if any other situation can be negotiated. His health problems and care needs will only increase in time.
Talk to your sisters, tell them what is happening with you. The three of you need to work as a team. Assign duties that everyone is comfortable in doing. Example, maybe your sisters prefer not to spend time grocery shopping for Dad, but you don't mind. Another example, maybe your sister rather not take Dad to his doctor appointments or to the barber, etc., but you don't mind. See where I am going with this.
However, your father's smoking is a danger to the health of each of you. You don't have to expose yourself to this. In this situation, I wouldn't be hesitant to demand that he stop smoking.
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2) Get dad into assisted living or a nursing home asap ... there is no way you (even 3 of you) can care give 24/7 and I did it alone for four years. He'll be clean, fed and watched over by nurses 24/7. Do it for him!
3) Smoking: GA there's no way you can "demand" someone stop smoking any more than you can "demand" anything from anyone ... try that and you'll be kicked to the curb. Perhaps a smoke, a glass of wine or whatever is all these old frail folks have left to enjoy.. After a lifetime most can't give it up but a good NH will give him the patch and wean him off, or at least keep him comfy.
Just thoughts from someone who's been in the trenches forever.
There are though a lot of issues which can be demanded of others, but it's not my intent to offend or debate with you. I suspect you've had your share of demands if I'm reading correctly between the lines.
My father doesn't smoke, but if he did, there would be absolutely no way I would even go in his house.
I do agree that a nursing home could use a patch to wean the OP's father off the addiction of smoking.
If your father is a social extrovert, he may enjoy a nursing home. If he has alzhiemer's ( I don't know how to spell it) the nursing home is the only option, the sooner the better. Sometimes the work involved with caregiving a nursing home patient is harder than home care. If you back out, you will regret it all your life. Good luck, we understand and are here for you.
If you or your sisters are not RNs, no way can you give your father the care he needs, with the current arrangement.
We had to let Mother continue to live alone, until she fell. Then, from the hospital, she was never able to return home. I feel your pain.
To be suddenly thrown into a caregiver role in a family dynamic in which, if I understand you correctly, there is some estrangement between your father and daughters combined with your father's natural tendency to be introverted, and your status as younger daughter generates a certain attitude and approach to you, the role of caregiver as a family member rather than a professional is a very difficult one to fill. Geographical distance imposes additional logistical challenges.
The physical environmental conditions are also a serious consideration. Second hand smoke, mould (which I find often accompanies second hand smoke as well as bacteria and allergens from the carpet pose a health risk to you, especially when your immune system is compromised by the grief you are experiencing. If you tend to be environmentally sensitive, the risks increase. In any first aid/emergency response the first thing educators stress is safety first. You can't help anyone else if your own well-being is threatened.
I agree with the suggestions put forth in previous posts about getting a caregiver or sharing responsibilities that don't involve you having to be physically present in the house. Long term care may be another viable option. However, I can appreciate the reticence in taking that route because of all the emotions that it stirs up.
However loyal and altruistic, if the burden placed on you is going to be overwhelming, then it is going to defeat the purpose of providing care for your father and will take its toll on you. A very wise person told me that if you feel resentful and overwhelmed by helping someone, then that's not your role in the first place. There are other people who can fill that role. You don't have to feel guilty if you decide you cannot do this; it just shows a high level of self awareness and emotional intelligence.
Take care!
Make sure you guys are checking out all resources (local county/area agency on aging, alzheimer's, etc). Oh, the alzheimer's association also have support groups. I highly suggest you and your sisters start attending them. Not only will you find out you're not alone, but you can learn from those further down the path, from their experiences, etc. And remember to BREATHE! Long slow abdominal breathes. Search YouTube for Teepa Snow breathing and watch it.
Look at getting some sort of paid caregiver, even 1 or 2 days a week. Remember you are all grieving too, that would lighten the load.
All the best, Arlene Hutcheon, New Zealand
I have 2 brothers and a sister, but they all lived too far to help with Dad's care. I had to do it by myself. It was quite overwhelming at times, but I kept telling myself, "Dad took care of me when I was a child, so it's my turn to take care of Dad in his childlike state." That's really what kept me going for 9 years.
Since your Dad isn't a conversationalist, try getting him a portable CD player or MP3 player with music that he enjoys and let him listen to it through headphones. You will be surprised at how he will come alive with his kind of music. But you have to make sure the music you give him to listen to is music from his early adult years. Teenage and young adult music for his time. It works wonders!!
Thank your lucky stars that you have help from your sisters!! You can do this!
Assistive technology can be really helpful to your Dad, and help you and your sisters be better care-givers.
Medication reminder alarms really helped my friend Graham keep on top of his health. The one we used actually spoke, in loud English, three times per day and required him to press a big button to acknowledge it.
Social isolation is the biggest issue with someone living alone and can lead to depression and illnesses. If you can't visit 3 times a week, something like a Videophone to help him make and receive face-to-face calls can keep him connected and give him a reason to smile. The Videophone is good because it's simple so your Dad doesn't need any computer skills.
Best wishes and your Dad is lucky to have you and your sisters take care of him.
Gabby