As kids we were raised to be honest. I am finding it very difficult to lie (pretend) that things are what they are not. My mom's dementia throws new challenges at me everyday and sometimes I'm caught off guard. If she asks a question or makes a statement that is untrue I find it difficult not to correct her. The more she tells lies or misinterprets the truth I learn how to handle it, but when she comes up with something entirely new it throws me as I need to figure out in my own brain how to deal with the new statement without upsetting her. I have never had to worry about thinking on my feet as it's always been easy to tell the truth.
Does anyone have any tricks up their sleeve (almost like an automatic response template) that I can adapt for these situations? It is really difficult when dealing with important matters like her financial commitments and I find it extremely difficult to persuade her to pay bills when they are due as she is convinced that she has already paid them and it turns into a major fight.
Another way to put it is *accepting her reality differs to yours*.
So no discussion on 'untruths'. That way just causes brain pain for you (as you are finding).
Some examples from the tales I hear;
Mom: the cleaning lady stole my purse.
You: we will get it back
Don't discuss it never happened. Vision + memory probelms mean if an object is not in SIGHT - it can get confablulated into being stolen.
Mom: I'm going to stay with Aunt Betty in 2 weeks!
You: how lovely for you
Again, no discussion that this isn't planned or Aunt Betty actually died 2 years back. Just wishful thinking. Find some old photos of Betty if possible to reminisce instead.
Mom: I certainly did NOT agree to (change clothes/visit the Doctor/have a shower/whatever).
You: oh, ok
Needs to feel in control. Let her settle & try again as a brand new request.
Takes 2 to argue. So nod & smile instead. "Oh really? Oh I see. Umm hmm".
My sister's catch-all is "that's interesting".
One word that’s worked for me when mom gets worked up about a future place to stay/car/event ( usually in her mind ) is I say, “ don’t worry, it’s all pre-arranged.” I usually repeat it a couple of times but for us it has worked well so far. Plus this is usually true anyway!
I’ll also nod and say something along the lines of, “ I can see that might be a problem, but we don’t have to deal with it right today. “ She likes that one too.
If it’s a conversation that’s not dreadful I just dive in. The other week she said she was going to have to change the roller skating reservations across the street for the family because it was bad timing for some people - including my father ( deceased! ) who would have to travel a ‘long way’. In this case mom was so matter-of-fact and not upset so I said that was a lovely idea, let’s reschedule. To this day this is one of my favorite exchanges. A roller skating party sounds great!
This will get easier with practice. Frankly I still stumble a lot but unfortunately the practice keeps ramping up. I’m learning to enjoy the better conversations about made-up hotels, airplane trips, and roller skating. Take care and blessings to you!
Mom should no longer be doing her own financial commitments. Someone else should be in charge of all her financial affairs.
There is no sense in starting or getting into an argument with a person with dementia you will NEVER "win"
As to something that she tosses out that takes you off guard simply say...
"Gee I don't know I am going to have to check that out"
This gives her a response to the question or statement and gives you time to figure out a better response. A response that you may or may not actually need. I think you will find many things really do not need an accurate response, answer. Just carry on conversation.
Try to think of it as writing a story. Creative writing in real time.
And when something really throws you and can not come up with a response just change the subject. Simply say..."OH! I forgot...." then start your new thought line. It is not lying it is changing the subject.
So educated yourself on being a caregiver to someone with dementia. Start by reading books or Googling “dementia”. “The
36 Hour Day” is great primer for caregivers.
As far as lying goes, you're applying rules of normalcy to a situation that's anything BUT normal. Normal flew out the window when mom started down the road to dementia, and that's the truth. My mother is 94 and has advanced dementia, lives in a Memory Care ALF. So last night she calls me and says she has to 'figure out how to get downtown to a different hotel'. This calls for ME to be a bit of a sleuth. Naturally, I have to 'lie' and make up stories of my own to handle the situation she's created, right? So I tell her to turn on the TV and watch some shows, that I'll call her a cab to pick her up in the morning and take her downtown. She immediately calms down b/c I've 'handled the situation.' I'm not 'lying', per se, but doing what's required to appease a demented mind and calm the situation down. Call it what you'd like; but I call it love and caring. Her mind is gone now; she feels like her siblings and parents are still alive, too, so I tell her whatever I MUST tell her to keep her relaxed and not upset.
Here is a link to an article on the subject of what's known as "Therapeutic Fibbing" to patients with dementia & why it's a good idea:
https://dailycaring.com/why-experts-recommend-lying-to-someone-with-dementia/
For me, the toughest thing is being caught off guard with all the nonsensical things my mother says to me; all the stories she tells & situations she invents. I have to be fast on my feet to come up with something to tell HER in response, and that's a challenge! Dementia creates a whole new set of crazy situations for us to deal with ALL the time, and it's difficult, that's for sure.
I echo what sjplegacy has suggested in getting a copy of The 36 Hour Day which is a wonderful reference guide to dementia. It will help you sort thru the muck and the mire you're faced with right now. Together with getting some sound advice from an Elder Care attorney, that will set you on a path to some kind of plan of action moving forward. Don't discount placement in a Memory Care ALF down the road if/when her care becomes too much for you to handle. I read your profile and see that you're facing stage 4 cancer yourself, and you have a LOT on your plate to deal with. Please make sure to take care of yourself in this process; your life is important here too!!!
Wishing you the very best of luck on both fronts; with your health and with your mother's dementia. If you can, try to just keep her calm, don't argue with her off-the wall comments, and just keep the peace w/o letting things escalate into big fights. I know how hard that is; to KNOW she's making wild statements that you WANT to correct, but it's always a bad idea to do that where dementia is involved. It's a slippery slope we walk with these elders, and I feel for you. Sending you a big hug and a prayer that God helps you through all of the challenges you face.
Concurring with Grandma1954, someone else should be handling your mother's finances and bill paying. Period.
If she thinks it, there isn't anything you can say to change what she thinks. If she thinks it, it's true to her so let her think it.
The only thing that one needs to be corrected on is their medication but I'm sure there's no problem there because I figure she's not in charge of her own medication.
Ask yourself is it better to be Right or have Peace?
My 96 yr old Dad will say things and I just let him tell the story his way. He is a retired fireman and once he was telling me about 100 fireman were dancing around downtown naked and I just said how did you hear about it and he said I read it in the paper and it was all over the TV. I said no I haven't heard about it and wow Dad, that's crazy isn't it and he saud yes it is and there you go, an intertaining story,
he also told me to not forget to tell my husband and I saud I would.
No Harm Done.
Remember they are in their own little world and unless it's harming themself or someone else, don't worry about it. Let them have their fantasy world.
LIke when you're a kid and believing in Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy....None of those things hurt me believing and talking about it.
Think of Seniors as big babies or kids.
Most are born in this world wrinkled and bullhead and pooping your pants and if you live long enough, that's how you leave this world
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