I am 10 years younger than my husband. He, obviously, has many health issues. Basically, I do everything around here now and I'm feeling like a housekeeper. I cook, taking care of pets and gardening plus all the caregiving.
How do you get past the negative off all this, especially when it looks like it's going to get nothing but worse?
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how painful it must be to lose a child. I have two daughters and it would break my heart to lose them.
I saw how devastating it was for my mother to bury her first born son.
Caregiving on top of grieving is a lot to handle. I hope that you have someone helping out on a regular basis. If not, please consider looking into hiring additional support.
You recognize that caregiving is taking a toll on you. Honor your feelings without any guilt. You didn’t cause your husband’s health issues and you cannot fix them.
If this situation is becoming too much for you consider touring some assisted living facilities for him so you can get some rest and return to being his wife without the burden of caregiving.
Wishing you peace.
It is okay to have some feelings that are negative. No one can be positive 100% of the time. Also, if it comes to the point where caregiving is wearing on you mentally, physically, and emotionally, please look into getting some different care for your husband. Stress can do a lot to your body and mind, so realize it is alright to pause and focus on yourself at times. What kind of pets do you have? Can they be of some comfort?
"I cook, taking care of pets and gardening plus all the caregiving".
Which of those things do you WANT to be doing? Can do well?
Which drain you?
Some people hate the drudge of preparing meals. Others love this daily chore. Love to shop for seasonal ingrediants, find new recipies, experiment with new flavours.
Some love to prune, weed, grow things. Love to care for, walk & groom pets. Love & need connection to plants & pets.
My workmate concreted his back yard & fake turfed the front. His son is considering giving away his dog as it was more work than he expected.
Many people downsize. Being squashed in a box vs freed of chores.. depends on your point of view.
The transistion from spouse to caregiver (I have been told) is huge. It is one of GRIEF - at the loss of the marriage & partnership as it was.
Some find forfillment & purpose in their new role of caregiver. Become the 'care manager' & maybe take pride in running the care, the houshold & finances solo.
Others I have met have simply said caregiving was not for them. One woman my DH knows spends time managing the daily aides for her husband (with a progressive disease). She stays his wife, not his aide. A man I met, said his wife got Alzheimer’s so he admitted her into a Nursing Home pretty quickly. He loved her. He was not a nurse, could not be a Nursing Home. He saw it as that simple.
Tabby, what would you 'outsource' tomorrow if you could?
My students used to complain about having to do homework or study for exams. They would say, “I’ve GOT to do homework.” I explained the difference between GET to and GOT to is that GOT to is a punishment and GET to is an opportunity. It’s all in your mindset.
I’m not saying it’s easy being a caregiver but it is EASIER when we consider the difference we get to make in our loved one’s life. Remember, his illness is not his fault. Find time to do what you love but make sure loving taking care of your husband is part of that.
Best
In terms of feeling negative about your role now, hire help. A housekeeper and gardener, and aides to come into the home to give you respite from caregiving. Things will only get worse from here regarding caregiving and chores, so maybe it's time to downsize your home and use the profits to hire help and cut down on maintenance in general. Use the crockpot and freeze leftovers. Make meals simple with little cleanup. Use Walmart+ home delivery so you can stop grocery shopping. That alone makes a big difference.
Best of luck to you.
I have pushed my Zoloft prescription to its MAX!!
Cheers to the weekend.
You can get home care through a home health care agency. Attendant care will include some of the cleaning that you may be overwhelmed with, as well as meeting your husband's care needs.
If you don't feel like this is something you can afford, then call your local Medicaid office and see what services he is eligible for.
If having someone come in to help out doesn't offer enough relief for you, then it is time to find an assisted living or skilled nursing facility for your husband to stay. You can spend time with him there and be a loving wife, without the burden of doing everything yourself.
The more I read your post, I suspect you are feeling overwhelmed with the upkeep of a house with no help, probably frustrated that your husband is in the condition he's in. Have you considered downsizing? Live in a small condo or even assisted living apartment, if that suits your needs, with all maintenance provided.
Get out sometimes, whether to see friends, or just to take a walk or do something you enjoy. You will find you are happier to see him after taking a break from him.
And please find a therapist you can talk to. Don't let all your frustration simmer inside you until it explodes. When you let it fester, you are just making yourself more unhappy.
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