My dad has vascular dementia. No medicine can help. My mother is the caregiver, and they moved close to me 1.5 years ago. I help as much as I can a couple days a week for a few hours while working full time and trying to keep my marriage going. My half brother lives half way across the globe and is of no help. My husband doesn't ask about my parents or how I'm doing. I just try to put on a happy face and keep up with the laundry dishes. My spare time where I use to workout and take care of myself is taken up by family. I'm so exhausted everyday I can't wake up at 4 am to workout. Now with the holidays, I'm trying to handle family birthdays and Christmas on top of everything else. I'm bitter, angry and am pissed off at everyone with an easier life at the moment. I'm spent. I have little left and I can't find a way to take care of myself and make husband/family understand. We have an agency helping but can't afford more care. The parents and I do not qualify for financial help. I want to crawl in a hole. I've been in tears all night and no one understands. Any words of wisdom? I can't quit my job or go on leave. My mom needs help and I'm it. This could go on for months or years. Help or words of encouragement needed.
If you don't have any relatives or friends that fit that bill, then you need to turn to a professional counselor, who can help you set priorities and give you tools to manage your stress. A good counselor can also help you put things in perspective and give you new ways to look at your situation, so you can determine patterns and find ways to avoid trigger points or recognize when you need to stop or do something different to avoid previous pitfalls.
As everyone has said you are in for a long haul this is no short trip. Your husband ....hmph best that we don't live near each other. Does he have parents still alive? If so then it could be his turn next and don't you dare offer to help unless and until he recognise your worth not just as his wife but as a daughter and as a mother. This is called cherishing - remember those words of the wedding vows?
Well now its time for him to step up. Why can't he do the laundry for once or wash the dishes? Does he not make them dirty too? The other alternative is for you to have agencies come in and do your housework while you help Mum. You have to tell him. This is not about a life's story of they did so much for me etc etc. This is straight honesty :
I cannot go on
I have drawn up list of what we, AS A FAMILY, can do to help OUR FAMILY
I need you to do to enable me to do this.
Now get your finger out your arse hubby dear and in the words of Nike JUST DO IT
If he can't see you mean business hun then you have to think very carefully about what he actually does see! A nice peaceful life with a wifey who does everything but wipe his nose?
I don't mean any nastiness at all - you are in a really tough spot and I would be just as angry sweetheart. I'm just a lot blunter than perhaps I should be. I am also divorced but I still like men - honest I do - even if some of them can be total jerks at times. Hell! women can be too!
I hope with all my heart you can work this through with your husband. He needs to be helping you figure out what you can do to best protect yourself and your marriage, not shutting you down the minute you open your mouth.
There are a million books and websites out there, but I have yet to find any that I would really recommend. The advice tends to be pie-in-the sky unrealistic for the most part. Like "Make sure you take time out for you!" and "Call a family conference and assign tasks to each member to lighten the load on the primary caregiver." Sorry I can't be more helpful.
I've tried talking to my husband but his response is "I don't want to hear you life story." Sad thing is I'm only talking a couple of minutes before this response comes. Yes, I'm pissed off for sure. My husband is the only one I can really talk to about work, family and how I'm doing on a more deeper level. He hasn't been willing and has only negative comments. It went to crap 2-3 weeks ago I believe. I'll approach it again tonight.
I'll revisit some of our local agencies too.
Are there any books or websites that provide great info on how to deal with the panic and angry outbursts as well as help them deal with memory issues like needing to go home and work?
We are doing all we can with medication and everyday there are a number of episodes.
You say that your parents don't qualify for financial help. What resources have you consulted? VA? Their county's Department of Human Services? Your local United Way organization? Leave no stone unturned! How would they cope if they didn't have a daughter living so close? Do they get meals on wheels? You do not need to qualify for anything. It is your parents' assets and income that matter in this situation, not yours.
Your husband doesn't ask about your well-being. You just try to put on a happy face and keep up with the laundry and dishes. Oh boy. This sounds dangerous. Can you reestablish some communication here? Putting on a happy face for the person who is supposed to be your soulmate and your support and your sounding board is probably doing more to make you feel pissed off than the labor of helping your parents. Please, please, reconnect on an honest level with your husband!
Working out is awesome, and I hope you can resume it as you figure out alternate plans for your parents. BUT sleep is also absolutely vital. Sleep deprivation can contribute to your unhappiness. Don't sacrifice sleep for working out or for holiday decorating or for taking care of your parents. Without enough sleep you'll crash and burn for sure!
In times of crisis (and having a father with dementia is definitely a crisis), something has to give. Maybe birthday celebrations have to be a bit less elaborate, or passed off to someone else to be in charge. Don't give up the holiday decorations and preparation if they mean a lot to you, but try to simplify it all and only pick the most meaningful traditions for this year.
My husband developed dementia 13 years ago. My life changed permanently then. He died 3 years ago. I have not gotten back to pre-dementia times. I am older now. I am a widow. Life goes on, but differently.
Consider this a milestone in your life. It is not something that you'll deal with for a few weeks and then go back to your old life. It is critical that you take care of yourself and connect deeply with your husband now. You can't put it off until things "get back to normal." This is the new normal.
Hugs!
I've been taking care of my mom for 13 years (and my mom and dad for 9 of those 13 years). I've learned over time that I have to let some things (like anger at my brother) go for my own peace of mind and happiness. My house often looks like a wreck, because I walk in from mom's place with her dirty laundry, her recycling, her pile of paperwork and it may sit there for a week. And I'm OK with that. It is what it is. Hugs...we understand!!!