I am the only child that is able to help. She also now moved in with me and I am extremely stressed over this. I am feeling like a bad daughter and why because I try to help her and she thinks I am telling her what to do. Yes, I yell due to frustration.... My life has extremely changed! I do pretty much everything. How do I cope with this? I don't have my life anymore... I do a lot of crying!! I don't know if this was the correct section to ask for advice.. If not, please let me know.... Thanks much!
It's difficult to offer possible solutions without knowing the exact financial situation. Because it has a huge effect on your affordable options for Assisted Living, Nursing Home, Medicaid (at home) and Medicaid financial assistance at AL or NH.
I totally sympathize with you about your frustration and you have been given some great emotional advice.
But, I feel like something is missing from your posts.
Are you willing to answer a few questions?
Who owns your home? Who is on the deed?
Every state is different but, if it's your deed, then it's your deed. No exemption for your mother related to a one-residence homestead ownership.
When you did the addition and the stair lift, did she pay directly to the contractors for everything and the supplier of the chair lift, or did you pay for all that and then she paid you back? Did anything go on her credit cards that cannot be paid off in full, ever? Does she still use her own credit cards?
If it's your home, totally, legally, is your mother paying you rent, or any part of the additional utility expenses? Does she have her own landline phone line, or is she using yours? What about a cell phone? Who is paying, if she has one? What about cable TV in her separate living space? Are you paying for that? Who pays for her food? Or, is she living there for free, basically?
Does she get social security or any kind of pension? What is she using that money for, if she gets it? Does she still have a car, owned, financed or leased?
As I said, you are getting a lots great emotional advice.
But, it may be that the financial situation here is very messy and until you sit down and focus on all of those details it may be impossible to make the right choice for the future living arrangements for your mother.
And, please do not make any major decisions without hiring an elder care attorney, and make she/he has a LLM in tax.
There are so many differences between independent living, assisted living and nursing home living.
Please pay attention to all of those financial issues before you make any decisions.
How could you make her upstairs flat more self-contained? If there is water in the bathroom, you should be able to put in a mini-kitchenette like in a motel room. Your mother can have frozen meals, heat them herself in a microwave, and do her own clean-up. Collecting her washing once a day should be the only time you need to climb those stairs. If you don’t run when she calls, she will have to work out how to be more independent. You won’t yell so much if you don’t see her all the time. If she gets lonely, she may be more interested in going out to play cards.
Work out all the jobs you can quit, and quit them. Of course there will be a revolt, but stick to your guns. Go back to what you both expected, which wasn’t slavery.
Even though mother does not live with me, the stress of caregiving (even from a different location) is HUGE. I've done (and will continue to do) a lot of crying myself. Sending you a hug.
Pain in is so debilitating. How is your mom doing in the AL facility? That’s hard being far away. Sometimes it can’t be helped.
I have two daughters and I listen to their view of things. They are wonderful, loving, smart, caring daughters but of course we don’t agree on everything but we do respect each other’s opinions on things.
Your mom is younger than mine. My mom is 93. My mom has Parkinson’s disease. She could never do a two story home. I agree that your mom made it harder on herself building a two story addition.
The whole situation sounds frustrating. I had family members who did the same thing at one point, add onto their son’s home. He had a one story home and they added living quarters by building a second story to his home.
It was a disaster. The son got divorced from his wife, moved out. The DIL wanted his parents out so she could rent the upstairs that her in-laws paid for. Trust me it was a nightmare!
I get that you feel alone being an only child but trust me I have siblings that are totally useless, so I may as well be an only child. It’s almost worse because if I didn’t have siblings, so be it, but I have siblings that I can’t rely on. It has all fallen in my lap.
Mom lost her home in Hurricane Katrina and was left homeless so I didn’t even have time to plan for anything and as you can imagine our city, New Orleans was in total mayhem. It was a very emotional time for all of us.
Can you get respite help from your local Council on Aging? I just did this. Long wait, has to be approved after an assessment that they do and so forth but it may be worth a shot. You would get a break!
Best of luck to you and take care. I love my mom dearly but it is a lot to deal with.
Best of luck.......it's a tough road you are on and you have my empathy.
https://www.carepathways.com/pa/home-health-care-williamsport/
Home Health Care in Williamsport, PA 17701
Area Agency on Aging: STEP Office of Aging
Headquarters: Williamsport, PA 17701
Primary Phone: 570-323-3096
Email: flshrimp@stepcorp.org
Home Health Care in Williamsport, PA can be categorized as either non-medical (home care) or Medicare certified (home health). Non-medical home care includes personal care and help with everyday activities, while Medicare certified home health involves skilled nursing and rehabilitation. Elderly residents of Williamsport, PA may require home health after an injury or illness, whereas non-medical home care is provided long-term to seniors with declining physical and mental abilities. This directory includes agencies near Williamsport, PA and the surrounding areas. It's not uncommon for agencies to cover multiple counties. Pay close attention to minimum hours and affiliations / recognitions. Call to compare rates and keep in mind that the average cost of a home health aide in Williamsport, PA is $22 per hour (according to John Hancock's 2016 Cost of Care Survey). Finally, contact your local Area Agency on Aging to ask about family caregiver respite and senior transportation services.
Hope that this information is helpful.
If not, are there any options for respite for you? A home health aid or friend from church to come in a couple afternoons each week?
As frustrated and emotionally spent as you already are, I'm afraid there's just no way this is going to work long-term :(