I am responsible for my mom's finances and legal matters, as well as now managing her medical care. I just moved her to an assisted living facility nearer to me than her home of 40 years, which is 600 miles away from me.
I love mom (well, I love who she used to be...she's gotten demented and often mean!) and want to take good care of her, but so far it has been a huge drain on time, and a little drain on resources. I do pay for most of her needs with her money, but there are still things (like travel to and from facility, doing laundry, taking her to doc visits) that drain me a little.
Her lawyer told me that I should pay myself a salary for doing this work, and make sure to reimburse my costs.
I feel guilty taking money for doing what I always thought was the natural duty of children toward their parents, but my life is suffering to keep hers going!
For example, yesterday the ALF called me to tell me she had developed blisters on her legs underneath compression bandages that are supposed to be changed daily. That got overlooked in the chaos of settling her into the facility, even though they knew before she got there it was supposed to be done, and was written in the doc notes. So, when I got there to pick her up for the trip to urgent care, I had to re-dress her and take her to the bathroom...took me 40 minutes just to get her ready, and spent 5 hours taking her, sitting and waiting, going through the exam, dropping her back off, and straightening stuff in her apartment. Total investment in her yesterday? Seven hours! I had stuff I was supposed to do at home, and could do none of it. I was supposed to go shopping for clothing for mom (she gave all her clothes to the goodwill before I "rescued" her from her home) and couldn't do it.
I am perpetually behind because of her needs.
How do I determine what to pay myself for, and what to do simply as a loving daughter?
PS Moms money ran out 2 years ago, she is still with me and I do not get paid anymore, in fact, I am paying it all back in diapers and care for her so I can get help. Dont think of it as your "moms money" think of it as your siblings inheritance and if they are not helping , well then they dont deserve it do they.
Have you considered paying the extra fee at ALF to have them do her laundry and take her to the various appointments, if this is available? I'm certain there are things that you want to do for her as well, but you do deserve some time to yourself.
I am quite aware of what it feels like, as my father has been hospitalized 4 times in the past year and then had to recoup in an Assisted Medical Facility. The time and wear and tear are more on you than your vehicle!
Currently my father has not be hospitalized for the last 74 days! A real record! But it could be any day before we start all over again and his dementia gets worse every day.
My husband I care for him 24/7, except for his daily trips to the Senior Center from 0930 to 2:30 and then we have our grand daughter to care for, as our daughter has cancer. I do feel your pain.
If you don't hire or pay someone to assist, at least pay yourself. Find out what it would cost and then you'll know how much to pay yourself.
Best of luck!
Hugs,
Suzanne
You will never be paid enough for all you will do for your Mom.
If you have to do laundry anyway can you do hers at the same time?
I would keep a mileage book for her appts and things you take her to. I would also keep a log of all you do for her so when and if your siblings question things you can show them exactly where your time went to help your Mom and it is only right since you are taking on the most responsibility..... if you are buying things with your money keep the receipts and save them for your records..... we use our credit card alot to pay for my MIL meds and then she pays us back but I write in her checkbook why I am taking the money out of her account.
How much do you feel you could use to make it more worth compensation for you to do all you need and have to do for your Mom? I don't mean this ugly I understand I do alot for my MIL.... she gives me $400 a month which is for my gas, wear and tear on my car, I take her to the Dr., Adult daycare, pick up her prescriptions, take her to go get lunch, drop her off at Biblestudy, buy her clothes for her that she needs, do her laundry and so much more......BASICALLY IT COMES TO 1.25 A HOUR........
Some things aren't about the money. She needs your love and understanding.
She can not take care of herself just like my MIL.... she depends on me and us.
Do you have a fulltime job outside of taking care of your Mom?
Is there anyone who can help you? Does your Mom have insurance that you can get some help with her needs?
Are you able to go and see and help her maybe 2-3 times a week so that you can do what you have to do for yourself?
When my MIL doesn't go to adult daycare it upsets me because that is my time to do what I want, just wander, swim, see my friends, rest whatever.
Tonight I am missing out on seeing my Granddaughters in their costumes because MIL doesn't want to go out because it is cold....so I am here with her and hubby had a meeting to go to. My daughter lives 45 minutes away so sometimes you have to give up things you want to do. I have many times and some are harder than others.
I hope you will find the peace and answers that you need. I do understand.......
it is alot of responsiblity and takes time to care for a older person. My MIL lives with us........ and has for about 11 years........ she is 78.
Find a support group.......keep coming to this site to vent and ask questions and pray alot.............
take care.
Frustrated 2012
.
msdaizy, I know what you mean. My mom also has dementia and though the memories she carries belong to my mom, she really is not my mom. Her character is so different now! As much as I've wanted to be her daughter and not her caregiver, it just isn't working that way. I hurt for you in this long, drawn-out loss of your mom. The same thing is happening for us.
It isn't as if paying you were going to deprive her of taking a fancy cruise. Saving it for her old age is not relevant. So would it just be saved for your inheritance? Might as well collect it as you go, because as you well know, you are earning it!
Accepting money does not mean you love your mother any less. And if she didn't have the money, you'd do it anyway. But she does have it, and you are entitled to it. Listen to her lawyer.