We have 3 children but one does all the caregiving for my wife and myself.
One is not physically able so that child does not contribute physically. One child is kind, sweet but offers no help to the other one who does everything.
I feel bad for the one who does it all for us. I often hire someone to take us to the dr etc. Wife is 73. I am 81. Both of us are the natural parents of these 3.
As an only child and only surviving local family member I do “everything” and have done so off and on for most of my life, out of love and gratitude for those for whom I was caring. My “services” were NEVER expected from any of my LOs, and were always offered because I wanted to offer them.
I did some VERY DIFFICULT THINGS (MY choice) whether LOs were at home, in MY HOME, OR in residential care.
If you raised your children to be as healthy autonomous adults, you gave them “roots and wings”, saved for your later years, and have a plan for those years.
I am older than your wife and slightly younger than you. I would NEVER voluntarily consider living with either of my dearly loved sons or their families.
When/if necessary I will enter a very nice local assisted living facility with stepped care on up to skilled nursing level.
I have told my sons AND social services at the facility that I MAY (involuntarily) protest when the time comes, and that they are to kindly AND FIRMLY disregard anything I say in my dementia.
Pay your own way, meet your needs, keep living YOUR BEST LIFE, love those who love you, don’t expect more than they offer.
A loving thing to do for your children is not an inheritance, but a release from the unspoken obligation of providing your hands-on daily care. It's only going to get more intense and the 1 child now attempting to meet your expectation is going to burn out, as well as bitter feelings of resentment for the other 2.
From among your children assign 1 or 2 your Durable PoA (medical and financial), create your Advance Care Directive (or POLST), and make a Last Will with an executor. Discuss what you did and why and make it clear that your desire is for there to be no infighting over petty, material things. This kind of wise planning would be a real gift to them...and yourselves.
"I've made it clear to my children that they are under no obligation to house us with them or provide hands-on care for me and their father. We are preparing as best we can to plan and pay for care that does not include them except as PoAs."
In my case, it's just me and my cats. My plan is to set up something for the cats, as neither of my kids want them. For me, I've already told them to find a place, the one mom was in or something similar if that isn't available, and manage things for me as POA. Visits would be nice, but not required other than to ensure I am getting well cared for. I didn't have kids to have nanny slaves for my older years!
"A loving thing to do for your children is not an inheritance, but a release from the unspoken obligation of providing your hands-on daily care."
Inheritance is a nice thing, but it is SO much better to ensure there are funds and plans for our care! I am grateful that mom had assets, both liquid and the condo, to augment the pension and SS to cover her care in MC. I ensured it was all locked away in a trust and only spent it on what SHE needed. It was HER assets. It allowed me to spend my time visiting with her, rather than jeopardizing my health and well-being in trying to provide the care she needed.
Any funds I have are being held in various accounts to be used for my care. IF there's anything left over, bonus for the kids. If not, at least it doesn't impact their lives and livelihoods!
Not everyone has the means to set aside enough for facility or in-home care. This has become a big issue, because most of the care then falls to any family left. Medicaid isn't the solution - in most cases it only covers NH care, which not all qualify for, and the income limits are so low that many don't qualify for it anyway. Current bills they are trying to pass includes funding for more in-home care, but not all will even accept that, if it gets passed. Attempts to keep mom in her condo longer didn't work because she refused to let the aides in.
Your children are responsible to their own families, their spouses, children and perhaps grandchildren.
When you say your 1 child does everything for you, I really hope that you guys are doing everything that you can and not feelings entitled to be cared for because .... it truly is unfamiliar to expect your offspring to forsake their own lives to prop yours up.
Maybe it is time to look interest an assisted living facility.
Maybe you just want occasional help? Makes no difference. We all want the best for our kids and for some of them it does not include caring for us.
Sounds like you should use your money to pay for more help for your wife and yourself so that you rely less on your child. Your needs are only going to increase.
If you can afford to hire some help for appointments - errands - house cleaning etc - I would say to try to continue to do so. Maybe if you could explain the extent of care or help you need. It would help others give you ideas on ways to start to prepare and check out additional resources. What kind of help and care does your wife require and do you need help with?
I do believe in families helping each other and being each other’s advocates and participating in each other’s lives - yes the good and the not so good etc - With some drs appointments we may need another set of eyes and ears and asking your child to go with you is understandable. Even before my moms stroke I would help her with things - as she would also help me. If one of us had to have a procedure we would be each other’s driver or drop off - if one of us took our car to the the shop - if one of us was sick - we would both do extra for each other if needed. Sometimes she hired people with heavy lifting things and many times me and my husband helped with basic things etc. I don’t see anything wrong with family helping family. Often it does fall on one child and that does become overwhelming for one person (if a major health crisis falls upon the the family more is needed) so if you want to help the child who is doing all the extra - you could speak with the child who isn’t helping and ask them to what extent they could commit to doing “xyz” for you both.
My moms caregiving came as “not expected” there was no time to prepare -she was working one day and a massive stroke the next - there was no time to plan - it just happened - so I would suggest sitting down as a family now and start planning.
If you are recognizing that you and your wife seem to be in need of more help lately then I would suggest (if possible) to start to thinking about adding some additional resources.
Again I am 100% for family helping family - I think you are seeing that maybe it is becoming too much for one child - so I think sitting down as a family now is your best choice. Discuss the challenges you think you and your wife are starting to need more help with and as family it can help get a better plan for everyone. Your children as well as you can then begin to reach out to local agencies in your area (like Council on Aging - Senior Centers - Elder care planning - churches etc) and come up with a better way for all.
I think your children can be part of your care as well as helping you plan for it (and discuss it now) so that hopefully it can strengthen you as a family to be prepared that going forward. You will need more going forward as well all will and involving them all so they can tell you what parts they can to help you with and what parts they will need additional help with.
I think the biggest lesson I have learned since becoming moms 100% care and advocate was just that I wish we as a family had more knowledge and that we researched local resources while she was healthy so that we wouldn’t have had to deal with so many “unknowns” in the midst of crisis.
If you want your family to stay strong during times of crisis and/or health hardships - do it together and sit down now and have the discussions together so it will allow for a better and healthier way for everyone. Best wishes.
When the time comes that our home is too much for us to maintain ourselves or too expensive to hire help to maintain for us, we'll sell it & downsize. When we're too old and infirm to care for ourselves, we will either go into Assisted Living, hire in home help, or do away with ourselves if dementia sets in and it looks like we're heading down that dreadful path. What we will not do is become a burden to our children. Period.
Expecting your children to take care of you and your wife in your old age is not fair to them and not something you should be expecting. Look into Assisted Living residences in your area and allow your children to lead their own lives, that's my suggestion. Read the boards here to see what we 'children' feel like when we've been caring for our elderly parents for decades & we're seniors OURSELVES. It's not pretty, especially when it's 'expected' or our parents make us feel 'obligated' or 'guilted' into doing something we're not naturally inclined to do.
If your children honestly WANT to help you, that's fine, but you yourself should limit your requests to a bare minimum especially if there is only one child doing 'everything.' As an only child myself, I can sympathize with him or her totally. Don't just 'feel bad' for your offspring, fix the situation by hiring more caregivers to take the stress of of that child! Do the right thing, in other words.
Make plans for your old age now, without relying on your children to bear the burden of it for you. That's the best advice you'll ever get and your children will thank you for it wholeheartedly.
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