I am caring for my 83-year-old mother after a hospital stay. Several health care professionals say that her legs are strong enough, but she says she's too weak to stand. It's been 3 weeks now and she didn't get out of bed the entire time she was in the hospital (about 10 days total). I'm taking FMLA to care for her but that can't last forever. She resists anything that hurts even a little including physical therapy. When I try to talk to her about it, she gets mad at me. She is convinced that she's not going to live that long and can just spend the rest of her life in bed but in reality, she's in fairly good health for her age. Any suggestions???
In your profile, you stated this:
"So I bring her meals and change her diaper and clean her up, and she gets mad at me when I tell her she needs to at least try."
Let her get mad. That's her problem. As far as the rest, you ARE catering to her, so why should she bother trying? Someone suggested a table set up near the bed for meals, then moving it further and further away. Put the meals there and leave the room. Or set up the meals at the kitchen table. You can offer to assist her getting up and using the walker, but she will have to go to the food if she wants to eat. If she really wants to eat, she'll have to get up. IF she wants help getting to either table, fine, assist, but as minimal as possible. The same should be for any snacks, TV, other "activities". Leaving her alone in her room with nothing to do, no TV, company, unless she gets moving - this seems tough, but sometimes that's what it takes. We want what's best for them, but so long as they don't have to do anything to get what they want, nothing will change.
I think about all you can say to her is if she won't try, she WILL lose the ability to stand and walk. THIS will result in having to move to a facility, because you have to work. There's no argument there and don't argue the point with her. Set the deadline for return to work and give her the choice:
1) you get up and moving, either with PT or rehab
or
2) you will be in AL or NH
HER choice. She has to choose one or the other, there is NO other option for her. It's going to be tough on you, but the reality is these ARE the only 2 options. She must choose.
if you have to use a wheelchair to grt her to the appointment, rent one. Just get her there.
i lived through this same scenario.
Maybe you can set a chair and tray up in her room to have meals for a week. I don't want to sound harsh but tell her if she wants to eat she needs to make an effort and must sit at the tray/table to eat. Maybe first set the chair and tray next to her bed and each day set it a little father away from the bed. After a week have her come to the family table for meals. Once you get her up get her to take a few extra steps.
If she anticipates dying she may not comply. She may, however get her wish if she doesn't get up and start moving.
FMLA will end at some point, what does mom expect you to do then? Tell her you will need to go back to work and if she hasn't made progress, she will probably be looking at moving into SNC/nursing home.
Check with her DRs and see if they can't get her in rehab. If she's like my dad she will be resistant, but it is important for her to get moving sooner rather than later. Have them also check her for depression.
I wish you the best.
Tare a Drive to the Beach, what ever she would like to do.
As far as thinking she's dying, let her think whatever makes her happy, don't argue about it.
Your mom may also be suffering from depression. I know that depression can make doing anything seem like climbing a mountain. Please have her evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist. Psych medications can take awhile to build up to therapeutic levels in the blood stream. So be patient, but keep encouraging her to get up.
Tough love may be needed if you’ve become the crutch that prevents her from dealing with reality. Stock the frig and leave. She wants to eat, she has to get to the kitchen. She needs to dress and shower, she figures it out.
Good luck. It’s not easy. I hope she finds a reason to try to get as strong as possible even if that reason is just to help you.
Key—finding a better inpatient rehab. They are out there.
Nephew is playing his 'male card' (no bathroom care work). It's working for him.
What would happen if you said No? "Mother, I am going home so you must get up or go back to rehab".
What if you won a trip to Paris & left tomorrow?
I'm picturing it now.. nephew shakes head, calls Doctor gets Mom re-admitted to hospital, then rehab.
Maybe a treat that she would really love or respond to? Sometimes you just need to get the ball rolling? Maybe serve tea or coffee with cake and have a friend or relative visit? Serve it in the kitchen, and say if she wants to attend, she has to come to the kitchen. Then the next day, find a different carrot. Maybe it’s a beautiful day to just sit outside.
Try thinking outside the box, and find something tempting. But don’t cave - if she thinks she can get away with it and eat her cake too, she will.
Im 1965, my grandmother broke her hip. In those days, that rendered you an invalid. GM told all her friends that she would sit in bed and "my daughters will serve me" (!).
The problem was that my aunt worked and my mom had 3 kids, including a 2 year old.
Grandma was told by her daughters that she was going to this newfangled thing callled "rehab"--Medicare had just been passed. Grandma said "I can't believe you are sending me to live amongst strangers", but she DID learn to walk again with a walker and was able to live independently for a few more years.
Get your mom to rehab, asap.
There's another kind too - where once you've helped wipe someone's butt, they expect you to always do it (even when they have recovered). What's that called?