I have posted here before, I (30F, with a toddler and 11 weeks pregnant) am the only daughter of my elderly dad (82M). I posted earlier this year about his knee replacement recovery. He ended up in rehab for a while but eventually was able to go home and was functioning pretty well. Now, the saga continues.My aunt and his only living sibling passed last week. The funeral was Friday, and I decided to travel out (to New Jersey from Ohio) so that I could support my dad who was also going. The Tuesday before the funeral, my dad had severe swelling in the knee that he had the replacement on and had to be hospitalized. I went to the funeral still to represent for both of us, but as his main emergency contact I was getting updates from my dad and the hospital several times a day. This brings me to the main issue... He had a surgery on Thursday to clean out the area, and they found out from testing that he had MRSA, and recommended IV antibiotics for 4-6 weeks to ensure it doesn't return. My dad was telling the hospital that his friend, a retired nurse who snowbirds to Ohio from Florida in the summers, would give him the IV's at home. He said this so he wouldn't have to go back to a skilled nursing/rehab situation (see previous post ). The doctors told me about this on Friday, and since they do not have a phone contact for the friend, the doctors asked me to talk to him and the friend and figure it out, since they obviously don't recommend anyone do this at home. Come to find out, my dad hadn't even asked his friend about this yet. I was upset, told him he was being irresponsible, he listened for 2 minutes and then said "Okay are you done? I see you are just here to scold me." All of this while I'm driving/flying out of state and attending his sister/my aunt's funeral.I sent my dad a text laying out that I’m letting his friend know, that I’ve contacted some rehabs with better reviews than the one he went to before, and that his lashing out wasn’t fair and I need a couple of days to step back. This was yesterday around 8 pm. He has called me 14 times since then. He texted me saying that he's sorry if I felt hurt (weak apology) and that he wasn't going to a rehab. That he was going to figure it out. I told him okay, and that I needed him to respect my request for some space. I'm at a loss of what to do. This is culminating in my brain of 30 years of manipulation, pity parties, and emotional absence, all coming together in the last few years of cries about being old, being in the hospital, and not having anyone to help him. He's had plenty of friends visiting him and neighbors watching his house and cat. I can't do this anymore, but I am his only daughter. How do I step back without being neglectful to his needs? Thank you for reading!
Care.com
Social services for his county
His local Area Agency on Aging
Local Senior Center
Call 2-1-1
Call 911
Please stop enabling him, entertaining his nonsense and cluelessness, etc. You should not feel guilty since you've done nothing wrong. You can feel grief for this situation, but not guilt. He is grown man who had his entire life to improve himself and figure out a plan that didn't include abusing your soft nature. TIme to toughen up, since you need all your energies for your children. Your Dad is not a child, although he acts like one and wishes to be babied like one. Just no.
You feeling guilty of being neglectful is what is called false guilt caused by someone else's manipulation.
Back off of this and let him make his poor choices. The hospital will set up home antibiotic infusions if he is refusing to return to the rehab. It may not be the hospital's first line of defense, but this is better than nothing.
You stay away from the MRSA. You don't need to be around pathogens during your pregnancy or bringing your toddler some unwanted infection.
Hopefully NEXT time, she chooses the rehab stay.
(Although somehow I doubt it.. as her daughter, arrived morning, noon & night to do all. Then again, that was a learning curve for her daughter too! She may have learnt the word NO by a next time)
"Being pregnant can weaken the immune system, making it important to be cautious around someone with an active MRSA infection. MRSA is a type of staph bacteria resistant to certain antibiotics. Infections often appear as skin pustules or boils but can spread and cause serious or life-threatening complications. MRSA can spread through direct skin contact or indirectly via contaminated items like towels, razors, or bandages.
If you are pregnant and around someone with MRSA, the CDC recommends taking precautions such as practicing good hand hygiene, covering wounds with clean, dry bandages, and washing laundry thoroughly with hot water and detergent. You should also avoid sharing personal items that might have touched an infected wound or bandage."
I would not take the chance of getting it. You have children to think about.
When your Dad told the doctor his friend was nurse and could do the IV, my first thought was "has she been asked". And I will bet the doctor did not ask that question. A pet peeve of mine. That when a patient says they have help at home the discharge nurse does not confirm it. I would be calling the hospital discharge that you will be doing no caring for Dad. That you are pregnant and are not risking your baby or family getting infected. I would think they can get "in home" care for Dad if he won't go to rehab. Thisvis a good excuse for you to now back off. You really need to tell him that you will soon have 2 children to care for. They are your priority. He is going to need to find help if he can't do it for himself. You cannot be at his beck and call. You can't have him calling you constantly. Time to set those boundaries and stick to them.
There is a book called What Happened To You. It is about childhood trauma. Get a copy and read about how the first few months and years of life are vitally important to the mental health of each of us. You are doing your children no favor to be involved in your father’s care.
There are many people who can care for your father. You are the only mother for your children.
Reread your last post. You received some good replies. You leave 2 hrs away, you can no longer be there for him. Your child must be 2 or almost by now. Its going to be hard to care for a 2 yr old and an infant. You really can't be there for Dad. He needs to make changes. Maybe an Indepentent living where his meals are provided, activities and outtings. Maybe a nice AL where there is an RN on duty. Maybe a place closer to you but you will set boundaries and he has to live by them. Your family is #1.
You cannot fix this and your father's poor choices, partially enabled by your care of him, may well kill him. This infection can go septic at any time, and death would follow quickly given his MRSA status.
Speak with doctors and social workers and let them know you are stepping out of this, as your father's unrealistic dependence on others could kill him; let them know that there is no friend who will be giving him antibiotics and that his discharging himself would be an unsafe discharge by someone who clearly doesn't understand the risks.
You didn't cause any of this. Guilt requires causation.
You can't fix this. Guilt requires you COULD fix something but REFUSE to do so out of evil intent.
So guilt is off the table. But your worry about these silly things is allowing you to allow your father to use you to lean on when you ARE NOT QUALIFIED to care for him and when this choice MAY KILL HIM.
You must get the strength to move out of this situation, tell your father he needs this care or he may die. Get back to your own life. Understand that allowing your father to manipulate you now may kill him, and THAT WOULD BE SOMETHING TO BE GUILTY ABOUT, for sure.
STEP AWAY. DO IT AT ONCE. Let father know he knows the number to 9-1-1. Tell him to call it when he has needs.
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