My 80 yr old father moved in with us about 6 years ago. I have 2 teenagers still living at home, they are now 18 and 21. My father doesn’t leave the living room. He sits in his chair from 11:00am, on the dot, till 11:00pm, on the dot. He leaves for 15 minutes in the afternoon to get lunch across the street, and that’s it. He watches what he wants, and usually it’s sports of any kind. He also sits there with his IPad watching movies or playing games at the same time. My kids, and myself, have basically spent all these years in our separate rooms. I’m seeing the repercussions of this slowly and it’s got me feeling so much anger towards him. My husband has mentioned to him that my kids would like to relax in the living room and watch tv or just hang out like typical kids do. His response is “well where am I supposed to go?” Your room is what I want to tell him. He has a tv in there. What about my kids?? They have been the ones to compromise all these years. If they do come in the living room, he sits there making noises or stares at them. He makes it uncomfortable for everyone. I’m so exhausted from being angry. My family has suffered terribly from this situation. If he goes in his room for something and hears one of us out there, he comes rushing out. If I try to clean and vacuum, he stays put. Doesn’t even have the decency to go in his room so I can clean. He’s still in pretty good health and is able to move around and drive. But something has got give. I’ve become a ticking time bomb. I just want my family time. If we leave he pouts. To bring it up, he makes it about him. My kids shouldn’t be confined to their rooms. And neither should I. This isn’t his home. He pays a little rent, and that’s it. He sits there sighing if dinner isn’t served to him every night. He literally never moves from his chair!! Writing this out, it sounds little and stupid, but honestly I’m breaking down. My family has suffered, I’ve lost many precious years and time with my kids that I can’t get back. I feel like I’m failing them by not standing up for them and their needs. How do I tell my father enough is enough and he needs to be more considerate?
Respect and compromise go both ways. I am surprised that he didn't listen to husband. When he said "where do I go" You tell him he has a room of his own and he needs to use it. The kids ARE going to watch TV in the livingroom. You have had your time. If he bulks then you say, you need to go to your room. If he brings up he pays rent, say yes for your room and board but not to take over the livingroom. Think Dad you have forgotten whose house this is, You are outnumbered by 4 people.
I agree time to sit down and have a CTJ talk. You could start by saying "Dad I think we have let certain things with you go too far. One, is the living room. That room is for all of us. When no one is home you are welcome to sit there but when others are home and want to use it, you will need to go to your room. After dinner DH and I would like to sit there for the evening. If you would like to watch what we are watching, then join us, if not you will need to use your bedroom. There are 5 of us in the house we ALL need to compromise."
Start out with the biggest problem. Don't dump on him all at once. If he can eat lunch across the street, he can eat dinner there too. He is an adult in good health and drives so he is capable of caring for himself. He should have never been a priority. By living with you he was now part of a family. You should have all come and gone the way you wished.
So now you may want to tell him that the kids will soon be on their own. That means an empty nest and time for you and DH to be doing more things together and traveling. He may want to think of maybe moving to an independent living where his meals are provided and there are activities and he make friends.
1. Either you have that CTJ meeting and set down some new rules for him to follow or:
2. He moves out into Independent Living where he can have his OWN place and do as HE sees fit without bothering anyone else in the process.
We all deserve our own space where we can do whatever we'd like. We also deserve to have people our own age to canoodle around with, which is what Independent Living would give your father. Others to hang around with and to shoot the breeze with, to play cards with, to eat with, etc. Having you wait on him hand and foot while he sits there for 12 hours each day has to stop, for EVERYONE'S sake. You're not doing him a favor, really, and he's certainly not doing you a favor by living this lifestyle. You're all suffering.
Take the bull by the horns and change the situation right away! You deserve happiness, and so do your kids. In the end, your dad will probably be happier in his own place and if he's not, oh well, you did your best for 6 years and that's MORE than enough!
Good luck!
Best wishes.
It is sad that the entire household has run around the life of one man, and that man not a member of your primary nuclear family. All family members have had to suffer at this.
Basically what is to be done is your choice. For myself, late though it is now for my children at their age--they soon will spread their wings and fly from the nest--I would tell my father that his living with my family was no longer working for us, and that we would assist him in finding the best circumstances for him according to his needs and his assets. That we would visit and support him with out love, but would like our own lives back.
The decision is yours. It has been yours all along. I wish you much luck in making the decision for a good quality of life for yourself, your husband, and your children ongoing. You cannot change the past. You can only control today.