How do I know when my father is really ill or faking it?
So my father has been living with us for this entire year. And I am, right now, feeling at the end of my rope.
I work hard all day at my job and take care of a teen-age boy. I'm a single Mom as well.
It seems that my father cannot WAIT for me to get home so he can hit me with another piece of bad news. His back hurts; he did not sleep last night; he is feeling weak; he is dizzy; he had a period of confusion . . . and today - the biggie . . . he has chest pain.
His caregiver/companion was here all day; he did not mention it to her because she is not 'family'. Though she was here all day and would have been more than happy to take him to the doctor. I had to work late as I feel like I'm getting further and further behind in my job.
My son tells me that my Dad has been out looking for me twice this evening. He did not answer his cell phone.
When I finally get home - he hits me with the chest pain. Now he did not go walking today because he had some. He will not go walking again until it goes away. He did not call his doctor; he did not tell his caregiver.
I have dealt with so many of his so-called health crisis this year; I cannot even begin to name them all. We had plans to visit our family back home and he could not get out of bed that day because he was 'weak'.
This has been going on for years. How do I know what is real and what is a cry for more attention? How do I deal with this? Call 911? Insist he go to the nearest Urgent Care? It's starting to give ME chest pain.
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You poor thing, that's got to be really tough on you to work all day and come home to your fathers needs, be it real or unreal. It's taken me these past 4 yrs just to figure what I have out about my Dad. Sorry I don't have any magical advice for you on this. The only thing I can think of would be to sit your Dad down and tell him how his wanting it to only be you to fix everything for him is just to much for you to handle and explain to him that you can't do everything and would he please help you out by asking the caregiver for help when he has an issue. If he can't work with you then perhaps you might want to look into AL that is nearby. We have to take care of our physical, mental and emotional needs or we won't be in any condition to take care of the ones we love. It sounds to me like you need some time for self care and some "me time" without guilt. We all need this and it's good for our aged parents to know it.
I had that situation occur again & again. I never knew when to be concerned or the wolf was lurking.
Sometimes my strong father ignored pain. It was always about 3 AM when he'd call to say he was feeling the worst pain ever. Off to the ER. Discover he had broken sme ribs in a fall which occured several days prior.
Other times his normally alert behavior would become fuzzy, his kind demeanor would become cranky.
Yep ... the dreaded UTI. He became immune to the standard antibiotics. Eventually his growing prostate required a catheter so he wouldn't be up pissing every 5 minutes.
I have no advice. Serious sympathy tho ... I'd never know when he needed medical attention or if he was watching TV when they rattle off dozens of possible side affects of a drug they are advertising.
Good luck.
I know the feeling about them not saying any only to you because my father does the same thing he waits intill I get home to say anything even if my husband has been with him all day. I don't know how you do it working full time, I only work 2 days a week, but it is wonderful to get out in the real world.
Hang in there. :)
However, it did spur me to have another conversation about AL with my father. I told him that I would worry less and probably he as well - if he were in a situation where he had nurses and aides trained to handle all of his medical issues. He agreed that this might be the case. I advised that I wanted to re-visit ALs after his cataract surgery in September and he agreed.
Really, last night was the last straw; it probably was manipulation on his part OR just the fact that he does little all day but obsess over his every ache and pain - AS he has done for the past umpteen years.
I love my Father very much; but do not think our living situation is good for either of us. He is too isolated; refuses Senior Center, etc. I am currently functioning as his surrogate wife/mother/cook/nurse - and it's awful. I've been functioning as his 'surrogate wife' since my mother died in 2001. Cooking, arranging doctor appointments, keeping him entertained . . . it's NOT normal.
He seemed to like two of the AL Centers that we previously visited - though he does not want to spend the money - I think he should now. He can't take it with him and he needs it now. He needs more than I can provide. I feel like I have reached the end of my caregiver rope as well.
Though my son is a teen-ager - he still needs me to be fully present. I CANNOT take my eye off the ball now; this is when kids get into trouble.
Thanks for listening. I hope no one thinks I'm a terrible person.
No one thinks you are a terrible person we have all been there done that, we need to do what is best for us.
Hang in there. :)
The 3 of us went to dinner and he did talk about the money; how he can't stand the thought of them taking all his money. I talked about the pros - the thought of 3 meals a day and some companionship with people his own age - have to be appealing.
I know that I can't make this happen befoe his surgery in two weeks. I'm not that good.
He seemed so sweet and helpless; I cried all the way to work wondering if this is the right thing to do.
My logical mind says 'Yes" - the way we are living is not normal; I have no friends; no privacy; no private time with my son; and again, functioning as the surrogate wife since 2001. My father has no appropriate social contacts other than his caregiver and relies on her, my son and I to meet ALL his emotional and physical needs. He needs companionship; activities; and 3 good meals a day as oppposed to doughnuts and soup the days his caregiver is not there and I don't have time to cook.
My emotional mind says "why can't you make this work?" It's financially advantageous; he's a sweet old man; he loves me and my son . . . am I blaming him for too much for what's wrong in my life.
I know, in my heart, that we would all be better off with him in ALF - most of all, HIM. But it's so so hard to think of 'sending your father away'.
Prayers for all of us facing this situation. I truly hope I die before my son ever has to make decisions like these.
As for hoping you die before your son has to deal - make sure he knows how you feel. make sure everyone in your life knows. Do a living will - if you don't have one already you can get them online - and attach with it specific instructions in case of dementia.
Having seen my MIL's pain and suffering with cancer and her death at age 49, I decided long ago I would never do chemo unless 'they' could all but guarantee I would have a complete recovery. Now, having lived since 2006 with the ravages of my Mom's Alzheimer's, I (and my husband) are more determined than ever than our three adult daughters will NEVER find themselves in a similar position.
Unless he has dementia or something that has changed his personality, I suspect he has always been this way. You have to protect yourself, your job and your relationship with your son. Grandpa's needs can be more than met in a nice assisted living facility. Don't look back, just do it. I hope he cooperates with you.