Hi I am new here. My parents think we owe it to them to be at their every whim. Quick back ground: I have been a stay at home mom to my children. I have one daughter who has been in college. Through the years we save a bit too for them. It was our plan to help pay for half of their college. My husband is a lifer in the military and he will retire in three years.
My parents think I am their free slave now that my dad had a stroke. They are very rude and disrespectful toward me about my time. They expect me to maintain their acre yard, and take them to all of their appointments. They want me to drop everything and come over when they call. It is getting very upsetting and I need to set boundaries.
I have to get a job this fall to pay for college things for the kids. How do I navigate this? I feel like I can't even think, they fry my brains, and they own me. I am very angry because they were alcoholics when I was little and did not care for me well. Now they expect me to care for them and I resent it. It has been hard because I do not mind helping people but I have things going on too. My sister is very little help if at all.
I need to set boundaries and stop feeling guilty because I cannot be all to them and their slave. I have to do this and I do not know how.
Thank you.
One thing to add, our parents sometimes tend to forget that we, ourselves, are getting older. I know my parents would look at me like my hair was on fire whenever I would say "I can't do that anymore". They were still viewing me as 35 with a ton of energy, instead of me being 65 ready for a nap.
When they make a demand for one of the crossed out ones "i'm sorry, i'm not able to do that"
No explanations - when they say "why not...... we were counting on you...... there is no one else....... how can we....... you are being selfish......." just repeat - over and over if needed "I'm just not able to do that, you will need to make other arrangements" and if they bug you, which they will, "I love you, gotta go, bye" and stay polite and pleasant
No explanations, gotta go bye (hang up or leave the house) if they start getting nasty. They will likely not respect your boundaries, but that doesn't mean you give in. They don't have to like it. But only you decide WHAT you will do and WHEN. So do so....
I would share proactively, rather than waiting for them to ask and say, "No". You could even help them with recommendations for other services, yard care, cleaning, etc. so they understand you won't be doing it.
You need to set boundaries and you need to stick to them.
Let them know that you are available 1 day a week. (pick a day that is good for you) and you can help them on that day. Any other day they can either wait or they can call someone else.
They can pay to have someone mow the yard for them.
Or this becomes your job.
You become their care manager and bill them for your time. If you look at the rates Geriatric Care Managers make a pretty good living.
I pay the company that does my lawn $35.00 a week and it is not nearly as large as their yard. Call and get prices and they can either pay you or pay someone else.
Repairs and any other chores also get billed by the hour. (and they pay for parts)
Just because your parents THINK something doesn't make it so. You are no longer a child. And in the USA, there is no legal mandate to care for your parents. They were supposed to arrange for their own retirement.
Make a list of the tasks that they need done on a regular basis. Decide which ones you are willing to take on, like doing their grocery shopping ONCE a week. Set the terms clearly; they make you a list, you order the groceries and have them delivered and they make the payment.
Any other requests should be met with "no, I can't possibly do that."
or "You will need to hire some help to come in to take care of that task."
or "Gee, you need a lot of assistance to stay in your own home. Perhaps you need to think about moving into an Assisted Living Place."
Don't allow their temper tantrums to sway you from your boundaries.
Beatty here, who you will come to know, always says that "there will be no solutions as long as you are all the solutions" and she is right. You are currently enabling the behavior.
You might need to see a counselor or therapist to learn boundaries, and to insist on them. You have a nuclear family that badly needs you and your support; they are your first priority.
Your Sister has likely made the right decision. I would get together and talk to her about her thoughts in this matter.
Guilt belongs to felons and evil doers. That isn't you. But you DO need to understand you are human, and to embrace your limitations. You need to be able to gently tell your parents they will have to care for themselves or move into care, that you cannot continue as you are doing.
I wish you great good luck. We sink easily into habit, not because it is best for us to behave in the same way over and over, but because it represents the KNOWN. It takes tremendous courage to rework our lives and our priorities. Often we get trained by abusive parents to "serve" them. The webs they weave are confusing and stronger than they look.
I wish you the very best.
You are already well on your way, though you may not realize it. You understand your OWN FAMILY needs you now. You understand you aren't god, you aren't omnipotent, and you can't do EVERYTHING. You understand changes are coming and something has to give, and you even know WHAT NEEDS TO GIVE. So you are there except for boundaries, for standing up for yourself, for implementing your plan, and for understanding how to stand firm. Get help with that. I have in 80 years gone to counseling three times. I don't know where I would be today if I had not. It was an enormous help.
My heart goes out to you. Only the GOOD feel guilt. The bad, who SHOULD, never do. Change your G-words. The good word isn't guilt, but grief. You are sad that your parents are failing and will fail, that you are sandwiched between their needs and your children's needs, and that you aren't God and can't fix everything. Allow yourself that grief. My best out to you.
I would start by deciding what you are willing to do for them, how many times and when. You can also decide you don't want to do anything, and there is nothing wrong with that decision. Whatever your decision, know that your parents will me very unhappy about it. That's their problem. You aren't responsible for their happiness.
I would however, help point them toward resources that can fill in what you don't cover. Names, phone numbers, organizations, social services for their county, etc. Then leave it for them to pursue. If you continue to be the only solution for all their care, they won't be able to see how expensive it is, how they are not "independent" while they are "aging in place" and how unsustainable it is for all involved. They won't look for other solutions.
Please do not entertain paying for them to stay in their current situation. Do not pay for any of their care. Your own family has priority. Your parents are fully-grown adults who had all their lives to plan for the eventually of their aging and decline and care -- and apparently just assumed you'd be the answer to it all. It is immoral to assume someone else into endentured caregiving.
Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting? It is possible you have developed a dysfunctional, co-dependent relationship with them. This may be why you are struggling to find and keep boundaries. Seeing a therapist may also be helpful to you. I wish you much wisdom, clarity and peace in your heart as you find your pathway forward.
P.S. this was just posted by another participant as I was responding to you...not the exact same scenario, just to encourage you that things can change for the better.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-474160.htm?orderby=newest
So you are their driver and their yard worker? Do you do things inside for them as well? I'm just trying to get an idea of how much time you spend doing things for them each week.
What is their financial situation? Can they afford in-home help? Yard help? Sounds like it is past time that they either hire out tasks or sell the house and move to Assisted Living.
What do you think?
Do you have POA/HCPOA?
Mission creep is a real danger. And beware that once you have a job, the demands won't stop. Even if they don't use you for transportation to appointments during the week, they will expect you to take care of them after work and on weekends.
You can't change them, and you can't change your sister. But you can change you -- you can set hard and fast boundaries with them and (this is the important part) maintain those boundaries.