I recently had a baby in my thirties. My great aunt who is 74 would always tell everyone in the family that I wasn’t going to have kids because if I was I would've had them by now and I have been sent here to look after her.
I previously visited her twice a week. We have a huge family, so she is always with someone and she has a live-in boyfriend. She has recently been checked by a doctor and she has no dementia or physical problems.
It all started when I was 6 months pregnant she decided she had to be with me all day every day and when she couldn’t she had to be on the phone to me constantly. She keeps saying she’s has no one, which is not true. She lies about people visiting her to make it look true. She makes up false emergencies to get me to go round. She says she is suicidal and the only thing that will help is if I take her out in the car everyday to cheer her up. And she wants me to buy her flowers. I have a newborn baby and have had a c-section so can’t walk or drive. She lives 10 mins away and walks to my house trying to get in my house everyday. My husband tells her I’m in bed recovering, which is true. She bombards me with phone calls all day.
I have a huge family and they have been with her everyday but she doesn’t want them she only wants me?
How do I make this stop? Please help!
Of course she should be checked out by a doctor, but if she was perfectly fine up until you were six months along, it may not be dementia or a UTI. It could very well be that she's jealous of you having a baby and wants to make sure she will always come first in your life. Your aunt thinks you will be her nanny-slave in her old age. She needs to be corrected about that.
Call her out on her lies about no one visiting her and having no one. Ask the family she does see to back you up on this with her. If she calls you and claims to be "suicidal" call 911 and send the police there.
Stop allowing her gaslighting and manipulation to control your life.
As for her only wanting you over the rest of the family. That's only partially true. She wants the other family for her socialization and to enjoy life with.
You are her emotional dumping ground. You are the one who will handle every crisis (real or fabricated). You'll be the one who gets all the complaining, the one she fights with, and every other negative possibility. You don't deserve that. Your aunt is what is called an emotional vampire and you're the one she chooses to feed off of. That has to stop. Even if you have to cut her out of your life completely for a while (which would be a good idea), do it. Best thing for you both.
Its time to set boundries for you besides her. Make family aware that you will not be able to do for her. You now have a baby that takes up your time 24/7. That when he/she naps, so will you be. Or, trying to get things done. Block her calls. If you have a cell, use do not disturb. It gives u the option of only calls and text you want go thru. I would ask DH to be the bad guy. Every time she tries and visits, he tells her your busy or sleeping. When she calls, have him pick up and ask her to stop calling that you will call when u have time but don't count on that being soon. He needs to be firm and blunt. People like ur Aunt don't read between the lines.
When you are yourself again, which will take over 3 months at least (Babies don't sleep thru the night till at least thenl you will need to sit Aunt down and tell her you are not on this earth to care for her. That there are family members that can help her and her boyfriend. That you are now married and have a child to care for. They are your priorities. If you have a job, another reason why you just don't have the time. Maybe have ur DH present to confirm everything u say. That you will visit when you can. That if she wants to visit, she needs to call to see if the visit is convenient for you. Its called being courteous.
If you cannot resolve this problem with her, then u may need to move. You are entitled to your life and privacy. Grandchildren and Great nieces and nephews should not be made to feel they need to care for grandparents and great Aunts and Uncles. Especially when there is other family. I think its nice you visit, but if that becomes a problem, you may need to back up.
I feel this maybe a cultural thing so probably won't be easy.
No is a one word sentence. No explanation needed.
When you say No, you are not responsible for the reaction.
My new montra...I am here to help people find a way, not be the way.
PS, I am 72 and do not consider myself elderly. I have Aunts I would not have cared for, so a Great Aunt not excepting borders I would not have felt I owed anything either.
This new family member is about to steal their thunder and is your new priority and like a jealous sibling they work to get it back.
Part of being a mature adult we step aside and make room for the next generation, some of us did not mature. Those with personality disorders etc.
I would take a bullet before I would disrupt my daughter raising her family but her Dad had no problem doing it to get the spotlight back on him.
When he passed away in their living room it brought the whole house down, get those type people away from your family.
Stop answering the door or phone you can say later you were busy with the baby bc you were.
When adults can’t control themselves you have to do it, nothing comes between you and that new baby not now not ever.
I would tell her in the kindest manner possible that you are not god, but a human being with limitations. You will tell hr you are a new Mom. Then you will tell her what you CAN do, and you will need to stick to that. You will have to be willing to tell her that you hope she will no do anything foolish, but you cannot prevent it. I would add this "Aunt, I must tell you, and I am sad to have to, that the more you carry on in the manner you have, the less I will be able to come to see you; I now have a child and my obligation is to her, to make myself available and healthy for her. I would grieve having to withdraw from you, but I will do so if I must".
Then stick to it, because it is the TRUTH. You train people not by what you say, but what you do. You will have to enforce your best intentions for your family because that IS where your obligation lies.
Read the book, Boundaries. An easy read full of anecdotes of people in positions like you.
Also, a sudden change in mental status can point to the possibility of her having had a small stroke.
Is her GP recommending treatment for her anxiety or any investigations?
Make it clear to your family that you are taking time to recover (6 weeks, minimum) and to bond with your infant and that you expect them to corral her for you.
Aunt is jealous, needy & way past pushy. Appears mentally ill.
Her past behaviour of 'grooming' you to be her caregiver is entitled & very selfish. It could stem from anxiety. Regardless of cause, her life is hers. Yours is yours & yours is now as a new family unit.
I second having your Husband as a gatekeeper. Block her calls, don't answer the door. That kind of harrassment must stop, either you or your husband tell her, another family member tells her or the law does. Seriously.
Threats of self-harm should be reported to her Doctor (if you know her Doctor). Even if you suspect it is said as a tool to manipulate you I would take it seriously & report this for her own safety.
I would be locking my doors. If she arrives trying to get into your house, has been told to leave but does not, I would be calling EMS for a mental health emergency. She may be experiencing some sort of breakdown, but could be many other medical causes not yet diagnosed eg stroke.
1. Have someone in the family that you both know and that she respects talk to her about her obnoxious behavior.
2. Have someone in the family take her to see a psychiatrist. What kind of doctor said she had no dementia? If not dementia, something is mentally "off".
3. If she mentions suicide, immediately call 911 (or whatever your emergency number is) and have her transported for a mental health evaluation.
Just No.
Block her calls for a while if you must.
This is crazy behavior by her and it needs to stop right now.
Few things piss me off more than someone threatening suicide to manipulate and get their way!
Is there a family secret here that needs to be revealed? Can your mother give you some insight?
This came to mind because of someone else's experience that was recently told to me. This person found out that her aunt was actually her birthmother and the birthmother's sister raised her as her own child. I know this is far-fetched, but it could help to explain your aunt's obsession with you.
You should be enjoying your new baby and taking care of yourself as you recover. I'm glad your husband is running interference, but you also need to stop taking her phone calls, once a day is more than sufficient.
Take the fake emergency. She calls and says help help the house is on fire. And you said or did what?
Your aunt has shown no previous sign of being a nut job, I take it. She has no dementia or physical problems. She has a boyfriend she lives with, she isn't that old, and she has plenty of family and plenty to do.
The only remaining thing I can think of is that she is over the moon to the point of deranged about your having had this baby, and that you are overwhelmingly her favourite young relative, and she has formed what we must hope is a temporary obsession, possibly with some sort of jealousy or quasi-sibling rivalry mixed in with it. It does happen, without there being anything sinister about it, that an older generation person can feel a much stronger attachment to one individual than to the others in the family. Be honest with her, tell her your life has changed, tell her it won't stop you loving her but it does mean she needs to give you and your family more space.
Presumably she never had children herself?
She has no kids by choice.
with the emergencies she will say something like “ (Boyfriend) has been pressing buttons on the thermostat and broke it the heating won’t work and the house is freezing” I will go round and the heating is on there’s nothing wrong boyfriend totally denies touching it. I will say “ there is nothing wrong it’s been on the whole time and he says he hasn’t touched” she will say “ aw sorry I panicked there I’m glad I have you, I would lay down and die if I didn’t have you. Do you fancy taking me to the shops/ for lunch/ for a walk along the beach in your car.”
a new one is “my pipes are exploding aw sorry it must of just been the noise will you taking me to the shops now that you are here?”