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My Mom is 98 & I'm her only caretaker. My older Sister& Brother passed away & my oldest Sister doesn't live in Tx. She can't live alone. I don't go much more than an hour way from her. She uses a walker and I let her do what she can In June my long distance boyfriend moved here. I talked & talked about him,but she doesn't really remember. He moved in giving me a ring. He has some medical problems & doesn't do something everyday,He vacuums the whole house on Mom's beauty shop day. He buys groceries,& stocked the cupboards up and freezer. He doesn't want to take away from Mine & Mom's time,so he stays in the bedroom a lot. He has his own 5v shows as we do. He came incto my Mom hat in hand & was very friendly,but she is very cold to him and still is. She told me,you don't know what you've gotten into. Yesterday she thanked me for him staying in our room when someone came over. She doesn't know how to explain him she said. She told me that she's not sure about him.Ive had a long talk with her about him and that I'm 63 and that she won't be here forever. I lost my boyfriend 4 years ago in the house. He had pneumonia and didn't wake up. I told her I've been trying to move on since February. He told me that we got Mom together. The big problem is she shook her finger at him and said you be a good boy and sit down when he tried to help her stand up or come up stairs to the house. He's getting over a bad wreck and he is a rough around the edges cowboy who hauled cattle for years. Is it too much to ask that she lets mbe happy? He didn't move here for anything or anyone but me. He's told me even though she hates me,I would help and protect Mom as I do for you. He is 56 and I'm 63 and would never leave her in a nursing home. She doesn't like any help than me ,so I'm just asking what to do.

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I’m going to propose that your boyfriend move out and get an apartment nearby at least for now .

Also for Mom to go to assisted living .

Third and very important , for you to go to therapy . You need to work on setting boundaries .

Then you’ll see if the boyfriend is just looking for a caregiver or not .
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Reply to waytomisery
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PeggySue2020 Aug 5, 2025
Agree with the first. Especially the first.

The vast majority of cattle rasslers and ranch hands are not us citizens. If that’s the boyfriend and he loves you enough, he can move in NEAR you as opposed to WITH you.

Sister, there’s a reason it’s WITH you and it’s not love. It’s free rent plus the promise of marriage which he thinks will benefit him.
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And why would you never "leave her in a nursing home?" She may not always be in the stage of health she is now, where you've indicated she does what she can. (Not sure how much hands-on caregiving you have to do for her, if she's like a full-time job or what?) There may come a day when you can't do as much for her as she needs. You may need to rethink your anti-"nursing home" mentality. They're called skilled nursing facilities now, by the way.

So boyfriend lives with you in a home that mom owns, and what happens when she is gone, either deceased or needs care elsewhere? Does he then get a free place to live there? Will he push for co-ownership? Are you engaged, he gave you a ring, and are you planning to marry? If so, be aware that Texas is a community property state.

I see red flags here, and I'm not clear what's really going on. I hope you will not be blinded by True Love so that you are taken advantage of, and I wish you good luck with all of it.
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Reply to Fawnby
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As gently as I can say this - I'm not sure you are really ready for advice - at least here. Because what you get here is straight, to the point and often blunt. For a reason.

Everyone here has either been a caregiver or is currently a caregiver. We KNOW.

Some of your post reminds me of my SIL. She went from providing care for my FIL, to a really bad situation with her DH of many years, and then when we got her into a safe place - she began waiting on her new roommate hand and foot. For absolutely no reason whatsoever. Being nurturing is not a personality fault, but it can take over your entire life and you lose yourself trying to take care of everyone around you.

You say that you would never leave her in a nursing home. Your new boyfriend sounds like he has a strong propensity to need you to possibly care for him as well. This is a recipe for disaster. If you are not willing to consider ALL options - including moving mom to Skilled Nursing Facility or having the boyfriend move out and care for himself while you focus on mom - I'm not sure what we can offer by way of advice.

Its your home. You have a right to have your bf there of course. But if you aren't going to bring in someone to care for mom, aren't willing to place her in a SNF, want to keep your bf with you - to be frank - I'm not sure what the other options are right now.
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JeanLouise Jul 28, 2025
💯
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"He moved in giving me a ring. He has some medical problems & doesn't do something everyday"

You are being groomed by this guy - he sees you as "a nurse and a purse". How did you meet him? Online, perhaps?

If you really want a life, you need to 1) throw this guy out and 2) place mom in a facility.

You say you lost your last boyfriend to pneumonia in the house - was he also in poor health prior to pneumonia? Were you his caregiver, too?

My friend, you need to rid yourself of being an unpaid caregiver. If you really feel this is your "calling", at least apply for a job doing it where you can get paid for your work.
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JeanLouise Jul 28, 2025
"Nurse and a purse" 💯 spot on
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He “doesn’t want to take away time from you and your mom so he stays in the bedroom”. Translation: he doesn’t want to be bothered. That’s good he’s doing some things to help out but he’s doing *himself* a favor by vegging in a bedroom, not you.

I agree with the others. If it’s mom’s house, out he goes.
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Reply to LucyImHome
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“He moved in giving me a ring” He moved in where? If it’s your mother’s house, he had no business moving in to it. It’s her home and should be her choice who lives in it. If he lives in your home, it’s not mom’s business. Either way, the person losing here is you. Mom is getting care the way she wants. Boyfriend is getting what he wants. You’re exhausted and caught in the middle of a no win situation. Until you’re ready to tell and enforce to mom that she has to accept help other than you, nothing will change. Being someone’s everything rarely if ever goes well. I wish you courage and peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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PeggySue2020 Jul 27, 2025
Plus, does bf even work? Because a 56 year old man with options isn’t likely to his top option moving in with his older gf and immediately taking on chores and caregiving for a mom who doesn’t like him.

Who is paying the utilities?
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Youngest, your relationship is in the honeymoon stage, it is as good as it will ever be, you really want to spend your life with a male that doesn't do something to contribute to the home everyday?

I get your moms point. I would not be happy for anyone I love and care about being in this situation.

You can do whatever you want but, you have now made him your moms problem and she is not going to willingly accept you and him shacked up in her home, regardless of who owns the house, it is her home.

Oh, he gave you a ring but, did he give you a date to make that ring mean something?
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Youngestof41962 Jul 27, 2025
Oh please read my answer. My house.
Thank you for your input
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Caution you aren't caring for them both. Seek assisted living for Mom.
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Reply to JeanLouise
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Whose house is this? Yours or moms?

If it’s moms, she has every right to be upset at your boyfriend moving in to be her roommate.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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Your mom should be living in a personal care home. She is not going to be around forever. So you will get your life back. However, if it's very stressful and you cannot take any more then place her somewhere to be cared for.
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