How do I support my dying father, without risking my own health?

Contact your state's department of health or elder care agency (or equivalent public agency) and ask how to find a good attorney in your area who specializes in elder care. With Baby Boomers reaching the age where care is going to be necessary for many, law school students have become aware of this specialty area. If the agency gives you a list of names, call several and tell then what you are facing - to get a feeling for whether or not you would want to work with any particular one. Don't rely on internet information because there is so much misinformation about professionals (doctors, attorneys, accountants, etc.).
Ask what it will cost for an appointment to go over your legal position regarding your Dad. In that phone conversation make sure you mention he is in Canada - and that you need advice about how that will affect your legal position (I think you mentioned Dad is there, but I can't find that response now). Ask if the attorney will be able to help with such a situation. If not, does he know someone he would recommend? In the initial phone conversation, find out as much as you can about what that lawyer can do for you. Call at least four before you select one.

Then please do what it takes to stop tormenting yourself about your emotional position with your father. You may not need to see a therapist who specializes in eldercare issues, just someone who is a licensed therapist, or psychologist - but do see a professional who can help you see this situation through realistic eyes and plan the next steps you take. Right now, your unrealistic expectations for yourself, your guilt and your Dad's behavior toward you are hurting you, and eventually the feelings they create could make the situation too difficult for you to handle. Then you would be of no help to your Dad!
This IS one of the most difficult periods of your life, get assistance from whomever can make this "job" easier to carry out. Best wishes~

My late mother was not a terminal cancer individual, but she was at EOL stage and she demanded to live alone - 7 states from me and all the way 'cross country from my one sibling - my brother. Your story is in a lot of ways like mine. I had to leave my home, family, husband and pets and move in with her because she demanded to live alone. Many, many ailments that could have killed her, but the tipping point for me having to make a split nano second decision was very low bp (60 over 40) - bordering on passing out! Prayers sent to you.

Get a good lawyer get the Dr opinions and a 2nd and third opinion.Pray and surround yourself with friends N loved ones!

You are an amazing daughter and doing everything you can from miles away. Keep in touch with him by phone, letters and cards etc. If he doesn't want to give POA , you can't force him to do so. Have you been In touch with his doctors? They may be able to advise him or with his permission talk to you.

Is he at home or in a hospice? Do any of his family live near him?

My Dad died suddenly and never talked about death so we had to make the funeral arrangements. This was OK as we knew his likes and dislikes.

keeping you in my thoughts and sending you hugs.

Trudy

California, it’s out of your control...you can’t make him do anything now when he’s sick...he should have done all the important papers when he was well...maybe there’s another family member to encourage him to do this? He can even write his wishes on a piece of paper & make video recording...maybe have lawyer come to his home? They might charge fee but it makes sense now...Just to ask him what his wishes are & document it. He’s feeling overwhelmed right now & you’re sounding desperate because you’re far away when he’s sick. Good luck & hugs 🤗

California,

Read up on FOG and co-dependency. There is much in your post that indicates that you feel you can keep a man with terminal cancer alive, "complete recovery" is not possible with terminal cancer.

What are you asking for? "I want to run to him every time something is wrong, but when I ask for something, it gets throw back in my face." Is this a reference to the paperwork you want him to complete, or are you asking for money to cover your flights? Who is throwing it back into your face?

Have you asked your Dad when he is not in a medical crisis why he has not organized the POA? Is he like my Dad who felt like he was going to live forever, or does he feel his death is imminent and there is no point? Or is the dysfunction so great that there is no person in the family he could assign, that would not cause greater fighting in the family?

Have you asked him who the "daughter he needs" is? What does he want from you?

From whom or what do you need protection? Dad's behaviour, your behaviour, the rest of the family? From whom does Dad need protection? Does he feel he needs protection from them?

From a follow up post you made, I am glad Dad is getting Hospice care. Now you can decide if you want to make one more trip to see him while he is alive or wait to head back to TO once he has passed.

See if any of the Hospice agencies in your home town offer counseling services. I now here in Canada, it would be free.

I often wonder why nowadays there is an expectation that family will move mountains to get to a bedside each and every medical crisis? In the past people died quickly, heart attacks, fatal strokes etc. There was not expectation that people would come from afar to the bedside. They would if they could afford it come to a funeral, but more often than not would splurge for a telegram to be read at the service. When my grandparents immigrated to Canada, they knew they would never see or speak to their families again. They did write. When my Aunt moved from the West Coast to TO, she knew that other than a visit every 2-3 years, she would not jump when Granny was hospitalized. She did come to the funeral.

My Dad passed in 2016. He was 89. He stated to me that he didn't want to go back to his cardiologist that he was tired of it. I did not "make" him go. I saw other signs that I remember now but was confused about when it was happening with him but my Dad was "in charge" in that he would just look at me and say "no" and the look in his eyes meant exactly that....no. I asked him if he wanted to go to the doctor one day and he said no and I said why don't you just come to my house? Same answer...no. I only lived 3 miles from him. He was as lucid as anybody except that he said he saw his brother (dead brother) on the sofa reading the newspaper. Well, Dad was falling asleep a lot in his recliner and since he made good sense otherwise, I assumed that he was dreaming when he drifted off. He had Congestive Heart Failure. Well, now that I look back, I think he may have had a UTI and the edema he was suffering from was getting worse than I knew. He was shutting down. I called the EMS one day when I was visiting but he could not stand up. I only had a POA (Power of Attorney) and Dad had instructed DNR. I spoke with doctors and they said it was Hospice time that he had maybe two weeks or three. He was on the breathing machine by that time and they couldn't take him off so I knew exactly what was going on. After Dad passed, I started that business of "why didn't I take him on to the doctor?" "Why didn't I realize he had a UTI?" Well, it was mainly because he was lucid and not complaining and was 89 years old. I stopped letting my mind go there because the cardiologist said most don't live that long with a faulty heart valve and he now had TWO faulty heart valves per the echo done at the hospital. The cardiologist said he had lived a great life for somebody with Congestive Heart Failure and was upright, lucid, eating, enjoying his TV shows, visiting his friends at the fire station, etc. I told you this just to say that they want to stay in charge even with me being in my sixties, Dad still saw me as the oldest "child" but he made his decisions. I did my best with what I knew at the time and I stopped beating myself up and trying to rehash what I shoulda, coulda, woulda have done. It wasn't helping anybody. Bottom line is the parent wants to stay in control of their situation. Just allow your Dad to call his own shots if his mind is good, meaning no dementia/alzheimers and call it good. We all know on this site that the elderly also become stubborn and crotchety and we probably will too. Ha! Don't beat yourself up. Your Dad is terminally ill. You are grieving your Dad now. You can help with the final arrangements when he passes on and know that you tried and did your best considering that you live 3,000 miles away. People have to move due to careers, marriages, and other things. You cannot make your Dad do what you say. When his time does come, they will make his passing as comfortable as possible and let you know when to come. By the way, you can't be everything t him and keep your health too. I tried that a few years ago and ended up in the emergency with palpitations and the cardiologist said it was stress related. Yes ma'am. Take care of yourself because there will be arrangements to make when the Lord comes to escort your Dad Home. My best to you and your family. Take care of yourself.

If he were to die today, what would you do? Consider how you would like to honor his life and death and make plans for that memorial when he passes - whenever he passes.

Without a will, the state will decide on distribution of his assets. Make peace with that idea.

Without a POA, the closest family member: 1st spouse, then adult children, then other adult family members can have a "say" in his care if he is unable to participate for himself. Make peace with this concept and ask dad to put a card in his wallet with phone numbers of family members.

What would be a wise visitation plan for you, your health, your finances, your job, your other relationships? Visit when you can; call when you can't. Be at peace that you are doing the wisest plan you can come up with. No guilt allowed.

Is he on Hospice? My own controlling mother is now on hospice and they’ve been a Godsend! They are steering her into the possibility that this life is coming to an end and she is understanding now that she may not live forever. Before Hospice, she never admitted to dying or even coming to the last stage of her heart failure. She just kept stomping forward, dishing out orders and expecting everyone to take care of her. I can’t tell you how much more humble she is and it’s been wonderful for me as I have stage 3 cancer and need to take care of myself.

Hospice has people who will try to get through to your dad and allow him to accept that he is moving on to the next stage of life. Death is not the end. It is just a part of our lives here on earth.

I think the thought of ones own demise scares the hell out of people and maybe he can't make appropriate arrangements because that would mean he has to accept that he is dying.  I am not making an excuse for him, just pointing out what I have observed in my own parents.  You live 3,000 miles away...there is no way you can be there for an undetermined amount of time.  Be there when you can and don't beat yourself up.  This is a hard time of life for them and us.

I have lived through a similar angst, California.  I wish I could be more succinct but my response is less logistical and more rambling psychological. It's been a few months since my Dad died, and ten years since my Mom died. I am as raw and burnt out as ever dealing with the aftermath, including picking up the pieces of my life and closing their lives. I frequently commuted from CA to MI, to the detriment of my own relationships, career and retirement savings. If I can add anything new to the great wisdoms that have already been shared here, it's that you must possibly be psychologically struggling with The Covenent.  MaggieBea touched on this -- that your parent is coming from the imprinting that you must be their infallible, fully devoted parent/guardian/medical coordinator/social worker/social director/legal fixer/systems analyst and troubleshooter/best friend/Miracle Worker, and most of all, must re-ignite and re-create the glory days of their life when they were in full control.   And you should do so willingly, with an innocent and fresh-faced smile.

I am dealing with the pain of witnessing my confused, pleading, scared, dysfunctional loved ones desperately reaching out with horrific tentacles that tear you apart and suck the life out of you. They themselves were treated so badly in their youth, that their dysfunction is utterly understandable. And here it is, one helplessly lives at a distance, imagining the look in their eyes and their betrayal felt, their aloneness with their dying gasps of engagement.  I empathically knew they couldn't help themselves -- in their day, isolated on hardscrabble homestead farms, family and local folk were everything. Their own parents died without medical care in their young 50s, so they had no role model. They simply worked hard and sacrificed, and I don't think they could see I was working hard and sacrificing, too, trying to build my own life. I have yet to come to terms with having had to move so far away.  Some of your angst may be the distance caregiving scene.  There are some threads on AC that address this, but we are in the minority for sure. Being an artist, you are a sponge California. Develop a split in yourself where you are like an actor, acting as a wise steward who must create an entity to take care of both of you, to separate from your very deep sensitivities. You do it in art all the time. Do it In Caracter for awhile til you get through.

I mean no derogatory insult to religious or moral covenants.  I use the The Covenant as a mnemonic to spur my brain into trying to parse out what is truly a rational and benevolent priority.  Perhaps you could consult by telephone with your father's county department of aging services. And try to consider some of the sharing offered here. You are BOTH a rational and a very emotionally caring person.  It is not more religious nor moral nor caring to sacrifice yourself for a cause that can be handled differently, with objective, professional input and help. I hope you can muster the energy to reach out, all through this nightmare. You deserve to live, and you can handle getting there from where you are right now. Caring sent.

Respectfully, sometimes we children react to our parents as the people we *wish* they were, in the relationship we *wish* we had with them rather than who they really are and the relationship the way it actually is. This is quite exhausting. A gentle reminder that he is a fully adult man. If he wanted his relationships or things a certain way, he could have brought it about by now. It appears (objectively) that this isn't what he wants, nor is it a priority for him, nor does he care of its impact on his LOs. If he was raised in chaos, then chaos is his normal. But it shouldn't be for you. May you -- and he -- have peace in your hearts as the hospice journey unfolds.

I hardly know where to begin. You are in no position to help him, living on the other side of the country. And he does not take care of himself. Does he live alone? Does he have insurance? Are you the only one in the family interested to help him? What you could do is call the office of social worker in the town or county where he lives. Maybe they can help. Good bless you for your concern for him.

You are the daughter, not the parent. You need to take care of yourself too. Is he in a facility where care is provided? He might be ready for hospice care. If not, consider that if he'll accept it. Or consider having aides come in to assist him who will be in touch with you as needed. If he doesn't make arrangements for POA, a living will with his medical directives, and a will, prepare yourself for a big mess after he passes away and during this period. He's making it more difficult.

I don't know if what I'm going to say will be useful or not -- I can be off-base sometimes (like any other advisor). So see if there's anything here you can use. If this is too long to read, it's okay to scroll to the bottom. (Sometimes I'm longwinded, sorry).

As a hospice chaplain, I often see adult children going through similar situations with their parents. And very often they're expressing guilt because they can't do everything.

Usually the parent is either very old or very ill and thus very frail because of it.

Something happens and the parent gets scared and calls the person they think of as a kid, rather than calling someone local (like 911 or a neighbor). Partly this may be self-protective wiring from our mammalian past: if you let strangers know you are weak maybe they'll throw you to the lions to save themselves, or maybe they'll kill you outright, but members of my own tiny pack might help.

Partly it might be the result of cognitive decline, or of compromised thinking because of panic.

Either way, far too often the parent is ignoring, or has forgotten, the fact that their adult child is in the middle of young-to-midlife adult things - tasks and obligations, the new gig economy (which the very old often forget even exists), the new way of being an employee (which seems to require reading emails and writing notes even after hours).

Meanwhile, the adult child in the situation is trying to serve at least two internal demands from their own psyche: Be the rational one who can take care of this crisis and protect those who are weaker ... AND ... experience the child's natural fear of the death of a parent (often with emotions leftover from decades ago).

I've seen adult children from 20 to 70 imagining that the reason their beloved parent has died is that they -- the kid -- didn't do enough. 'Maybe if I'd been able to come running one more time ...' or 'Maybe if I hadn't needed to sleep ...'

But this guilt exists to protect us from our natural grief at the loss, or impending loss, of a relationship that has been so important to us when we were children (whether or not the relationship has prospered after we moved out). Losing a parent is one of the larger challenges in the cycle of this life we're in, or you could say one of the larger rites of passage.

If you can find a way to accept the fact that he's going to die no matter what you do or don't do ... and if the family can get him some assistance via hospice ... then your grief can be less complex. Alas, the grieving will still be painful (again, no matter what you do). But you don't have to beat yourself up for not being able to save him.

If he does not make arrangements everything will go into PROBATE and it can take two years to get the judge to hear the case regarding division of property, home, etc. If he does not own anything then don't worry about it.

Be mindful POA becomes null and void at time of death. The Executor of the Will manages this..if there is no Will (not living will, but WILL)...everything goes into probate and it's a two-year wait. With a Will it only takes a few months.

Pre-arranged burial or cremation will save money. I got my mom cremated for $800 and there was a reduced cost of $400 because of the pre-arrangement contract.

If he insists on doing this "his way" or refuses to live with you, then I suggest you wash your hands of him and put him in a nursing home and be done with it, and live your own life. IF you feel he is a danger to himself or others, call the cops and get him Baker Acted for psychiatric evaluation.

EVEN with careful estate planning when mom died it is a MAJOR HEADACHE getting the estate converted over to me. I can't imagine the pure horror if nothing was prepared. but like I said if he has nothing, then don't worry about it.

I feel your frustration in your words & can sympathize with you. I honestly don't know what on earth you CAN do here, except what you've been doing, but only if it's not going to cause YOU a breakdown or financial ruination. The selfishness of some seniors is mind boggling to me..............the very thought of putting my children through something like this is unthinkable to me. You are an amazing daughter for rallying around him in spite of all the dysfunction and refusal to do the right thing about getting his affairs in order.

Remember; you cannot protect your father from HIMSELF. I know how hard it is to be so far away from him in times of crisis and impending death, but this is how HE wants things to be. Keep that in mind when you're beating yourself up for what you're not doing. It's what he won't ALLOW you to do. So wait for The Phone Call, I guess, and be there for his funeral. At this point, I don't know what else you CAN do.

Best of luck and here's a big HUG for all your stress & grief, my friend.

While I can see the reasons for the frustration, I'm not following on why you feel that you haven't fulfilled your duties as an adult child. If he's incompetent and not able to make decisions, care for himself, etc., then, he needs a Guardian to protect his interest. You can consult with an attorney about that process and if it's feasible. And, if he's not, then, it's on him to make those decisions.

When I go out of my way to help someone, I acknowledge and treat it as such. I don't see a problem with being honest with myself that I have done my best. I'm proud of it and it gives me peace. That's the reality and something I can accept. I might talk to a counselor about your perceptions. I'd keep in mind that you can live in the same house with a senior, yet they still ignore your advice and continue to do as they please.

Unless his doctor says he needs 24/7 care, I wouldn't be keen on being with someone around the clock. I hope you can find the answers you need.

Oh man I can understand the chaos when there is no paperwork in place giving anyone the authority to act on his behalf.

My dad was not going to sign any paperwork that gave me authority to help, I lost 10 years of my own life because of the stress and trauma of dealing with the hospital and insurance with no authority. I told him straight out that I was not going to do that again, he has every right to keep his own counsel and not do anything, but that he would be flying solo next time, I would not even go to the hospital and that whatever the doctors decided would be the outcome if he was so sick that he could not advocate for himself.

He signed the paperwork, he knows me well enough to know if I say it, I mean it and I do what I say.

Sometimes we have to step back to protect ourselves. Maybe your dad likes everyone fighting over him and he would not change that to save his life.

We do the best we can and try to let go of the rest. That's all anyone can do.

I am so sorry that you are experiencing such turmoil with your dad. Obviously you care or you wouldn’t visit him or be inquiring on this site but as you said it is taking its toll on you. Does your dad have anyone besides you that visits him? Who cares for him besides the assisted living facility? Have others spoken to him about the legal paperwork that should be done?

I completely understand that you would like to have necessary legal documents in place. Who wants to deal with those issues after a person has died? It is not unreasonable for you to ask him to get his affairs in order.

Your words have not made enough of an impression for your father to listen to your requests.

How about letting someone else speak for you? I wouldn’t even let your father know that you sent someone to speak to him. Maybe the person could say it is a routine visit for anyone living in a facility.

Perhaps a social worker or clergyman could persuade your father to prepare and finalize legal documentation before his death.

Maybe, just maybe if your dad heard your plans from someone else he would listen and consider it. Parents can be stubborn. You can’t make him do anything that he doesn’t want to do. Is he in denial about his ailing health? Does he suffer with any cognitive decline? Has anything clouded his vision?

I wish the very best for you and your family. Hugs during this difficult time.

Sticking strictly to your father's point of view, what IS the daughter he needs? What does HE want of you?

If you're 3000 miles away, it doesn't add up that he - again, strictly speaking - needs your practical input. There may have been chaos and drama, but he has muddled through.

Is it possible, asking this gently, that what is beating you up emotionally has been the longing to do more than it is possible for you to do? And anxiety that things you think need doing don't get done?

Who is actually on the scene to provide day to day support?

It would make life simpler and more controllable if your father had got those documents done and authorised responsible people to keep his life as organised as it can be in the circumstances. But it hasn't been *necessary*, not to him.

Suppose you were to rise above the fray and keep only to daughterly communication with him, about him, and you, and the things it's important to both of you to get said while you can. Would that change the kind of conversation you have with him?

It sounds like a tough situation. Plus, a lot of unnecessary stress. Sadly, it seems that seniors don't appreciate how their behavior can cause a lot of issues on family members. Are you sure that he's thinking clearly? Has he suffered cognitive decline or dementia that is causing him to not make arrangements. Is the fact that he has no POA or Advanced Medical directive what worries you?

Is there a spouse or local person who can have him evaluated for Hospice? They have case workers, social workers, nurses, etc. who can really help the entire family. At least they do that in US. I think they have something similar in Canada.

There are many dysfunctional families. I know what you mean about that.

But, if he refuses to take action and is competent, there's not much you can do. He won't be a DNR and will get full treatment to revive him should his heart stop. Maybe, he wants that. I'm not sure what being there would accomplish if he is resistant. There would be lots of time waiting around a hospital. I'm not sure I get the guilt part, but, I'd focus on keeping your expectations low. I try to let go of things that are out of my control, even though, it's frustrating.