I have been struggling with this issue for awhile now, and wondered how others handle this very touchy situation. My mom has moderate dementia, is physically able to do most things, however, driving her car could be dangerous to herself and others..I am afraid I have been a chicken about approaching this, so in March, even though I knew her tags were expiring, I did nothing about it. In April, her drivers license expired but I did not tell her. Her car has been garaged here all winter and because it is a sports car, she has not even started it since September. The last time she drove she got lost 6 blocks from the house, and I had to go find her and have her follow me home. Now that it is spring, she wants to get her car out, and the other day, she tried to start it (I was not home) and the battery is dead. This is an old BMW Z3 that is in bad shape. She has tape around the rear view mirrors to hold them up, and tape on the rear right tail light! She thinks she is such a good driver and is proud of this car...wow....She wants me to try and get the battery out and have it replaced...I have talked to her doctor about this and he has not really been very helpful..The last thing I need is for her to drive and hurt herself, or worse..someone else. Can anyone help me figure out how I am going to approach this? I am the primary caregiver with no other siblings (my brother died 3 years ago) so I know it is up to me. She is going to really throw a huge fit over this, I know. She is seriously beyond reasoning this out....Help.....
Depending on how you want to play it, you could report her anonymously to your state MV department and they'll send her a letter requiring she be checked out by a doctor within a certain time frame (be sure the doctor knows she got lost while driving close to home and that you're concerned about her being a danger to herself and others if she gets behind the wheel.) Or, you could insist that a new battery and all the other repairs will cost too much. If you know a friendly mechanic, you could get a fake estimate made up. Donating the car to one of the legitimate charities that accept cars and boats would be the best bet, so she won't obsess about getting it back on the road.
We anonymously turned Mom in to the DMV so that she had to take the written and drivers test. She ended up passing both after studying and practicing(she ran into a pole practicing parallel parking) She now has her license for 2 more years! She lives in a retirement-assisted living apartment where few can drive and they count on her to take them places all the time. She loves this because she feels special. I feel that it is a law suit waiting to happen and don't want her driving others around. She also has the beginnings of macular degeneration and shouldn't be driving at night but she says she only goes places she knows….What do we do now?
We anonymously turned Mom in to the DMV so that she had to take the written and drivers test. She ended up passing both after studying and practicing(she ran into a pole practicing parallel parking) She now has her license for 2 more years! She lives in a retirement-assisted living apartment where few can drive and they count on her to take them places all the time. She loves this because she feels special. I feel that it is a law suit waiting to happen and don't want her driving others around. She also has the beginnings of macular degeneration and shouldn't be driving at night but she says she only goes places she knows….What do we do now?
My husband was always the one who did most of the driving in our house, but thankfully, he agreed with me and handed over the car keys.
I have been here and done that. You have a few things in your favor. If the car is dead it should be pronounced unfixable. Someone can look at it and just say it is a gonner. If her license is expired than DMV can help by requiring an MD exam and an OK to drive via a driving test. You can actually call them and give them that heads up. We were lucky -my Mom went to the pharmacy one morning got a little lost and actually pulled over to ask a police officer how to get home. He suspected that something wasn't right and called me (I had my number in her glove box) and I asked him to pull her license. She refused to go for the exam etc and she hasn't driven since. She still asks about driving but we just tell her the police took her license. She will be angry but some of what your going to have to do will make her angry. They do forget about it pretty quick. Its not easy but its better than someone getting hurt or worse. Good luck-know your not alone.
Then we had the issue of the car, because as long as the car was sitting in the garage, Dad kept wanting to drive. We took the keys, but we continued to get the arguments. Finally, after about a year when Dad calmed down and began to accept that he would not be driving anymore, we talked to him about how it was a bad idea financially to pay for insurance on a car that nobody drove. The battery was dead, so the car didn't run, but it was time to get rid of the car. It was a 20-year-old car and all beat up, so selling it wasn't going to be easy. Instead I asked at the Senior Resource Center and they told me about a local charity that accepts donated cars. They have mechanics who volunteer their time to fix the cars and then they are either sold to raise $$ for the charity, or else they are given to local people who are in need of transportation. Dad would get a small tax deduction for the donation, they came and towed the car for us, and we didn't have to worry about that anymore.
Almost a year has passed since the car left. Dad still gets ornery about not being able to drive, but at least we don't have to worry about him going out and taking the car without our knowledge. Taking away the keys is one of the hardest things the elderly have to deal with. Just like a teenager GETTING the keys for the first time, the car keys represent independence. Having them taken away represents a new phase of dependence. Dad hasn't been the same since.
I don't know much about cars, but if this one is kind of a classic, maybe you could find a family member, friend, or even a teen-age car buff who would like a project. This person could offer profuse thanks to mom and offer to take her for a ride after the car is restored. Since most of these projects take months or years to complete, she will probably forget about the car before it is finished.
there is alot of detail to formulate a plan so that your loved one does not become a shut-in
especially a loved one who is very active in the community
depriving a loved one of her community,family,friends because of her driving is not healthy for anyone involved
her diagnosis is a part of her life not her entire life
we each do the best we can and that seems to change with information,experience, education & support
bravo for asking for help!!!