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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Why discuss it with him? It will only upset you both. On the day it’s happening, tell him he’s going to a place to get care while you’re away, being as vague as possible and without discussion or argument. As far as regressing, the sad truth is dementia is all about regression, one loss after another, something firmly out of your control. Make no apology and feel no guilt for looking out for your own health and wellbeing, it’s vital as a caregiver and is the very thing that makes you able to continue in the role. He need not ever hear your need for respite has anything to do with him, just that you’ll be away and will see him again soon. I wish you rest and peace
Guilt is inappropriate here. You didn't cause these problems and you can't fix them. Guilt requires causation out of evil intent and a refusal, also out of evil intent, to fix things. That isn't you. Change out your G words. You are more likely feeling grief and overwhelm.
Your husband, of course, will NOT like this. That is beside the point. Life is 50% things we don't like. Your husband may temporarily regress. That is also beside the point. The point here is that in order to continue in-home care you, yourself, being a normal human being, REQUIRE respite.
To answer your question, you just tell him matter of factly, that he will just be there a few days, food is good, you hear it is fun, you need a rest so you can take care of him better etc etc.. You can even say it is just one night if his lack of memory will support that . It is ok to lie to someone with dementia if it makes it easier for you both. Don't apologize, don't appear upset etc, set the tone of it is not a big deal and don't back down from that Sometimes you can see guilt as the byproduct of being a good and loving person. But try and be that person for yourself. You NEED to take care of yourself.. the statistics on care giver health is frightening. And who would be there for him if you were not able to be because of not taking care of yourself? The person he once was would probably beg you too save yourself.
My mom was FURIOUS when I finally agreed to let them place her inpatient - it was supposed to be respite as well but she ended up passing there and it was such a relief. The reason they finally insisted on what was supposed to be a week of respite care is the home hospice nurse witnessed my mom emotionally and physically abusing me and finally said enough is enough. She was end stage with her cancer and angry with the world and would physically punch me when I tried to care for her. I had promised I would not put her in hospice and that night was horrible - she screamed and cried and made such a fuss when we got to the inpatient facility (she had to be transported by ambulance and it was an awful ordeal). I did not think I could bear it but slowly I began to realize she was much better off there and just getting to nap on the family bed in her room while they took care of the actual care was a relief. She fought them hard and we had to eventually force the pain meds on her during inpatient stay, but without those meds she would have been in excruciating pain so it was a necessity. Just the relief of not having to do the backbreaking (iykyk!) work of turning her and changing her and changing the bedsheets and cleaning her - it saved me. You have to do it. I know the guilt and anxiety you are feeling. But at this point you have to accept some help - it is SO hard to do this on your own. Give yourself permission to do this. Promises are made when people are in their right minds and when things are terrible but not overwhelmingly so. Family caregivers are not equipped to do the things that sweet hospice nurses who work shifts and then get to go home can do. I know I am rambling but I want to somehow help you give yourself permission to do this - you DESERVE the respite! We are not meant to do this alone. Over a year later I am still suffering the physical issues - debilitating back problems that will probably never go away. PLEASE give yourself this short break. If it turns into a longer break, accept it. Give yourself some grace. Good luck.
He will surely forget what you tell him anyway. Just arrange it, drop him off and tell him you will see him in a few weeks. He might like having new people around.
How long will he be in Respite? I placed my Husband in a facility for Respite. I was gone 3 weeks. I was so worried that he would be so "institutionalized" that i would not be able to bring him home. I got him home, he want to his recliner, sat down just like he had been gone for the day. So he did not decline as I had expected him to. BUT...there is a very good possibility that your LO will decline. Expect that he will and if he doesn't take that as a blessing.
Will he be upset. Probably. He will get used to the routine.
If you have a bit of time before the scheduled Respite ask if you can bring him a few times. Pick like 2 weeks before you leave and bring him for the day Monday, Wednesday, Friday for 5 or 6 hours. He will get used to the people, the routine and the staff will get to know him a bit. That might help him adjust a bit better.
If he only remembers things for a minute at a time, why go on explaining explaining explaining ad infinitum? Those of us caregiving dementia patients explain far too much, IMO.
They live in the here and now, it's unclear how much they understand, and all the explaining explaining explaining is more to (1) assuage our own guilt and (2) to have something to converse about with them because there's nothing else to say when they no longer do conversation. You could recite The Gettysburg Address to him on respite move-in day and it would mean about as much as, "Honey, I'm so exhausted that I've booked you into the Dementia Hotel so I can rest, get a massage, do my own pedicure without having to get up eleven times to get your water bottle, and I'm going to miss you so much but it's only for (however many) days and when you come home we'll watch old home videos and reminisce about good times in Europe." If you explain explain explain to that degree, you will lose him at the word "pedicure."
Tell him as little as possible. On the day he goes there, tell him you're both going to a place for lunch, go there, have lunch with him, then disappear while he goes to paper-folding class. Have fun on your respite, and enjoy the pedicure!
He will probably have no idea how long you are away.
Is he on any meds for anxiety/agitation? If not, maybe this is a conversation you have with his primary care physician. It might be helpful to get this in place before he goes there.
Here's the thing. If he has dementia, don't even try explaining that you need a break from him. Tell him the doctor is putting him in there for a few weeks. Tell him what CaringWifeAZ suggests and tell him he's going on a vacation. Tell him that you're having the house renovated and the contractors said everyone has to get out for a couple weeks. Tell him anything because he'll forget it anyway.
You need to take regular breaks from your LO. What happens to him if you drive yourself to your grave by being a careslave 24/7/365? He goes into a facility for the rest of his life and not just for a couple of weeks.
Bring him to the facility. Don't even visit. Will he be angry and scared? Probably, but he'll forget about it. You can call a few times, but really take a break from him.
Of course he'll be upset - perhaps for a minute. The goal is to keep him calm. It will help you to read about / learn what dementia is and how it affects parts of the brain so you will have more understanding of how to respond.
You tell him what will keep him calm. It is a blessing to you that he only remembers for a minute, even though this is a heartbreaking situation.
You tell him you and him are going to visit a friend. You create his room so it looks as much as his room at home does (his furniture, pictures on the walls, family photos on the dresser).
You smile - focus on non-verbal communications as much as possible.
Study with Teepa Snow so you will understand what is happening to his brain and how best for you to respond.
See a therapist to deal with your guilt as it is misguided (as guilt is by definition). There are reasons why you feel guilt and a therapist can help you through it.
The healthy response(s) to yourself: * know that he will get the best care he can in a facility, which you cannot offer. * Look beneath the guilt feelings - what is running you? Write your feelings in a journal. The way through is by being present with how you feel - then it transforms / shifts / changes. Do you be afraid of how you feel. Invite all your feelings in - be open to processing through them.
Although you say a 'respite' so perhaps you are talking about a short term facility stay - ?
Guilt is a nasty one and certainly not easy to get through. We all do the best we can.
It is okay that you are exhausted, need a break, can't manage this intense responsibility that never ends. Do not expect yourself to run on empty - which is where you may feel you are at now, which is why he's going to a facility.
You tell yourself "I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN IN THIS MOMENT."
Then you do something nice for yourself (take yourself out to dinner, take a bath, buy yourself flowers, have a drink with a friend - whatever nurtures you).
No one can run on empty. We all have regrets and the 'why didn't I's' or the 'why did I's" - it is easy to think like this after the fact. This is why FORGIVENESS (self and others) is so important / essential to being healthy (mentally and physically).
In my experience, it is the foundation of moving through stuck feelings / behavioral patterns.
We do the best we can in the moment. That is all any one of us can ask of our selves.
Find supportive friends. Get a therapist. Watch Teepa Snows You Tubes or her website. Get her (or others') books.
Find moments of joy when you can. Don't take them for granted. Cry as you need to. Honor all your feelings.
A person can't live their life only in service to a person with dementia. Their entire existence 24/7/365 can't be devoted to keeping that person calm. It's not sustainable. In fact, it's not even possible.
I have seen too many good people, many who had help coming in die of caregiving. This is a thing. Even when they have respite they're still micromanaging everything. So they neglect their own health and a heart attack happens. Or they get sick. Or more sinister things happen like elder abuse or the caregiver gets driven to an act of desperation themselves.
It's not about keeping the person with dementia happy and calm. If the caregiver dies, the demented person usually goes into a care facility permanently because other family is not going to take it on. Now they're in a strange place and they never see the person who took care of them day in and day out ever again.
Caregivers need a break. Sure, the person getting placed will probably get scared and hysterical. Let them. Place them anyway. They can be given medication to calm them down.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Your husband, of course, will NOT like this. That is beside the point. Life is 50% things we don't like.
Your husband may temporarily regress. That is also beside the point.
The point here is that in order to continue in-home care you, yourself, being a normal human being, REQUIRE respite.
Sometimes you can see guilt as the byproduct of being a good and loving person. But try and be that person for yourself. You NEED to take care of yourself.. the statistics on care giver health is frightening. And who would be there for him if you were not able to be because of not taking care of yourself?
The person he once was would probably beg you too save yourself.
I placed my Husband in a facility for Respite. I was gone 3 weeks. I was so worried that he would be so "institutionalized" that i would not be able to bring him home.
I got him home, he want to his recliner, sat down just like he had been gone for the day.
So he did not decline as I had expected him to.
BUT...there is a very good possibility that your LO will decline.
Expect that he will and if he doesn't take that as a blessing.
Will he be upset. Probably.
He will get used to the routine.
If you have a bit of time before the scheduled Respite ask if you can bring him a few times. Pick like 2 weeks before you leave and bring him for the day Monday, Wednesday, Friday for 5 or 6 hours. He will get used to the people, the routine and the staff will get to know him a bit. That might help him adjust a bit better.
They live in the here and now, it's unclear how much they understand, and all the explaining explaining explaining is more to (1) assuage our own guilt and (2) to have something to converse about with them because there's nothing else to say when they no longer do conversation. You could recite The Gettysburg Address to him on respite move-in day and it would mean about as much as, "Honey, I'm so exhausted that I've booked you into the Dementia Hotel so I can rest, get a massage, do my own pedicure without having to get up eleven times to get your water bottle, and I'm going to miss you so much but it's only for (however many) days and when you come home we'll watch old home videos and reminisce about good times in Europe." If you explain explain explain to that degree, you will lose him at the word "pedicure."
Tell him as little as possible. On the day he goes there, tell him you're both going to a place for lunch, go there, have lunch with him, then disappear while he goes to paper-folding class. Have fun on your respite, and enjoy the pedicure!
He will probably have no idea how long you are away.
You need to take regular breaks from your LO. What happens to him if you drive yourself to your grave by being a careslave 24/7/365? He goes into a facility for the rest of his life and not just for a couple of weeks.
Bring him to the facility. Don't even visit. Will he be angry and scared? Probably, but he'll forget about it. You can call a few times, but really take a break from him.
The goal is to keep him calm.
It will help you to read about / learn what dementia is and how it affects parts of the brain so you will have more understanding of how to respond.
You tell him what will keep him calm.
It is a blessing to you that he only remembers for a minute, even though this is a heartbreaking situation.
You tell him you and him are going to visit a friend.
You create his room so it looks as much as his room at home does (his furniture, pictures on the walls, family photos on the dresser).
You smile - focus on non-verbal communications as much as possible.
Study with Teepa Snow so you will understand what is happening to his brain and how best for you to respond.
See a therapist to deal with your guilt as it is misguided (as guilt is by definition). There are reasons why you feel guilt and a therapist can help you through it.
The healthy response(s) to yourself:
* know that he will get the best care he can in a facility, which you cannot offer.
* Look beneath the guilt feelings - what is running you? Write your feelings in a journal. The way through is by being present with how you feel - then it transforms / shifts / changes. Do you be afraid of how you feel. Invite all your feelings in - be open to processing through them.
Although you say a 'respite' so perhaps you are talking about a short term facility stay - ?
Guilt is a nasty one and certainly not easy to get through.
We all do the best we can.
It is okay that you are exhausted, need a break, can't manage this intense responsibility that never ends. Do not expect yourself to run on empty - which is where you may feel you are at now, which is why he's going to a facility.
You tell yourself "I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN IN THIS MOMENT."
Then you do something nice for yourself (take yourself out to dinner, take a bath, buy yourself flowers, have a drink with a friend - whatever nurtures you).
No one can run on empty.
We all have regrets and the 'why didn't I's' or the 'why did I's" - it is easy to think like this after the fact. This is why FORGIVENESS (self and others) is so important / essential to being healthy (mentally and physically).
In my experience, it is the foundation of moving through stuck feelings / behavioral patterns.
We do the best we can in the moment.
That is all any one of us can ask of our selves.
Find supportive friends.
Get a therapist.
Watch Teepa Snows You Tubes or her website.
Get her (or others') books.
Find moments of joy when you can.
Don't take them for granted.
Cry as you need to.
Honor all your feelings.
Gena / Touch Matters
A person can't live their life only in service to a person with dementia. Their entire existence 24/7/365 can't be devoted to keeping that person calm. It's not sustainable. In fact, it's not even possible.
I have seen too many good people, many who had help coming in die of caregiving. This is a thing. Even when they have respite they're still micromanaging everything. So they neglect their own health and a heart attack happens. Or they get sick. Or more sinister things happen like elder abuse or the caregiver gets driven to an act of desperation themselves.
It's not about keeping the person with dementia happy and calm. If the caregiver dies, the demented person usually goes into a care facility permanently because other family is not going to take it on. Now they're in a strange place and they never see the person who took care of them day in and day out ever again.
Caregivers need a break. Sure, the person getting placed will probably get scared and hysterical. Let them. Place them anyway. They can be given medication to calm them down.