How do single people manage the caregiver role? I feel overwhelmed and angry.

Their are many pf us. You are not alone. I've been doing it for 6years. I find that support groups help me. Here you dial 211 and they tell you.
Good luck.

How do you join a support when there is nobody to substitute for your caregiving, plus I afraid of leaving them with anyone. It's just too difficult to handle.

Feeling for you, MsElaine...
How old is your mom? Is placing your mom in a facility out of the question? (quite possible through Medicaid if there's no money). Then you could visit her there, while having day-to-day help.
I was alone in caring for both my parents, and they were in facility (!), and still I was often overwhelmed caring for them and their affairs.
I look at this time just as a "chapter" of my life, not the whole tamale (I have learned so much!)
I also focus on staying in the moment, and just doing what needs to be done.
After dad goes (mom left over a year ago now), I will resume my life, and feel good about my service to my parents. After all, I wouldn't have any life if it weren't for them caring for me those first 18 years....
As far as anti-depressants, I would go the natural health food store route...
Try stress-relief Yogi tea or kava-kava tincture or St. John's Wort or Lavender oil pills.

All the best to you and your Mom

I may get tomatoes thrown at me, but I feel your pain. I'm 39 years old, single and caring for my Dad. As others have said, looking into a facility may be an option. I determined REALLY early into the caregiving journey that co-habitation would NOT work. I still struggle with my decision to put him in AL (IT'S SOOOO EXPENSIVE), but I knew that I would not be able to provide the care he needed.

I was dating a half way decent guy when I brought dad to the city where I lived, and he did his best to help out, but between my inability to go out like we used to and my completely crabby attitude, the relationship ended. Besides, Dad made it clear that HE wanted to be the only man in my life.
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I thought I had met a prince charming last year. He immediately jumped in and helped with Dad -- even volunteered -- but it soon became clear it was his plan to "reel me in". He became verbally abusive and within months, I didn't even recognize myself. That relationship didn't end well, and I think I made such a bad choice out of sheer desperation.

So now, I just DON'T DATE. I don't have the energy. I'm angry, bitter and resentful. I've gained 25 pounds since caregiving. I don't fix myself up. Every day I exist. I don't live. DON'T BE LIKE ME!!!!

Vent here! This forum is AWESOME!!!! Like others have said, don't give up your life for the sake of your parent. Even if you have a wonderful relationship with your parent, caregiving will take it's toll. Take time for you. Don't let guilt / fear turn into resentment.

I also was reluctant to go on "happy pills" so I found a naturopathic doctor that gave me some holistic alternatives. To my surprise, taking more time to do something I enjoy (returning to the gym) has helped tremendously, and "giving myself grace" though ongoing has provided some peace.

It's OK to think of yourself and LOVE YOU!!!! I wish I would have done it.

Hugs to you!!

We are all with you. I have been caring for dad for 10 years and I was so wrapped up taking care of him that he's the one that started worrying about something happening to me. Now I'm fixated that he will outlive me as all the women in family have died before 70. Im 60. But then he's 91 and has long term insurance that will not help me since he lives in my house with me. I'm thinking of finding someone that could set him up in a home if the worst happened. My own auto-immune is so much worst and they contribute much to caregiving. I have scheduled/reschuled surgery several times until dad seems to be on the uphill side of Parkinson's and pray for best. I am the last of family. I have found a very trusting support group for 1 hr a month and that's my release.

I totally understand where you're coming from. I've been a caregiver for my hubby for about 14 years. Things have gotten worse and now he is bedridden, incontinent and unable to do much besides feed himself. His mind is sharp and he questions my every move. I have 2 children and they help whenever they can, but they have their own busy lives.

When my husband was discharged recently after 3 months in rehab, I met with the social worker at the facility. They did everything they could to get us as much help as they could. For the time being, he has an hour of therapy 3 times a week. I've been offered a healthcare/bath aide who will bathe him and even change his bed. We also have a visiting nurse once a week. This is all taken care of by Medicare.

Connect to the Internet and check out what help is available to you. Start with Medicare and your local Area on Aging. You can also dial 211 which will connect you to United Way for help.

We just had a discussion on this site about when people say "take care of yourself,too!" We know which people really mean it and care about us. They mean well. Good luck to you.

To be single and the only one caring for someone is dismal without children of your own. It becomes very clear how it is going to be for you. It is like building a house without enough materials to finish the job and no way of getting more before everything falls apart. It takes a lot of character and a good heart but she's your Mom. Mom and Dad are special. It's not like you are doing this for a cousin and there 6 more who are just taking it all without shedding a tear.

I agree with the maybe look into assisted living also, maybe look into Medicaid, POA, etc. It is hard, I guess I feel alittle different, I was blessed with wonderful parents, they were always there for all 4 of us no matter what and gave alot of scarafices through their lives for us kids. My mom is in assisted living now (going on 8 mo. I know us kids put them through h*ll back in the "day" with wrecking cars, partying, etc. and they never strayed from us, they cannot help that these d*nm diseases rob them of there life or dignity and remember that they didn't get to sign an application to have this happen to them either. They know deep down inside what is happening and realize that they are a burden and don't enjoy it either. Does anyone realize this? Alot of us have our own families and have to wk fulltime and life is really hard these days for all of us, but I try to remember what my parents did all those years for me and my siblings ( even though my older brother's have a hard time calling her ( because they have a hard time "seeing her like this" give me a f""king break!! I do what I need to do for her, I don't put my selfishness before her and I try my best to do for her what she has ALWAYS done for me.

See Elder lawyer for her finances ...get her on Medicaid & get caregiver help. Is Mom mobile & able to do anything for herself? Try the best you can but don't expect you can do everything for her all the time. It's not humanly possible. Good luck & health to you.

well i would say to do something that makes you happy ..garden & what ever you did before your mom is where she is ,but you may not have time too i got flowers & food garden going . well read or watch t.v every thing is different i have diabetes that is rough too i walk my dog 4 times a day a long walk in the morning & 3 short ones how about other family can they help give you a day to what you want to do ..things will get better yo just have to set a pattern well good luck

Please take care of yourself first, if there is enough money hire someone to help so you can take a break. If you are feeling desperate please consider an assisted living place for her. I don't know your whole situation but please seek advice from your County on Caregiving options etc. Sometimes we try to be stronger than we should and end up worse off than the person we are trying to help.

I've been single and taking care of my Mom for 7 years. It's very lonely and depressing. It would be even worse without antidepressants and Sleeping Pills. You have to take care of yourself first.

It's not just single people - I am a wife and have no help whatsoever - but I just do what I can. You need to learn to prioritize to the best of your abilities. A lot of "chores" will remain undone. Anyone that cannot understand, learn to shrug your shoulders, roll your eyes - and keep going.

It's your social life I am more concerned with - I have none, but I am married. I can remember when I had no social life before I was 25 and that hurts. Possibly a local church has some kind of programs? Like a senior daycare program? I live in "podunk county" and there is nothing within reasonable range but I pray you can find something so you can have a few hours off daily.

Although I know we should not be political on this forum, I am concerned about what may happen with the current health care bill in the Senate, which does a lot of slashing of Medicaid. Most people don't know, until it affects their parent or spouse, how much of nursing home care is paid by Medicaid. Even the moderately well off can deplete their savings in a few years if they have to have assisted or skilled nursing care. In the past, non-working women of the family took on this responsibility, but the elders didn't live nearly as long as they do now. I had a friend with diabetes, and he told me that he would quit taking insulin if he became dependent on others--that happened, and he did, dying in a diabetic coma. Most of us don't have such an easy out.

I think you can ask those "friends" who tell you to take care of yourself for help. Ask your church, ask relatives. Be specific. Ask them for a time slot in which they can look after your mother while you do something for yourself. Establish some boundaries with your mother. Find out what she can contribute (everyone likes to feel they can contribute). Exercise, eat right and get enough sleep. Know that it won't last forever. Remember to be tender. Your parent can't help it and you would want someone to be tender and respectful of you. They took care of you for many years and you were probably a drag on them at the time. God bless the caregivers.

Reading all the responses tells me that if we get to the point where we need to take drugs then it’s time for a nursing home. I know how everyone feels..I am behind on my medical as well as everything else, I just don’t have the desire to do anything and takes so long to get just one thing done. I also work part time. My health is declining and since starting caregiving my BP has gone up to 145 where it used to be 120. I am noticing a lot of health problems with me, but I just “don’t care”. I have thought about meds but I feel if I am to that point, then I need to search for a healthier route and maybe it’s nursing home for my mother, because I just can’t start exercising, I just can’t do it. I say I will, but I don’t. I almost want to try to catch up with my desk full of stuff before I start exercising, and I don’t even want to bend down much less exercise. I am a whole different person now, I don’t even know who I am, meanwhile, my mother is just getting better and better at 92 and I am getting worse! Drs now say mom will probably live another 10-15 yrs!!! I am NOT DOING THIS ANOTHER 10-15 YEARS!! I just don’t know when my cutoff point will be that I will stop caregiving, especially since caregiving is not my personality type. I want to go to caregiving support groups, but I don’t even have the time for that.

I doubt you need more practical advice at this point. The only reminder I might add from my own experience as a single person is that whatever you decide to do (stay, find professional help, whatever) is that there really aren't a lot of 'right' answers here.

If your experience is like mine, you spend a lot of time gas lighting yourself. You wonder if you're crazy. You get mad, but then remember you can't get mad because the person you're caring for can't help themselves. I mean come on, their physical brain is deteriorating right? How can you be mad? Then you get physically tired. Stressed, that you can't remember which medication is which or if you're doing a good job or what a good job even is.

You do the best you can do. Your friends might be saying it out of having nothing else to say, but they're right that you need to take care of yourself. Find something that lets you focus on the moment. Exercise. Run harder than you ever have. Swim, my personal favorite. Meditate. Yoga. Whatever. You *need* to find things that give you some kind of life. Make friends at a bar.

If you feel like you're at your limit, do what you need to. If people judge you for it, you can ask them where they were when you needed help. Which will leave yourself, as the only person left to judge you.

I just lost my mom 2 weeks ago. I was my mom's caregiver and sometimes it can be tough but tomorrow is another say and you can do it. You DON"T need meds. As they say if I had just one more day one more hug with her. Cherish every moment whether good or bad. You will always have the memory of the time spent in your heart and it will last you a life time. I was lucky and honored that I could take the best care of my mom. I never wanted to put her in a nursing facility and she didn't want to be in one. She died in the comfort of her own bed in her own home surrounded by many loved ones whose lives she touched.

I am married and I've been sleeping at my mom's for almost four years now. I'm thankful to have a husband that is okay with that for the most part but it has put a huge strain on our marriage at times so from my view maybe being single isn't so bad? Unless you're referring to the income side of it. And don't get me started about having a sibling. Usually only one sibling does all of the work while the other's live their lives. I've been angry, sad, depressed, deeply depressed and so many other emotions that I can't name them all. The best thing I did was to take the anxiety meds. I refused to take them for a long time thinking I could handle this, but I couldn't. I don't regret taking the meds because they have helped balance me. At least I no longer cry all of the time. After this is over I can get off of them but for now, they are the way to go for me. The financial cost is too expensive to put mom in a nursing home and she doesn't qualify for Medicare so I am having take this journey. If your mom qualifies for Medicare look into it. I can no longer go where I want, when I want or take vacations and I dislike that more than anything else about this. I've lost my freedom and at times I feel like a prisoner in my mom's house. I work full time and pay a sitter during the day using mom's savings and it is very expensive but I'm thankful that mom has enough money (for now) to pay for that but because no one has any idea how long this can go on so I have to also be frugal with her money. I couldn't afford to pay the sitter otherwise because we live from month to month with our own pay. Mom has Alzheimer's, diabetes's, had a stroke and her heart has been in A-fib 24/7 for over four years now. I also took care of my stepdad who also had Alzheimer's until he passed a couple of years ago. Mom took care of him until she got had her stroke and then I had to move in and take care of both of them. Like other's have said, I'm in my sixty's and can't look forward to my own retirement because all that means is I'll have mom full time then. At least coming to work gives me a break from caregiving. I'm thankful for my church family for they give me some support and strength and help but I hate to ask for help but I'm learning how to ask. You can't expect anyone to know what you are going through unless you tell them and even then they just can't really know. It's impossible. I had no idea how horrible this would be until I had to do it myself. I heard others talk about it but I truly couldn't sympathize because I had not lived it. The cost of money, emotions, your time and every fiber of your being is far beyond anything anyone can understand so don't expect them to. I do it out of love and respect for my mom. She would never want to be the way she is and that makes me sad for her because she has lost all of herself, the woman she was. She didn't ask for this, no one would. She thinks I'm her sister or her mom a lot of the time. All I can try to do is treat her with respect and dignity so at the end of her days I will have no regrets. My mantra is "no regrets". I have learned a lot about myself on this journey. I've learned how to let go of my anger (and I had a LOT). I've learned how to be more patient and a little kinder and gentler and I am thankful for that. Maybe the reason is for me to learn these things about myself. I don't have much advice but know that there are thousands upon thousands of adult children caring for their elderly parents so you are not alone.

I'm 67 years old and taking care of my 94 year old mother who has diabetes and dementia. She refuses to take care of herself by skipping her diabetes medication I've told the doctors that but they can't "make" her take it if she doesn't want to. On top of that she attacks me for everything, calls me the "b" word and accuses me of stealing from her even though I am the one handling her finances because she doesn't even pay her bills anymore so I have to. We almost got our gas turned off until I found the overdue gas bill just in time. It's nerve racking. I bought her one of those pendants to wear when I'm not home so if she falls she can contact someone but she won't even wear that saying some insane thing like " It's the power of suggestion, if I do wear it I will fall " Crazy !! I've been told I can't put her in a facility as long as she is someways cognizant and she doesn't want to do something I can't make her. I'm slowly getting sick mentally and physically. Can't find any senior services who can help me.

I too am an only child and have been caring for my parents (83 & 84 respectively). Two years in October I moved back to take care of them for my peace of mind for they were still pretty mobile & active at the time but things were starting to happen - not answering the phone, using canes more, financial struggles, etc... I was depressed & didn't even realize it because I was working full time, going to as many appointments as I could with them and trying to manage two households financially. Moving back relieved the financial stress but I found myself getting very angry at them for not being able to complete tasks they always had been. I'd yell, storm out, cry and get very frustrated. I'm SO GRATEFUL that I realized what was happening to me before it got worse and elder abuse became a problem! I joined a caregiver group at my mom's chemotherapy center (stage IV colon) and that helped relive some of the stress. I also started walking several times a week which not only helped me clear my mind, but physically as I started losing weight. In January of this year my dad (3x per week dialysis patient, prostate cancer) fell and broke his hip, he's been in assisted living ever since and honestly, it's been a major help. While I go almost every day, I'd rather that than trying to figure out how to care for him at home (he is bedridden and would need 24 hour care AND he also has early on-set dementia which was happening before the fall). YES, I have stress thinking about if Medicaid is going to pay (still going through the paperwork maze) but his Medicare has been paying and thank God I have not gotten one bill from his center. Would I rather him home? Of course, but I'm realistic and know I truly could not do it. I never considered meds, probably in part because I've never honestly shared how overwhelmed I felt at times with my doctor.

I encourage you to try walking, it can do wonders. Also, do your best to eat better. I fully believe we are what we eat, scarfing down unhealthy stuff just adds to the depression, sadness and frustration. And, keep up with your appointments. I constantly hear, and its true, you can't care for someone else when you're not caring for yourself.  Cliche, yes; True? Absolutely.  

And for those who mention not feeling able to physically go to a caregiver group, after searching in my area I found one for dementia caregivers that has a weekly conference call (no leaving the house!) and they are working on getting video conferencing so folks can feel like they are in the room. Resources are there, we unfortunately have to really look for them (took me over a month to find the conference call group).

Finally, this forum has been so helpful to me. I'm not on everyday, but when I get notifications of interesting topics or, when I need information, there is a wealth here. Good Luck MsElaine, if nothing else the responses to your post show you are not alone. I hope you find some relief in knowing the forum is here and can support you.

Hi all!. I can understand how you feel MsElaine. I'm only child taking care of my mother (92) as well. After being in this country for 14 years by myself, she moved to live with me 5 years ago so we don't have other relatives here. Even worse she does not speak English and have serious health problems. She does not have medicare since never worked in this country and I pay her private insurance. I have to change careers in order to work from home and all my schedule goes around her needs. It's not an easy situation since this is not going to change for better, but for worse. This is her process and see how she is dying slowly everyday can be very depressing. I have some friends who would say "well, that is like taking care of kids, it's very demanding job". But what they don't realize is that with kids you are dealing with "future", with old people you actually are dealing with "death". Like you, I'm not up to taking drugs either. I use alternative methods to keep me balance: acupuncture, yoga, Chinese medicine, massage, exercise, spiritual healing, you name it! ... however, in the past 5 years I had times that not of those alternative ways have worked, and I had to decide to take antidepressant meditation for 6 months or until I get my second wind and able to be in control again. So my recommendation according with my experience is to be open to do whatever is needed to help you in the process. Remember, this is a temporary situation, everything pass, nothing is permanent. It's sad but not permanent. I even have myself a "bucket list" of things to do after this stage is over. That helps me to relieve the stress of my present situation and look forward for better times. Good luck and be strong. The Universe is not giving you nothing that you can not handle. I hope my comments helps in any way. Bye for now.

maria1959, very well stated re: "you're actually dealing with death" and it can be very depressing. You are so right, and when its a parent or spouse, sibling, it's very hard to comprehend at times or explain to folks who mean well.

MsElaine,

This is probably going to be the most challenging ordeal that you ever experience. At least is for me, personally. I moved away from my hometown 40 years ago and when my mom started having memory issues, my brother was there to help her. Unfortunately, my brother passed away 11 years ago and that left his wife to take care of her. A few years ago my mom fell and broke her wrist and ankle so she had to spend time in rehab. I took a leave of absence from work and came back to my home town to take care of my mom (my SIL was of some help, but not enough). I finally decided to take my mom home with me to VA and she stayed for 2 months before she started bugging me to go home.
I brought her home and stayed for a couple of weeks but then had to return to VA and my SIL told me she would take very good care of my mom. Well, after a couple of years, she started calling me every week (after my mom's condition worsened) and told me that I had to come back because she just couldn't take care of mom anymore. She had issues of her own, which I won't mention, but she borrowed a lot of money from my mom and has never paid it back. I put her off because I was pretty close to early retirement. I couldn't believe half of the stories that my SIL told about Mom! And what really got me going was the way she treated my mom. I called my mom every week and one time I heard my SIL in the back round, screaming at my mom. She told her that she had better straighten up, or I would put her in a nursing home!
A month after I was eligible for early retirement with SS benefits, I moved back home to take over my mom's care. My SIL would come over to "help" but ended up doing almost nothing but drink and get ornery with both of us. We were bickering all the time because she would tell my mom that I wasn't doing enough for her "like she was" and that I would probably put her into a home. What hog wash.
To make a long story even longer, my SIL had a slight stroke, and ended up moving to a different city to live with her son, and I haven't heard a word from her in two years.
Anyway, I am now my mom's sole caregiver and as her dementia increases my health decreases. I pay a private person to come into mom's home for lunch, but now it isn't enough so I am looking for another person to come in. My mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid and Medicare won't pay anything unless mom is physically disabled. I took mom took the doctor recently to try to rule out a UTI (she started acting even more bizarre) and she didn't have one. The doctor took one look at me and told me that it was time to start looking for a memory care unit for mom. I had kept a running journal of observations I had made on mom, which helped the doctor. Now I am working with a lawyer to try and protect some of my mom's assets and I am in the process of completing the admissions/financial forms so that I can get mom the help she needs and deserves. Do I feel overwhelmed, saddened, and angry? The answer is a definite yes. My friends have all stuck by me and I don't know what I'd do without them. I am on an anti-depressant that helps me some, but the doctor won't put me on anxiety meds because the "system" doesn't believe in them. The only time I can go out at night is when I can talk one of mom's friends into taking care of her (he's really good about it, but I hate to bother him too much) or if I go over to mom's and give her dinner before I go out. It puts a great strain on me but my friends seem to understand. The only other thing that keeps me going is that the company I worked for in VA has let me stay on PT to do things online from home.
I know that I have rambled on and on, but it helps me to write all this stuff out. I am very grateful that I found this site because of all the folks on this forum totally know what I (and you) are going through. Don't be afraid to keep venting on this site. No one will judge you. Hang in there and know that everyone on this site is pulling for you!

I must forewarn you that anger you feel will most likely lead to abuse. I know what I'm talking about because I survived 13 years of life threatening abuse at the hands of my drunken abusive parents. Everyone who is saying to take care of yourself is right

Have you talked to the local dept of aging about alternatives? Maybe a small group home ?? There does come a time when you simply can't do it yourself-- with my MIL one giant help was a visitnig nurse from hospice who came several times a week.

I started taking anti-depressants a few years ago after my dad died and it was just my mother. My dad was so easy to care for. My mother-not so much! I have 6 brothers (1 other passed away) and sometimes I feel like an only child because of their lack of help. There are really only 2 that help me in any way. Part of the problem if my mother just wants me ( the only girl) it's always been this way. So hard not to be resentful towards my brothers who are too busy to help or can't deal with their mother because she has no filter anymore. I'm tired! My point is, try the medication. It might help. You can always stop talking it! Good luck with your Mom

Prescribed antidepressants or anti-anxiety medicine are viable option because you are going through a difficult time. My doctor said would you begrudge someone with a broken leg crutches?! Well, you need crutches. As for the dating or going out, every area has an elder care center you can call for information. You didn't mention relatives who can pinch-hit or neighbors who might already the acquainted with your parent or you. My dad is 94 and diabetic. You are in no shape to date until you get yourself together so you need to find ways to get out even if it's to your garden which is what helped me enormously or a walk with your dogs if you have any. There are support lines you can call as I found a great one that calls on Monday night but it's a private group and I don't remember how you contact them but call the Alzheimer's Association. They are wonderful at giving you support and ideas. I dated some online prospects and had a great time sometimes so that's an option but again only once you are emotionally feeling positive. Keep an open mind and realize you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet the handsome prince as my mother used to say. I'm nearly 65 and still single but have gotten myself in shape as part of my preparation to start dating again but not online anymore as I prefer to go through friends and family and acquaintances. Good luck! The bottle is the last option. It won't help your parent and it will destroy your life. I speak as the child of an addict and alcoholic and a former spouse of one.

It has been over a year since I was in the same boat you are now in. I have a brother but he disconnected emotionally and was only concerned for his own welfare so was no help to me or Dad. So I was alone as you are now. It may help to know you are not the only person going through this. I refused to go the drug route and would simply get away from the sadness, depression and frustration by going to my room after making sure Dad had what he needed. Those years were the hardest I've ever endured. It was lonely. I was horrifically overworked, bone tired and sad almost all the time because I had to watch daily as my beloved father declined in every way. I think after your Mom dies, you will be glad you cared for her. Although it is extremely difficult and so very lonely, after it is all over, you will know in your heart that you did the right thing. You'll also miss her a great deal because you put so much of yourself and your life into caring for her. These feelings come with the territory and are something we accept when we accept the challenge. You are doing the right thing. Try to find something - even if it is for only 10 minutes - every day that you enjoy doing for yourself. When it comes to making arrangements while you are in the hospital, you might search out caregiving companies or even individuals who would come to the house to watch over her for those hours/days. You'll know that you've made arrangements for her care when you couldn't be there. The cost won't matter in the long run but the peace of mind will be golden. People who haven't gone through this don't have a clue as to what it means. Their comments of, "take care" are all they know to say. They mean well but they can't help but have no idea. You are right. Most people would never do what you have stepped up to do. Be proud of yourself that you are who you are. It counts and it matters.

That's a very good question....I am in the same situation with two elderly parents, one who has mid-stage dementia, and the other not handling getting older very easily. People tell ne the same thing, but they don't get it. I can't just can't abandon them, nor do I want to. But I miss my life. I get out some, but not enough. I'm still searching for answers too... take comfort in knowing many of us in the same boat....