My retired 70-year-old brother lives with his adult son, who works strange hours as a police officer. For various reasons we have concluded that he should not be left alone, including: wheelchair-bound, inability to bathe himself, inability to manage his meds, many chronic conditions and poorly-healed injuries, cognitive issues beyond the already-diagnosed mild memory impairment, and dependent sedentary lifestyle. Assisted living is more cost-effective (and probably better care) than a home care aide. The son is at wit’s end with the situation and wants his dad out of his condo. It would be better care for the dad, and peace of mind with less stress for the son. We have searched for and found a nice assisted living center that my brother’s limited resources can afford. We need a loving way of insisting that he make this move. It’s essentially a loving eviction. His only other option, if he refuses, is to find another living situation on his own, and he doesn’t have the wits or mobility to do so. He has an upcoming annual physical (his first in 2 years) and we have clued in the doctor about the various issues, and asked him to bring up assisted living before we discuss it further. I know this isn’t the ideal scenario for an assisted living discussion in which the loved one feels like he has some choice. It will be a difficult conversation. Any suggestions to make this talk less of a bitter pill for my brother?
Maybe you can use the words: I cannot lift you out of the wheelchair anymore, My job is asking me to be on call 24 hrs, My back is not good, My doctor told me to take it easy, I am tired.
Try not to use the words: You cannot take care of yourself, you are too much work, you cannot stay here any longer.
Try and stay positive about the place, mention the activities, great people that are there, let him in on the choosing of the facility.
He told us - and the social worker - in no uncertain terms that HE was still competent and HE had the last word and that he was going home. As Alva said, you cannot MAKE him do anything that he does not choose to do unless certain criteria are met, but you can make the choice they want uncomfortable or unachievable.
He was 100% correct- the choice was up to him. But we had a choice too. We did not have to facilitate that choice. And we said as much. That we as a family would no longer be providing his care and that if he chose to go home, he would need to hire 24/7 skilled nursing care or that he would be an unsafe discharge - because it was very clear that he was completely unable to take care of himself.
Once we took ourselves out of the equation - that severely limited HIS options. He either had to hire someone 24/7 to take care of him (which was out of his budget) or he had to agree to move to the SNF that we had found for him (a very nice place, that he could afford.) It was still his choice. He just didn't like his choices.
Many times if you take yourself (and anyone else) out of the equation that can facilitate/prop them up and be the solution and remove the roadblocks/impediments to them achieving exactly what THEY want - they are only left with what you want them to do anyway. But they are the ones that make the choice because they don't have any other option. BUT they aren't literally forced into it. Maybe figuratively, but I guess that's semantics at the end of the day.
Frankly, I'm surprised my FIL didn't hire someone for a brief period and then fire them and see what we did. But maybe he finally took us seriously.
I sure wish you luck. The only way is for the son to be honest with his father that he cannot live there anymore, and that if he has to legally evict him, Dad will be homeless or left to his own devices. The father is now a legal tenant whether he pays rent or not. An eviction attorney is the only way to legally remove him. That is the hard truth.
I sure wish you luck and I sure hope you'll update us.
Families can advise, encourage, or make ultimatums (seldom a good idea), but they cannot force a family member to move, hire help, or much of anything else.
For those who may be considering moving an elder into your home, be very aware that older people's symptoms will only get worse. If your elder loved one is stubborn and willful, that will not change when they move into your house, but your ability to say yes or no changes considerably.
Not everything is negotiable in our senior years when disease and dementia set in. I would think your brother can see the toll his health situation is taking on his son and want to remedy it asap. Let's hope, anyway. If not, a legal eviction will have to take place.
Best of luck to you.
You will be getting a needs assessment so we can find a facility that can give you the care you need and deserve.
We love you and know how hard this is but, we know how vital it is that it happens.
Repeat as needed.
Keep it simple, straightforward and honest. Don't argue. Just say "I can't"
Your brother can no longer make informed decisions about his care. Its not what he wants, its what he needs. I do hope someone has POA makes things easier. With my Mom she was probably stage 5 out of 7. We told her she was going to a nice apartment and was going to make new friends. Had no problem with her and she acclimated well. Yes, I was lucky.
Has this AL evaluated ur brother? Usually when Dementia is involved, Memory care is recommended.
This can be repeated until it’s ‘normal’. Worth thinking about this, or another option along the same lines.
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