Torn with care of father. How do you ask your sibling, who resides nine hours away, to assist you in caring for our father?
My 85 yr old father has been admitted to rehab every two years since 2015.
The first was after a stroke and the others for falls. He has resided with me after the fall prior to this current one. Almost two years to be exact.
Although He is well aware of his limitations and medical devices are in place to assist as well as family.
Falls still occur because he is stubborn and or wanting not to be a burden.
My question is how do you ask your sibling, who resides nine hours away to assist you in caring for our father?
What I would like to happen is for my sibling to take on some of the responsibility of caring for our dad in their home.
I am torn ,because a year ago their spouse passed.
Prior to that many years were spent being the spouse caregiver. As well as how traveling would affect our father.
My sibling would get to spend whatever time my dad has left caring for him.
My sibling hasn't seen our father in almost six years mainly due to what I mentioned prior.
In addition to my sibling, other family is close by such as adult grandchildren and adult great grandchildren.
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I would be honest and tell him/her that it is just more then you can handle and you want their help in convincing dad to go into a facility.
That is the only help I would ask for.
With her experience of taking care of her husband until his death, she has experience with all of this and may have some suggestions for dads care. She will certainly understand your burnout.
I suggest you make a list of all the things you are doing for your Dad. Then go through the list and decide which items your sibling might be able to do long distance. Call sib answer ask him/her for help, read the list and ask which tasks he/she is willing to do. And be ready with specifics about what you expect and need.
After caring for my Mom for 2 years in my home, then an AL, then LTC, I said at the age of 68 I was not physically caring for anyone else unless it was my spouse.
Like said, OP can ask but don't be surprised when the answer is No. I think if things are getting to much, then place Dad. It isn't fair that one child has to take on all the care. But, its rare that a family all pitch in.
I think it's time you have a candid discussion with your sibling about your father's longterm care needs. What is your sibling willing to do? You may not like the answer if it's anything short of agreeing to give you respite from being his full-time caregiver.
His needs are only going to increase. Better to figure out a plan now before you burnout. What can your father afford? Is there a senior living community nearby where he can live?
Is it possible for dad to be placed in the same facility?
If caring for him is getting to be more than you can do yourself there are options.
Placing him in a facility. Hiring caregivers. Ideally dad's assets would be used to pay for caregivers. If that is not possible having your siblings split the cost would be fair.
Is dad a Veteran? If so the VA may have programs that can help.
Is dad eligible for Hospice? If so you would have help several times a week and can request a Volunteer to sit with him while you get things done.
You can ask siblings to help out. Those that live a distance can come and stay and you take off for a few days. Or if it is not to confusing bring dad to them for a visit.
You can ASK for help but you can not FORCE someone to help.
As you spend dads assets for caregivers it might dawn on siblings that if there is the possibility of an inheritance in order to preserve that they need to pitch in.
I think you should most certainly speak to your sibling and ask what they can offer for respite care to give you breaks. Also reach out the the other family and ask if any of them can commit to once a month visits to allow you a few hours here and there. You may not get any answers that fit your ideal - but I do believe you have a right to ask them - not only if they care about him but also if they care about you.
I think from there you will have some answers - then will be able to look into other things such as adult day cares - in home aides or even if you decided to find him an assisted living locally.
Your sibling may offer to share in the care more or not but at least you will have the answers to then figure out a better way for all of you. Best of luck. 🌷
"Did you want to take in Dad to look after?"
As sibling lives 9 hours away, has not offered to be a hands-on carer & travel is very hard for your Father anyway - I think you can already guess the answer... but you never know until you ask. Maybe sibling thought you wanted to do it all? Or wanted to help but just couldn't before & now can? Or maybe had no intention or ability to help then, now or ever.
Best to know where you stand.
Or is your question less about how to ask, but how to make your sibling step up?
This is very common I am afraid & a valid thought. But doesn't seem to ever work.
You know how tough it is to be a caregiver. I am sure that you are aware that your sibling isn’t going to volunteer to help. You don’t have a right to expect help from them. Yes, it stinks doing it alone. I did it alone too. Let it go.
Hire a caregiver with your parent’s money or look into placement for them.
I know that my answer is short and simple but nothing more needs to be said.
Best wishes to you and your family.
I think that it is time to recognize that you are close to your limitations. At 79 I can guarantee you that your father is not falling because he is stubborn, but because his balance is poor, and he is more infirm. Would you want him to call you for every single move he makes? Would that not increase your burdens exponentially? The truth is that this is not going to change nor get better as well.
Placement may be the only answer. I am not saying it is a good answer, because you are well out of range now of any "fix its" that will make everything "good". The end of life, the stages of it, are not happy times. You have done your best; do consider now how much more time you can sacrifice of your own life going forward. Your Dad has HAD his own life. This is your one and only.
I wish you luck in making decisions going forward. If you think you could benefit from a bit of counseling to comb through your choices then do consider a Licensed Social Worker specially trained in life transition work. A few hours can often be of great value in acceptance and planning.
You sound like this is a privilege. I think your sibling is well aware what is involved in caring for someone. I think they need to be able to get their life together before taking on caring for someone else who could live another 10 years. I don't think grandchildren should be expected to care for a grandparent either when a child/children are available.
Ask your sibling to come and care for Dad while you go on vacation, no problem.
Try Adult Daycare using Dad's money. I had my Mom in 3 days a week. They supplied transportation, breakfast and lunch. Even bathed her for me.
If he has money, maybe he would enjoy living in an Assisted Living. He would have socialization and activities and not be a "burden".
Hire someone, with Dads money, for a few hours a week or day so you can get away.
I really understand where ur coming from. But at this point it looks like your it. And many of the members are in the same boat ur.
Maybe if you just put it as a respite for a limited number of days you'll have some luck. At least she'll be able to see what he's like and later if you talk, she'll know what caring for him on a longer basis would be like. However, she's done her duty with her spouse so she may be very intentionally not offering. Anyway, you can't force it but you can tell her that if she can't help, then you need to place him somewhere else because you need a break.
Good luck.