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I'm confused along with lealonnie1, as I just answered your other post where you said that he was in so much pain and sleeping a lot, and that you were down because he was drifting away. How does that go along with him looking so well?
You have 2 other posts up right now each saying this:
My husband was aggressive at home & I was his carer.
He was admitted into a NH, last year because he could no longer look after himself. Then this year he had to be removed & admitted into a secure dementia facility because of his aggression. He can’t walk much anymore & spends most of his time in bed. Even sitting up hurts him & all he wants to do is sleep. I am just down at the moment because he is drifting away from me.
******************************
So your current question doesn't make sense to me. Your DH was placed in a dementia facility for aggressive behavior, and spends most of his time in bed due to pain, you say. Then you say "he looks so well" but obviously he isn't, based on the previous statement. He's where he belongs. All you can do is go visit him as you are able. Looks are deceiving. A man who's in such pain that he's in bed most of the time is not well at all and best off in managed care where teams of carers can look after him 24/7.
You are not responsible for his illness and have no reason to feel guilty. Grief stricken, yes, and for that I am so sorry.
Sorry that you are feeling guilty. I'm sure you know that looking well does mean that he is well. I'm also sure that there is a lot going on with him if he is put into a nursing home. If you were providing a LOT of care and were burnt out because it was just too much, then that's OK. We are not required to give up our lives, health and sanity to care for our spouses or parents. We do our best and at whatever point it is too much for us to handle, then we need to find a new solution.
Please forgive yourself and do not let guilt consume you. Do some things you enjoy and get some well deserved R&R.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
My husband was aggressive at home & I was his carer.
He was admitted into a NH, last year because he could no longer look after himself. Then this year he had to be removed & admitted into a secure dementia facility because of his aggression. He can’t walk much anymore & spends most of his time in bed. Even sitting up hurts him & all he wants to do is sleep. I am just down at the moment because he is drifting away from me.
******************************
So your current question doesn't make sense to me. Your DH was placed in a dementia facility for aggressive behavior, and spends most of his time in bed due to pain, you say. Then you say "he looks so well" but obviously he isn't, based on the previous statement. He's where he belongs. All you can do is go visit him as you are able. Looks are deceiving. A man who's in such pain that he's in bed most of the time is not well at all and best off in managed care where teams of carers can look after him 24/7.
You are not responsible for his illness and have no reason to feel guilty. Grief stricken, yes, and for that I am so sorry.
Wishing you peace in this difficult time
Please forgive yourself and do not let guilt consume you. Do some things you enjoy and get some well deserved R&R.