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Thank you for caring enough about your mom to find the place that was best for her, you and your family. I’m dealing with a 14 year younger sister, who thinks she can do it all, as she never left our mom and dad’s home, they deteriorated, due to lifestyle choices, and she’s been in charge, for years. She cannot do it all, but will not allow anyone to help. It is maddening. I will not write a book, but will say instead, if I was your family, I would be congratulating you. Ignore what others have to say, as they have not been in your shoes. And kudos to your mom, for accepting her new home. That takes guts, and I hope her circle of friends grows, and you two can enjoy each other, for many more years.
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Reply to Odaat59
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You should be applauded for all you’ve done for your mom. Stay on this forum for the support you need from those of us who’ve walked a similar path. Those who have never had to do this do not understand the gut wrenching decisions, sleepless nights, sacrifices and unbelievable time involved in all you’ve done and will continue to do.

I care for my 90 year old mother and 92 year old father. I’ve moved them from their forever home to independent living in 2 different states then to assisted living for dad and memory care for mom - downsizing each time and dealing with all the paperwork/financials involved. But the hardest thing i ever did was having to make the decision to separate them. It killed me and I cried for a month.

There are more changes and hard times for each of us as our love ones continue to age. But we know we are doing our best, they are safe and we will continue to educate ourselves on what is best for them and our families.

Stay strong - we’ve got you. And I hope you get some you time in your “happy garden”.
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Reply to Mmccontex
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We had to move my 90 year old father into an assisted living facility under circumstances very similar to those you mention existed with your mother. It was a difficult but necessary decision since even with help coming in he had several falling incidents and it was no longer safe for him to live alone. We made the transition slowly to help him adjust. First we brought him to have lunch there and then home for dinner and sleep. I stayed with him 24/7 at that point for a month. Then we got a bed and comfortable lift chair for his room as he generally liked to nap after lunch. Then he started staying for lunch and dinner and then we brought him home to sleep. Finally he said he was ready to spend the night and was not thrilled to be there for the first couple of months saying that you work hard all your life for a nice home and then you end up here. I countered with at least you can afford to be in a nice place where you are safe and treated well. He came to realize that and now I feel confident that we made the right decision. The staff calls me with any concerns - he did have one fall while he was there. If I notice he seems off when we speak, I call them and they address it. Sadly, he has deteriorated cognitively and physically since we moved him there but that would have happened anyway. The decline seems to come in spurts. It hurts my heart but we know he is safer there and caretaking is very difficult - emotionally and physically. I'm 70 and I worry about who will make sure my husband and I get into a safe place as we age since we have no children. Ignore the people who just don't understand how difficult it is to care for someone at home. Those who have no options have a very difficult job but they should not criticize others who choose an alternative.
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Reply to SadBigSister
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You need new people in your life. To those who would say "I would never do that" remind them to never say "never". Then just turn your back and shake the dust from your sandals. They are fools.
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Reply to MaryKathleen
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MaryKathleen Sep 1, 2024
My oldest daughter tried to keep her father (my ex) with her It was impossible . I told her rather than say she was putting him in a "home", to say she found him a great apartment in town. The places are studio apartments in reality.
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Are you looking for support for yourself b/c you feel guilty for not moving your mothier into your own house? It sounds like you and your mother not only made the wisest choice, but that her story is one of the positive ones about Assisted Living facilities. You and your mother have chosen well. You do not need the approval of others to justify your mother's living arrangement. You need to believe in it yourself so you do not feel so defensive.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie
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I'd never be judgmental to a person who had to put a LO in a care facility. Keeping someone at home isn't always what's best for them. I say this because I did homecare for 25 years. I knew a lot of seniors who had miserable, lonely lives by themselves in their own homes or living with one of their adult children. Many times their caregivers were the only people they saw. A lot of those seniors had dementia and were living dangerously at home.

Assisted living isn't just for people with dementia. I was a staff supervisor at a very nice AL residence. Many of our residents still drove and had active lives. They were just too old to live alone and to keep up with the demands of owning a home.

The people who criticize others for placing their loved one in care are usually people who were never had to be caregivers for an elderly or disabled person. So they don't know what they're talking about and should really shut up until they've had some experience with it.

It's not a One-size-Fits-All kind of thing. Every case is different. Keeping a senior home or moving them into your house isn't necessarily what's right for everyone.

You did good. Don't let anyone guilt-trip you into believing otherwise.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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XenaJada Sep 1, 2024
I know more than one person who has made the statement “i would NEVER put my parent in a home” only to EAT their words later.
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Do what is right for her situation.

Everybody is judged by whatever choice they make for helping family members: caring for them at home, getting home health care, placing them into long term residential care... Get used to it. People should be more caring, but most don't understand because they don't know what you are going through. Good for you for being involved in your mom's life and making sure she safe and healthy.
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Reply to Taarna
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Here is a section from which deals with the stigma of nursing home placement, but still on the same subject when it comes to not being able to care for our loved one at home. I hope this helps.

Facing the Guilt and Shame Afterwards
After five years of caring for my mother at home, I put her in a nursing facility. It was a hard decision, but I just didn’t have the strength to continue caring for her at home. There was a lot of conflict with my dad, who could not tolerate my mom’s behavioral changes. And I have two young children that need my attention. Still, I can’t help but feel guilty, and our relatives are only too happy to pile on.
Shortly after placing your loved one in a nursing home, you will likely struggle with the decision you have made. Did I do the right thing? Did I abandon my mother? Was this the best decision? Should I have given it more time to sort itself out? Was there something else I could have done instead?

There will be a lot of guilt and doubt, and you should be mentally prepared for it. Do not second-guess your decision. Remind yourself that you made the decision with the best interests of your loved one at heart, and that sometimes placement in a nursing home is the best option for the patient as well as their caregiver. Feeling guilty and ashamed is natural, but you should not let it take over your thoughts.
Another reason why you should rein in feelings of guilt and shame is that you’ll probably get enough of it from some relatives. Sometimes, people who lack intimate knowledge of your situation will criticize your decisions. Remember that this was and remains a family decision, and relatives and acquaintances have no right to interfere.

Caring for the Long Haul
Nursing home placement is the start of a new chapter in the care process. Your caregiving role and responsibilities do not end; they just take on a new form. With the nursing home now providing ongoing and professional care for your loved one, you get a chance to spend more quality time with them.
You are now your loved one’s advocate at the care facility and must continue to oversee their care and tend to their affairs. You may visit your loved one regularly, walk with them on the nursing home grounds, and help them eat. You’ll need to stay informed about their condition, behavioral changes, medications, exercise, leisure and recreation, and every other element of their care.
Many caregivers go to the nursing home every day. They feed their loved one themselves, walk with them or push their wheelchair, and participate in group activities with them. They keep a vigilant eye on how their loved one is being cared for at the residence, and make sure their rights and wishes are fully respected.

Dealing With Critics
A few days after placing my mom in a residence, a distant relative called. This was the second time in as many years she had called to ask about my mom. “Where’s your mom?” she asked. I told her we had placed her in a care facility because caring for her at home had become impossible. She started crying, and said, “Why did you abandon her?” I tried to explain, but she abruptly said goodbye and hung up.
In the course of caring for a loved one with dementia, you will come across people who are unable to look past how they feel to grasp the reality that you and your loved one face day in and day out. A person whose reaction is entirely self-focused is unable to see what you need, and wholly incapable of providing any meaningful help or support.
When you care for a loved one with dementia, it is painfully obvious how their awareness of the world around them is shrinking, as if a light illuminating their surrounding is dimming a little more each day. Dementia brings home the fact that our awareness has limits. We live inside our own bubbles, limited by our light and how far it shines. And sometimes, it doesn’t shine very far.
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Reply to Samad1
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When it comes to caregiving, caregivers (should) do what they can - not what they can’t. Every caregiver has to figure out what that is - based on their abilities, resources, and experiences. I witnessed very poor care at two rehab nursing home facilities (one a five star) that each of my parents were in, so between that and other similar stories I have heard from experienced aides, I have a dim view of institutional “care.” So my mother has been with me for four years and I am making it work - for now. But that was during COVID, and I have an open enough mind to know there have to be some quality facilities out there - just few and far between. The closest and most convenient facility to my house has never earned anything close to a five star
rating from Medicare. Would I use them?
You bet I would if I had to. I would take the convenience of them being close enough for me to check on her care over driving an hour to a facility where I could not easily keep up with overseeing her care. I would make sure the staff and management know that I am serious about proper hygiene, nutrition and signs of neglect. If I had to make this decision would I feel guilt or shame from the opinions of others? Not for one hot minute! Especially if it was coming from outsiders who have no clue. The point is only you can decide what care you can provide and where. If someone else thinks they can do better - have at it. Otherwise keep your unwanted opinions to yourself.
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Reply to jemfleming
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You seem to have thought the move through thoroughly. Now, you are coping with an aspect of your personality which places a lot of importance on the opinions of people who don't have all the information. Some support for your own tendency to be wounded might be helpful. Counseling, your minister, a support group. If these resources are not available in your area, there are numerous online options. For myself, I'd be a smart ass and ask if the questioner would like to assume responsibility. I'm guessing that these folks have not actually been tested by caring for an aging relative.
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Reply to Connie2020
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Kudos to you for making extremely difficult decisions. Even though your mom is now in a care facility, all of us on AC Forum know your work and your worry have not ended. Confide in the friends and family (& AC community) that DO support you and ignore the snarky comments from those that make you feel judged. Over time, you just might find that the people who were once critical of you are suddenly seeking your advice as they themselves move into the caregiver roll.
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Reply to HonorAble
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OP here! Thank you so much for the support, encouragement, and perspective. I haven’t been able to reply because I’m just on the other side of a medical crisis with my son (he’s okay) and way behind on everything. I read every comment and I so appreciate the advice. I think part of why it’s been hard for me is that I’m in my early 40s and the first of my friends/peers to go through this. I do need to let go of others’ opinions, stop trying to explain, and just remind myself of what I know is true - that Mom is safe and well cared for. And we are so lucky that she had the retirement savings to make assisted living an option!
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Reply to HappyGarden
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HonorAble Sep 3, 2024
Thanks for the follow up and glad your son is okay.
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