Sigh...in my profession, I expect this. I've seen it happen to patients. Today it happened to me.
For the past few days I have taken my mom on a trip to see a neurologist. I was with her every step of the way. When we came back I naturally went to back to work. Back to my on-call schedule.
Today I finished work early and went to visit my parents; as soon as my mom got up she gave me a long tirade about how "she and dad went to the city today and I wasn't there to help them move about, I am the most ungrateful of all her sons, both her sons help out more than I do (yes...despite the fact that for 2 years straight I was her caretaker b4 I moved out)...now she says I am never there, I put my fiancee over her and I ignore her, how she is going to remove me from her will, and curse my name upon her death bed, unless I move back in with them immediately."
...all this being said...whilst I am in their house, doing the dishes...helping out. PS..she has Parkinson's obviously this has dementia as well.
sigh...I know I've warned patients about this but it is still dang hard when it hits you.
And of course my brothers' are no help, because all they say is "I must balance my time more." I'm sorry but I have no intention of sleeping at my parents' house again. I know my mother's condition is going downhill and no amount of time I spend will be enough for her. I have my own life to live. My parent's didn't raise me to be their caretaker for the rest of my life.
PS..she has recently developed urinary incontinence...(I mean..yea sure...EVERY symptom in the textbook is showing up and lightning pace..I shouldn't be surprised at this last one)
PPS did I also mention that they refuse to get a caretaker...but expect me to always make the time (despite the fact that I am engaged)...as far as they are concerned unless I am literally married or my fiance is pregnant...I must always have time for them.
They never put this sort of pressure on my brother's because "they have wives and children" ...God I hate that statement so much! It's like my personal life doesn't matter! It's like saying as long as my fiance isn't my wife yet, then she is an option to be easily cast aside.
Great points! Love your opening statement about mom expecting her to jump. They would love nothing more than hearing a response of, “how high?” It seems like it will never be high enough for them. Throw in a few hoops too that they want people to jump through as well, right?
Give up. None of us have magical powers to change someone’s attitude. Where is that magic wand when we need one, huh?
Sometimes we get so caught up in wanting a ‘happy’ ending that we become delusional. I know I did. I was totally blind to reality. It isn’t until we walk away or they leave that it all starts to sink in just how irrational it was. Don’t let it get that far. I regret that. We can’t turn back the hands of time and get that wasted time back.
I wish you well. Do what you need to do for yourself. Let the chips fall where they may and find peace in your heart.
You have spoiled them, and your mother is jealous of your relationship and angry that you are spreading your wings and learning how to fly, just as an adult should do.
Good Luck!
Finally don't let your siblings guilt you, you have paid your dues.
I agree with BarbBrooklyn. You can't save people from themselves. Allow your folks to fail and they'll have to find alternative placement where they can be cared for by others in Assisted Living.
Best of luck!
Is this happening every time, or only when she's stressed or having a "bad" day?
What's the plan for when your parents need more structured support? I'm just wondering if it might be possible to hurry it up a bit, I suppose...
I am so sorry. I can only say you luckily know more than many do. But logic versus feelings is a tough one.
You will learn to distance yourself and you will have to do it to save yourself and what can be saved of the relationship.
One funny thing was someone on the forum the other day saying her Mom had always been vicious,and now when she is sweet and kind it is the "disease talking" our platitude about all those good and kind who go into meanness with their dementia.
Take heart. You aren't alone.
My parents NEVER complain about my brothers. They always make the excuse for my brothers that "they have their own family"
If your parents aren't cooperative, you have NO right to intervene.
Step back and let them fail. That is the ONLY way that they will get the help they need.
It sounds cruel and awful. But when elders are their own worst enemies, it's the only sane thing to do.