How do you figure out what it costs to have your parent(s) live with you?
My parents currently live with my husband and me. My dad has lived with us for 4 1/2 years and my mother has lived with us for 14 months. After my dad was living with us for about 3 years, I asked my mother to start giving us $100 per month. Then when she moved in, I told her she needed to give us more. Now they give us $200/month. I use their debit card to purchase things that only they use, but we pay for everything else. They do not feel they cost us any more than the $200/month they give us. I figured out all our household expenses (gas, electric, water, property taxes, homeowners insurance, food, etc.) and figured out that each person in the household costs $561.50. I want my parents to start giving us $1100/month. They feel that is excessive and don't want to give it to us. They still have their house - my mother goes there every day to pay her bills, go through paperwork, eat lunch and nap. She does not want to empty it and sell it. Their income is $3300/month - 2 social security checks and a tiny pension check. My husband is retired and only has social security. He does work a part-time job delivering pizzas. He is home with my parents all day. I work full-time but don't make a ton of money. After caring for them for all this time with such little compensation, we are really struggling financially, not to mention emotionally. There is no way they could live in an AL facility for $1100/month and get the kind of care they get living with us. Are we unreasonable to want them to give us more money?
You might want to look at a compromise. ‘Marginal cost’ (just the extra power bills etc) is not a good idea – all that extra stress for nothing. Full ‘share’ cost seems a lot to them, mostly because they are still meeting fixed costs for their own house. They are probably pointing out that if they decide to leave, you will be out of pocket because you still have to pay the fixed costs without getting their share. However they are getting very little value from their own house – something like having their cake and eating it too. You can reasonably say that if they want to ‘waste’ money on an extra house, that is their problem and they should pay for it themselves.
The other complicating factor is the care services you are providing. You haven’t given any details, but you need to put a figure on them separate from rent. Cooking? Shopping? Laundry? Transport? See if you can break down the local AL charge between apartment rent and service charge. That gets added onto your compromise rent.
This is a bargaining situation. You need to work out what charge will make it worthwhile putting up with the stress. They need to work out whether they are willing to pay the charge you want. Good luck!
They are moochers, I live with my son and his wife, have my own space, am independent except for transporting to doctors. They are loving and concerned. I give my total so check to my son, ( 1400) a month, he gives me a
generous allowance with a debit card of my own.
I am so grateful, it’s time for a reality check, why are they still using their home? Taxes, utilities, no way!
The stress you are enduring is not worth taking care of parents that are not grateful and at least paying their own way, never mind using your frugal means to pad their income.
This is not a matter of abuse on your side, they are abusing you. You need intervention to explain the situation to them. Good luck!
Yes, parents should be paying something but Mom is still paying taxes and upkeep on her house. So I think 1000 is a little steep. Actually, Mom got away cheap at 100 a month.
And that doesn't even touch on the free labor you are undoubtedly providing.
Have them figure out what it would cost to go back and live in their own home and hire help from an agency to come in and do what they need.
It's your house. It's your choice if you want to make a gift of your time and your space. Decide what you would like to have happen, (do you want them to pay more? if so, definitely get this in a legal agreement! do you want them to move out?) then call a family meeting and make a plan.
After all... you could just put your house up for sale and MOVE. Then what would they do?
Accept the burden of the new bathroom, rent the basement out for a year to recoup your expenses. You can only be a good daughter for so long without it affecting your own health. It seems like your Mum is used to getting what she wants when she wants it. But you have your own life and family to think of and put first at this point. You can still be a good daughter from afar.
No wonder no one can deal with mom, she is a classic narcissist and you do not have to give them a relatively free place to live.
Forget about getting paid, get them out, she will only get worse and if it's hard now imagine her believing that she is the mistress of your house.
So, in home care, they pay for and you visit when you choose.
You are a grown woman and the time of her telling you how to live your life has long since passed. Get her out, should be easy, load everything up when she goes home for the day and make a delivery while someone is at your house re-keying locks.
Sometimes dealing with this type of person it requires extreme measures and it sounds like you are there.
If my understanding is correct, perhaps you need to explain to your mother that you and your husband are now faced with a difficult financial decision. You may need to decide to sell your home and find something less expensive just for the two of you. Another option would be for your parents to contribute their share of the total living expenses. This way you are making adult financial decisions and not asking for a bail out. Give them a deadline, they would need to be out before the house goes on the market.
Your mother is not going to give you more money just because you ask.
Forget about the facts and figures.
You can charge whatever you like just like she can pay whatever she likes if you are willing to put up with it.
So far she wins because you put up with it.
You have not given her a compelling reason to give you more money.
For her, a compelling reason is because she HAS to give you money or else something worse will happen. Something will cost her more.
Something like you are going to move or you are going to evict her/them. Some threat that is here and now.
She is saving her money for her old age. For when she has worked you and your husband into the ground and wants to make sure she can still take care of herself.
Since you mention that she goes home and pays her bills, I assume that means that dad has never in the near five years, changed his address?
I suppose that their SS checks and pension (whose pension is it anyway? ) are directly deposited into an account where the statement goes to next door?
Could you even prove (on paper) that they live with you?
On paper it probably looks like she’s a very nice mother who gives you $200 each month out of the kindness of her heart.
I think you need an attorney.
Your mother holds all the cards. If she were giving you the money you requested, without a legal document, it would look like gifting. Gifting could keep them from being eligible for Medicaid. They will have an event that requires greater care. The proper documents could protect you and them.
And they can pay for the attorney.
They go home, you don’t need an attorney. They are the ones with the problem. They are the ones asking for help and deciding what your time is worth. What your life is worth.
You and your husband are the ones allowing it to happen.
Are you on the bank account? Are you in the will? Do you have a financial or medical POA for either of them? What visible signs do you have to show that she values your and your family’s sacrifice?
Personally I wouldn’t want her to sell her house. I would want her in it.
Robin. The tail is wagging the dog. Your parents need help. This is their responsibility. Not yours. Why else would they be living in your home if theirs sits next door?! They must pay their own way.
I’m just being silly here but what if you just went to her house each evening? Ate her food, took your bath, did your laundry, watched a little tv and went to bed? Less crowded over there. A little quieter. Next morning get up and have breakfast for one or you could invite hubby over. Oh and be sure to let her know that you are out of eggs so she can pick some up for you.
If you go this way, you need to draw up a rent agreement. Have it signed and notarized. This is in case Medicaid is needed. They will look at that money as a gift and penalize the parent needing care. If Mom sells the house, that money can only be used for her and Dad. Same reason, Medicaid will look at anything else as a gift.
See All Answers