My father died 2 days ago. It was a rapid decline after a fall at 89 years old (he had been on palliative hospice care for a few months). He fell Saturday night and his mobility was already a big issue. We kept telling him he had to stay in bed as his legs would no longer support him. When he fell he tore a large wound in his arm from wrist to elbow. When the nurse came Sunday to look at his wound and help redress it, they determined he should stop taking some of his meds as they were doing g more harm than good, mainly the blood thinner as it was causing him to bleed too much from the wound. He ate a good dinner Sunday night and by Monday morning he was losing his lucidity and was mostly sleeping. He managed to tell us he loved us on Monday and was aware we were there. Tuesday morning he was really out of it. They had increased his comfort meds a good bit as he was experiencing what they called terminal agitation. The nurse further reduced unnecessary meds as he was not able to swallow. Tuesday morning he managed to say “hurt”, “sick” and “don’t feel good” when we would try to talk to him. those were the last words he spoke. By noon that day he was completely unconscious, not even aware when I would give him his pain meds and Valium. By 2:00 his breathing became very erratic. Nurse came at 3 and we both noticed he was needing to be suctioned from his mouth as he kept getting this white frothy liquid. We suctioned and it would come right back. From that point on it was quick and he took his last breath at 4:22, pronounced at 4:24. I cannot get his last words out of my head and the visions of his last breath literally haunt me. I know it’s only been 2 days but just when I can feel a little normal I am back to having such horrible anxiety hearing those words and seeing that last breath. It makes me feel physically I’ll. How long does this awful feeling last? It’s so painful.
After my grandmother’s passing, I made a slideshow. The hours of looking through old photos, sifting through all the memories kind of repressed the not-so-nice way she died (she was in a lot of pain and distress, begging for us to kill her).
Try to focus on the good times you shared. They won’t make you feel less sad, but they aren’t as haunting.
HUGS, and I’m sorry for your loss.
My mother died this part July, and she went from looking like my mother to looking exactly like her father in just three days. I never would have said she looked like her dad, as he was very angular and Mom was chubby-cheeked and round. However, she, too, became gaunt and looked so much like a man I would never have recognized her if I didn't watch it happen before my eyes.
Within a month after their deaths, I couldn't bring up those images in my mind. All I can remember are the darling people my parents were with big smiles on their faces.
Honestly, I think Nature changes our loved ones' looks at the end precisely because that's a short-term image and we won't remember it for long -- we didn't ree them looking like that long enough for that picture to imprint in our mind.
Have faith that this image will fade quickly, and your mind will be filled with the enduring memories of your dad in happier times.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
My husband's dying process took 6 long weeks, with him not eating for 41 days and not drinking for about 25 days. And he was in great pain pretty much the whole time, that hospice could not get under control, and I was the one who was with him 24/7. It was horrific to witness, and so heartbreaking for me. I honestly felt like I was suffering from PTSD after his death.
My husband died Sept. 2020, and it took me a very long time to get those images out of my mind. They occasionally try to sneak in, but I stop them and replace them with a sweeter mind picture of my husband, and that seems to work quite well.
So give yourself some time. Allow yourself time to grieve the father you loved, and in time those haunting pictures in your mind will be replaced with more happy ones.
I pray for God's comfort and peace to cover you in the days, weeks and months ahead.
Your grief is still so raw and this will take time.
I agree with many here - going through old albums - bring back so many memories that can help replace the harder days. There are far more beautiful memories than sad ones. Even putting together the memorial and grieving with others (hearing their stories of your loved one) will help.
The biggest hug - and prayers for peace and comfort for you and your family.
IT WILL GET BETTER.
Now I remember it on occasion but I mostly remember all the good memories.
Be gentle with yourself. It helped me to take moments to focus on the here and now - walk outside and focus on the sounds of nature, focus on the warmth of a hot cup of coffee/tea, savor the taste of something, feel warm water running down your back in the shower, do some moderately difficult exercise that makes you focus.
Plan these activities each day - it will give your mind a break.
I also bought a weighted blanket and used it to help me relax and sleep. It helps calm the nervous system.
Sending you so much love and praying for peace. Each day will get a little bit better.
My sincere condolences. I lost mom 10-15-2021. I was fortunate enough to keep my promise and keep her home until the end.
AND the end was not pretty. What I do is not dwell on it because, when I do, I go to dark places. My faith has helped me through this.
Hospice came in and I replied on God to speak through them. They had similar advice and I did not have to make those tough decisions.
I look back at the fun times we had and I hope that you can too. He is no longer suffering.
Again, my condolences
And think of the good and special moments of saying I Love You and him bring able to understand.
I had my sister stay with me the last 3 months of her life and she was in a lot of pain and once she passed I cried for weeks but even tho I was missing her, I knew it was good that she wasn't feeling any more pain.
But, everything reminded me of her.
It will get better with time, lots of time.
Keep happy thoughts and know someday ya'll will meet again in Heaven.
Prayers
Prayers
It will get better overtime. And please know that in his heart he knows you love him and cared for him. Take comfort in that he was also able to express his love to you all and that he was aware you all were there for him. He's in a better place and no longer in pain.
she past away Christmas Day last year and while it still hurts and I miss her, she is in heaven with her Lord and Savior and is while again. I will see her again and all my comfort is in that.
We are in circumstances and places for a reason. We must do our best in them and take away the good and learn from each of these. The times spent with her, the care, the tough decisions, the hard times when she was combative, the times she just wanted to listen to us and see us…all of it comes back to mind. Some things I remember so fondly, other times were so frustrating and painful to see but I can now even laugh at some of those.
Although hard to believe, it will get better and easier. You will find one day that you can talk about something and not cry, you will be able to share memories with enjoyment instead of sorrow.
cry when you need to, talk through what you need to and look forward to better days-they are coming.
When the images come into your mind replace them with thoughts of a good memory. Take the time to sit and write them down, in detail. This will put them fresh in your mind. If you have a picture associated with that memory paper clip it to your writing.
Remember to dwell in a good memories and that he no longer is in pain and wishes you no pain.
with love and light
Start focusing on all your loving memories of this man who occupied a big part of your life. Also consider joining a grief group like GriefShare to help you through the process of grieving. All the members is a grief group are either recovering from the death of a loved one or have already come to terms with a loved one's passing. They are your best resources in the time ahead.
Others, like me, it can take a long time. It is best to cry it out. That is the best healer. Some need a shoulder to cry on, others, like me need to do it in solitude.
This may sound confusing but it is true. When I was a teenager someone close to me died every year for eight years. It is tough.
Why not give it to Jesus. He knows only too well what it feels like to experience a loved one pass on ( Lazarus )
I thought I'd never get my mom's last days out of my head but eventually it became less and less. Now my brain won't let me go there. Instead I try to replace those sad memories with thanksgiving that she is in a better place where there is no pain.
You'll get there! HUGS
This is horrible....and grief, shock, hurt, pain, all of it will be your new normal for some time....I strongly suggest you get yourself into a grief support from asap....Hospice usually offers excellent support during bereavement times in our lives.
I was present during the passing of my dear, sweet mother. She was everything to me, and I cannot live without her. And, yet, here I am, almost 4 years later. My reason for still being here in this world is Christ the Lord. If I wasn't saved by Him, I would have ended my miserable life....but, when one repents, turns away, from their sins, and put their 100% trust in Jesus Christ, there is a change, ok.
So, being a Christian I no longer belong to myself...but, I am His. He will call me to Heaven when it's time, according to His schedule, not mine.
But, grief is a Monster!! I immediately signed up at the hospice that helped us, and attended regularly the group grief meetings, until the Plandemic swept in and closed the doors.
Also, I recommend a book that my hospice gave out....its called, A Beginners Guide To Grieving....you know, I'm not sure if that title is accur
This is for AvB....
The book I recommended is written by Jerusha Hull McCormack....
Sorry I somehow sent this too soon.
I will pray for you in your grief, AvB, as the Lord leads.
May His grace and peace be with your spirit. 💜🕊💜