I’m the sole caregiver for my dad. I do not live with him but I take care of his tasks. Recently a family member told me that they’d been by his house and they started listing things that needed done. To make a long story short, I feel like I’m being ganged up on. It’s like she looks for things .. it’s portrayed like I’m not doing anything or not doing enough. This is not the first time this has happened . She talks to me like I don’t have sense.
Your abusive father has no doubt convinced his relatives that you are an idiot, which is clearly how he views you.
However, you know the truth. Keep that truth--that you are competent, compassionate and mindful of your own health and financial future in the forefront.
Yes, dad has needs. And HE is going to need to pay to have them taken care of.
A ‘living will’ gives directions for your own care while you are living but are not able to give instructions. A living will CANNOT leave it to you after he dies.
If your father did refer accurately to something as a ‘living will’, it is quite possibly a direction that you should live in his house and care for him until he dies. It won’t bind you, but it might affect the way you think about the future.
Your response should be the same as mine which is to tell her that she is free to take over the care anytime she wants to. My sister actually started paying for a maid to come. It is a passive aggressive gesture but at least she put her money where her mouth is.
Tell your siblings they can take on more of the burden or else butt out.
Not helpful, but at least not a hindrence, or using up my energy I guess.
I have some more distant folk (in years, distance or contact level) now sending through their thoughts of concern. Sure. Nice to be thought of: "Thankyou for your concern".
I have not sent invitations to jump on board. I am wary.
Backseat drivers will not be tolerated. Out. Hit the pavement.
As stated earlier a “living will’ is about medical care. It can’t make you ‘the beneficiary of the house and contents’. Even if he has a normal will leaving you the house and contents, it can be changed – and quite possibly will be if you stand up to him. You may need to make a choice between your own life and getting dropped by him and all the friends and relations who stand by him. Never depend on a will, if the testator is still legally competent to change it! Or if the assets could disappear to Medicaid.
Trying laughing at her. It can be a pretty effective technique. "Why on earth do you think I should be doing that, when he treats me like dirt? He can either hire outside help or hire me, and treat me with respect."
She will sputter about "honoring your father" and you should tell her that "the Bible says parents shouldn't provoke their children. Also that you shouldn't make garments of linen and wool, and that you shouldn't sow two kinds of seeds in the same field. Lots of interesting stuff in that book."
Stand your ground. Now, I've ignored some of my aunt's phone calls, because I don't have the time with what I mentioned above, plus a full-time job. But when faced with the aunt or my mom's nosy neighbors, I tell them it's under control and I'll reach out if there's any news to share to the family. I'm also being very selective on what I share. If your family member doesn't want to divide up the tasks for caring for your dad, they can stand down. Being friendly but firm will work. I know it may take a little time for them to take the hint, but they will. Hang in there. You've got this!
Why is it your job to "do" for him?
This post is from August. I think you have seen the light. Time to do what you want to do because its time for Dad to be in care. If you agree with me that moving near daughter would be a good thing, time to do it. That is really the only way Dad will get the help he needs. He has his sisters, so not leaving him high and dry.
Taking care of him without POA is not a good idea. As dad gets sicker and can't speak for himself, if you're not in charge of his finances, business, etc. you could end up still caregiving him but with no power to pay for things that he needs, such as food, equipment, bill paying and so on. POA gives you the power to do these things using his money.
Wake up! You're being pressured to do more for him, you shouldn't have to pay for any of his upkeep or bills, and if you haven't seen his CURRENT Will, you have no idea how this will turn out. If you're hanging on only to inherit the house, you may be sadly disappointed.
I feel like one of his siblings is POA because he does not think I know how to handle business. I have seen the current Will and the house and contents are mine if something were to happen, but I will sell it because I do not want to live in it. I'm going to find out for sure who the POA is.
"Thank you for this..especially when you said don't do what makes you shudder and suffer. I'm visiting my daughter now and I dread going back home because I'm so unhappy there. I don't think he looks at me as a person with my own wants and needs. When I had Covid last year, he kept asking when I was going to come and get his clothes to wash. He seems to sympathize with everyone except me. I admit that I feel guilty for not just moving in with him but on the other hand I know it probably drive me to the edge. I'm doing the best I can. I also think ( Lord forgive me if I'm wrong) that he has been saying negative things about me to his sisters because their attitudes have changed towards me. I was never close to them anyway but I can tell the difference."
So now I am sure this family member is a sister and Dads negativity towards you has influenced her. You know what I would do? I would move to live closer to your daughter. She should be #1 in your life. If she has a family, a better reason to move. I would make the plans, sell your home if you have one. When your ready to move, you do all Dads laundry. Clean the house. Make sure his pantry and frig are full. Leave him the number for Office of Aging, the Senior bus and any other resources he needs, maybe Drs phone #s. Then call the Aunts and say "he is all yours", hop in your car and leave.
I will bet u his sisters will not put up with his stuff. I will bet he will be hiring people to do what you did because his sisters will not do it. And if he does not do things for himself, APS will need to take over especially if he never assigned a POA. And if a sister holds POA, he will be in care. And please have no guilt about this. Dad has made his own bed by treating you as his slave and not the daughter ur. He does not deserve u and you do not deserve his abuse. You know honoring goes both ways. Forgiving him does not mean you continue to be abused. As long as ur there doing for him, no options will be found. You owe this man nothing! Please, please realize this.
Do you still do all you say in ur profile? If so, Dad needs to hire a housekeeper. And if some of the things on the list the housekeeper can do, then it should be done by her. Otherwise, Dad hires someone. You do not use your own money or your time.
Without POA you have no tool to help Dad when needed. I would not want it for a person like this anyway. When the time comes you feel he needs to be placed, then call APS for a vulnerable adult. Explain he does not trust u to give u POA. And because of childhood abuse you do not want it. You have no idea if he has assigned anyone. All you know is his care is more than you can take on.
I would say that this family member has been influenced by the way Dad looks at you. You need to tell them that you don't appreciate the condescending attitude toward you. You are now a Senior and have held down a job and seem to manage your life pretty well with no help from anyone not even Dad.
What's the plan as your father needs more help? Is the plan that you will be guilted into quitting your job and then going to live with him? Actually, you have written that it is HIS plan. Although you have stated you do not want that and will not do that, what is your plan?
You mention he might eventually need AL. Does he have the financial ability to pay for AL? Are you his POA/HCPOA? Are you the executor of his will? The sole beneficiary of his estate?
Why isn't he hiring outside help for what you do for him now?
He is finally receiving some additional help from a home health agency. This just started. I really think he will eventually need Assisted Living. I don’t know everything about his finances but I think he can afford it. I’m not his POA. I do know he has a living will and I’m the beneficiary of the house and contents. I’m definitely not quitting my job and I don’t understand why any parent would want their child/children to do that. I definitely wouldn’t want mine to.
See how you go. I am suppressing saying "Kick em where it hurts".
I totally agree with you. There is literally no respect for me and what I have to or need to do. She could have done those things while she was there.