Labs4me Asked April 2013
How do you handle your elderly mother who acts disrespectful when interacting with other people?
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It happens when things don't go her way and she becomes frustrated. She will whine and make innappropriate comments to whomever she feels is the target of her frustrations. She has targeted people she barely knows. I have been so embarrassed by her behavior in public that I no longer want to be seen in her company. My mother is very self indulgent with a high sense of entitlement and has been all her life. How do you handle a situation when your elderly mother decides to act out this way especiallyin public?
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Anyway, she received a letter from one of her doctors telling her that he Would not see her and to please find another doctor. He did not give her referrals. Lol. She came to me sheepishly as I was dutifully visiting her that day and showed me the letter. Yep, reject. Not putting up with your bs, lady. I silently said Thank You, God. Validation. I am not imagining terrible things about my Mother.
I read the letter. I told her that for some reason, he could not be her doctor. I askedif something had happened the last time she had an appointment. She was very impatient and grabbed the letter from me and said they were all stupid in his office. He never had time to listen to her. Uh huh.
I had always tried to reason with her--like I was the parent and she was the child-- from early on. Classic case of narcissist parent. I was so afraid for many years that I would be like her or like my Grandmother, who tried to program me to hate men, yet to be dependent. You get how that works? You snag a man, preferably one with means, you become more helpless and dependent in your relationship, have a kid or three for whatever self-serving reason, then you torture and manipulate them for as long as they can take it. If they leave or commit suicide or die some other way , you just get another one.
It's never their fault. Others must allow for their behavior and not expect them to be nice. However, they are superficially pleasant when it serves them. And if it serves them to make a scene to get more widespread sympathy, they will do that.
These are sick, mean, selfish people. All siblings are affected badly in some way by them. The defiant ones who keep fighting the dragon eventually win.
Nip it in the bud Debra. Tell your mother she's out of line and apologize to the person she's disrespecting right on the spot. The problem with this, however, is that you'll become the target of her frustrations. Nip that in the bud too.
Advanced age and lung disease are no excuse to mistreat people. Doesn't matter whom, where, or when.
I know what you mean. I think it becomes difficult finding places to take our Loved One when they do become verbally abusive, but I know there are places out there. The training that I had to work for agencies in the past was extensive especially in the realm of dementia as most of our clients were suffering with it to a degree. We know that what they say is the disease talking, but it really does take someone special to work with them day in and day out for a full 8-10 hour shift. I was a supplemental caregiver so I never had to do a full shift with someone who was really combative. It takes a lot to do it. I have had to do it with my own mother. Fortunately as the dementia has progressed, she has become docile.
My mom is the worst, and if we say anything we are cursing her. She calls the police, has a lawyer contact us, threatens us...
Didn't know there were others like her
It's so embarrassing. My mom will do this to the point that the person in the yard simply does his work and never comes back. And who can blame them. Not me. Every season I find myself having to hire a new crew. It's maddening.
I point out to her that her own father immigrated from Italy to the United States, which technically makes her "the daughter of a foreigner".....well, this has no impact on her at all despite the truth of it.
I agree with 3pinkroses reply on this topic. Sometimes you just have to ignore it because to do otherwise will just be far too trying on your patience and your own health.
I did try to take the hardline stance with my mom, telling her that if she didn't stop this behavior that I would stop coming over and doing things for her. This would only work for a short while, and then she is right back by that window with her loud, rude remarks.
Life has a whole lot of conflict, and you really do have to pick and choose your battles. Some stuff is just not worth compromising your own well-being to try and correct. If it's a losing battle, you just have to let it go.
XO
My MIL would do this as well; so I had two of them at the same time. I learned to ignore both of them in public. If they were spouting off; I texted on my phone or looked up e-mails, info, etc. For me, ignoring them was the only thing I could do as otherwise; it became too stressful. They had an answer for everything and would never ever admit to acting improperly, rude, etc.
When my mother was living at the NH; I would apologize to workers, other patients, etc. for her behavior. At least this was a controlled environment where I could at least express myself. Wish I had something concrete to suggest. But with their mentality; there is no winning. I learned from a therapist that I had a choice to how I reacted - 10% is what happens and 90% is how we react to things. It took work to accomplish this; but it taught me a lot.
So, other than always wishing the floor would open and swallow me up during these uncomfortable situations; I just ignore, ignore, ignore. Or, take them out less in public. My reactions prior only gave me high blood pressure and accomplished nothing. Sorry you are gong through this; I do empathize with how you feel. Take care.