Hi, I have been getting a lot from reading this forum, I see you all as kindred spirits who have taken being “human” to the highest level. I now finally have one big question that is eating me alive: How the heck do you set boundaries with Care Staff in hospitals and facilities, who ask you when you’re coming in next? I have been the only person in my family to take ownership of my parents’ care and now, after several years of juggling POA, Executorship, Agent… I am still being thrown under the bus by my emotionally abusive mother & family, nursing staff and facility. It is wearing me down to the point where I don’t feel any outlook in my life anymore. I try to stay strong by silencing my thoughts, meditating, listening to birds and watching the beautiful sky roll by. But every time I call to inquire about my mother, or they put her on the phone, she gaslights me in front of the nurses, tells me I am useless and that her heart is hurting because nobody is coming in for her. I have been consistently there for her for the last 7 years, through thick and thin. I have been her best friend through it all and she has no kind words for me, YET, the children who do nothing except one phone call a month and maybe a visit every second month, get treated to her civility and respect. I am the family scapegoat by the way. I have tried to read and educate myself about how I can escape this torture, this terrible emotional pain that becomes more obvious to me the longer I spend as mom’s primary person. I have been in therapy for the emotional abuse I have suffered all my life, I have been the one to try to change and be better. I am still in this rut and realize that the boundaries I am supposed to create, really have no effect because THEY will not change. I am not allowed to assert myself without experiencing a tongue lashing. I am polite and to the point, never make accusations… I try to ask for assistance, but I get kicked down by my family and told I am passive aggressive or in a pissing contest. I would like to know how to set boundaries with everyone, and tell them how its going to be for me this time. I have advocated for my mother like her champion, but I have no advocacy in return for my person. My siblings text me only to know “how mom is” but they never ask me how I am. When they do ask and I answer, I really regret it after, because they really don’t want to hear. I wouldn’t have cared many years ago, but now I feel like the family servant and it ain’t a good feeling. I don’t like being ad odds with anyone so I try to keep my voice strong through it all, but I admit, I missed the boat on establishing my assertiveness, and that was to establish boundaries early. I didn’t do that because I was to afraid of the controversy it would cause (me asking for some help or a tad respect? How dare I!). It is true with my mom, that I am only as good as my last good deed, but now with her dementia, she is treating me like dirt. I try to look past it, but because I am so tired and worn down, I would like to pack up and move far away and let the rest of my family figure out how to deal with load I have been carrying for them all these years. I am bitter, but I also know better. I wanted to help my parents and knew it was going to be difficult. But I wanted them realize I loved them no matter what. It didn’t make a difference, it only took 7 years off my life and added to my immense stress and higher cholesterol. If I could just be honest with the care staff without throwing away all my hard work… I want to see it through, even though nobody’s going to thank me for it, and I won’t be getting any hero medal. I want to honor the time I put in and stay with it because I owe it to myself to know I completed the mission. But I need to pull back on the reins - I figure I have earned my right to speak up but I would love to hear your thoughts and wisdom. Thank you!
I came upon this proverb years ago and it's one of my favorites. You won't be able to have it both ways: you either stick up (be involved) and therefore become a target, or remove yourself completely (no one can aim or shoot a target that isn't there).
I don't have a personal experience with an abusive parent. I always wonder why victims are caring for such a person when there are other care options for their parent. Perhaps consider you have a dysfunctional, co-dependent relationship with her. Maybe you're a Rescuer. Or People Pleaser? At any rate, you seem to be in Burnout, therefore you need (at the minimum) a very long, if not permanent, break.
An option is to resign your PoA and other authorities. If you do this, you will see that the sky will not fall. What will happen is your recovery. Your Mom will still receive care, it just won't be from you. And that's ok.
Here's another adage for you: Expectations = premeditated disappointment.
You keep expecting people to be nice or grateful. Even when they consistently are not. Maybe consider talking to a therapist, who will give you an objective perspective on things and help you identify and defend healthy boundaries. I wish you clarity, strength, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you figure out your future.
The boundaries are there for you. Not to make them change.
Stop calling her.
Call the social worker at the facility and tell her/him that you are under doctor's orders to strictly limit contact.
Whatever she needs can be ordered from Amazon and delivered.
You say you “owe it to myself to know I completed the mission.” If you’re in a pit, the worst thing to do is to keep digging just to say you completed “the mission.” What is the mission, precisely? This is a question you must ask yourself.
So, when they ask:
Staff/personnel: "Bareback, when are you coming in?" or any variation of same.
you respond
Bareback: "Is there a problem or an issue you wish to see me about?"
I would turn it back over to them, if you see my meaning. Because honestly, if they are asking you to come in there is something they wish to discuss with you. Have them "spit that out".
A) They may want to discuss your elder's behavior or progress or lack of progress
B) They may be worrying about your elder's current asking for you too much
C) They may be beginning to think your elder has a need. Increased level of care? Medication?
What I am saying is that if they are asking you when you will visit then there is a REASON for it and that's what you need to know.
They don't need/want your medical history, explanations of your duties at work, other family or anything else. You are correct in knowing they don't want to hear that.
As a retired RN I will tell you that it is very unusual for staff at a hospital to ask when you will be visiting unless they NEED you for something. And that is the question you need to ask them. "Is there something you need from me".
So just be clear with a minimum of chitchat. They aren't interested in the slightest in your life and limitations. You are free to say " I hadn't planned on coming this week; is there something you need to see me about".
THEN, if they continue on with "Your elder NEEDS you" you are free to tell them why you cannot fulfill all the needs of your elder (which is why she's in care, after all).
"I don't know."
Just because someone asks you a question does not mean you are obliged to give an answer.
So, start today.
For example - when you call the nurses to inquire how mom is, tell them you are NOT looking to speak with her. Tell them that iI they put her on the phone, you are going to assume that she is fine - since she can talk on the phone - and hang up.
And make your questions such that the nurses have to answer. Asking "how is my mom doing?" invites the response "well, why don't you talk to her yourself and find out?" Instead ask "is there anything MEDICALLY I need to know about my mother?" The more specific you make your question, the less easy it is for the nurses to put mom on the phone to talk to you.
And if mom does manage to get on the phone, as soon as she starts in with her nonsense, say "ok, mom, I'm hanging up now." And then do it.
It's hard for a lot of people to set boundaries with the people they care about, and I include myself in that group. Actually, it's not setting the boundaries that is difficult, it is following through with them that is problematic. So many of us want to make things easier for others, or to keep the peace, or something of that nature, that somewhere along the line we start to feel like welcome mats that people only notice when they are stepping on them. Since you have been doing for mom for so long, it is likely not going to be easy for you to keep those boundaries in place, but you can start small. And if a day goes by where you were "weak" (for lack of a better term) and let a boundary get stepped over, just tell yourself that tomorrow is another day and you will try again then. Rome wasn't built in a day, as they say, and it is hard to change many years of conditioning, but it can be done!
Good luck! You can do this!
Hope you will update us.
I read your advice responses below and boy, if one thing STICKS I hope it is Geaton's "The nail that sticks up gets hammered".
You figure out in your head first what you are willing to do, how much you can do, without it affecting you mentally, and you stick to that list know matter what!
And then when anyone is asking you to do more than you can do you say No.
I set boundaries, new at the beginning of all my caregiving journey I had too. But what I didn't do and didn't know how was the feeling bad for setting boundaries and carrying the guilt with me. And that was distorting my emotional health.
You have to tell yourself over and over, mom is safe , I need to stop worrying. You get therapy, you meditate, mindfulness,
You from this day forward put you first, your family second and your mom 3rd.
It will gradually come back you will feel free. I brought my mom on all my outings for 3 years. Then I got help , felt so free to walk into Kohl's, not with mom and not getting mom anything. And if I said to myself, oh mom will like this, id say NO this is about ME.
Best of luck , take care of You, I hope we are all helpful and you get some answers
You are trying to find love where there isn't any. You do for Mom hoping she will appreciate your efforts. Geaton is right, you have a certain personality and give off a certain vibe that people just take advantage of. Me, I wanted everyone to like me. A people pleaser only it got me nowhere. I learned not everyone is going to like me. I no longer volunteer. If asked I probably would do.
Time to say "I give up. Tired of trying to please everyone and get abused instead." You are a person with feelings and probably a sensitive person. You deserve to be loved and respected. You need to break away from this toxic family. Go no contact with everyone. If the lawyer who wrote up the POA is still around, have him revoke the POA sending Mom a letter to the fact. If not, any lawyer can do it. Legal aid could do it. It may only be that you write a letter to Mom revoking your POA and have it notarized.
You deserve better. You should be enjoying your life. Having friends you can do things with. Time for your siblings to do their part in caring for Mom. Don't wait, start blocking Mom and siblings now. Consult with a lawyer tomorrow about resigning POA. Get away from these people. Read the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. Its Christian based. One thing I have never allowed is someone to put me down or disrespect me. I don't challenge them because I don't do well in confrontations. Can't think quick enough, i just walk away. Seems my feelings don't matter for some people.
My week was made last week. I called a longtime friend, at the last minute, to go to breakfast. She said "let me get back to you". She called later to say she was free. She canceled another breakfast date to go with me. Do you know how good that made me feel? Someone gave something up for me.
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