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You just say it, especially if mom is staying over night and then being returned to you for 24/7 caregiving. Ask them to visit her, in small groups. And with the covid thing, to be sure they are masking and avoiding crowds/parties for the 10 day (or so) period prior to their visit. If you have non-maskers or conspiracy believers in your family, mom doesn't need to be in the same room with them anyway.

If nothing else, blame it on the covid. All that packing, being in a crowd, around a lot of small children or other chaos that comes with visits and holidays is not in mom's daily routine anymore. Assuming they aren't around mom that much, so they really have no idea how very little change in her routine can create confusion that lasts for days.
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Say it exactly as you have here. Says it all imo.

Are they being inflexible?(maybe due to lack of knowledge?)

Times change, people change. With life, age & illness. Adaptions need to be made.

Or being selfish?

Is their plan of seeing their Mother really more important than her wellbeing & safety?
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"Their mother".. is she not your mother as well. or are they stepsiblings?
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Bcheyne Dec 2020
Yes she is my mother too , and no they are not step siblings but they just don’t understand r don’t want to .
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Come and stay with you, or go and stay with them?

If it's the latter, there must be statistics you can find somewhere that will prove how many elders are admitted to ER with broken necks of femurs over the Christmas and New Year season because they have been navigating their children's houses and missed their steps. Anecdotally I know it happens so often it's virtually a given.

If it's the former... what would you like to do instead, what do you think would be best? Suggest that.
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my2cents Dec 2020
countrymouse - True. When you get out of your element everything you do is different. Even the seating that can cause aches and pains for weeks afterwards. Not one of my siblings has a recliner chair that my mom can sit in comfortably. They are all extra tall, large men type chairs so her feet won't even touch the ground. Sofas and other chairs are the big over sized seating and you have to try to find the right pillow combination for her to sit. She cannot get her walker into anyone's bathroom, which means I have to take/set up a potty chair in an area where she can get to. At a birthday party, she sat in a hard wooden rocker and attempted to use walker to go across grass for a distance about 3 times further than she normally walks at one time. She ended up with compression fractures in lower spine and my 24/7 caregiving days began - about 5 yrs ago.

Now we go for a few hours and return to her house where everything 'fits' her and is routine.
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Frame it as doing what is best for her. That an overnight stay would be harming and not helping. I’m sure everyone won’t like her not being there, but they also want what is best for Mom.
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my2cents Dec 2020
LoopyLoo - Not all the sibs will see it as 'what is best for mom'. If you take mom to spend the night and then just return her to her home, you really wouldn't see the confusion that follows. Some kids just don't realize when a parent can't do what they used to do. Drop by visits just don't give an accurate viewpoint of declining abilities. Some kids just don't want to admit to themselves that mom has more limits now.
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You say "We have decided that your Mom can't stay overnite anymore during holidays because of the episodes we have had of her confusion. It makes us too worried for her safety. I am so sorry; we can help you to make arrangements for her and for yourself elsewhere."
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