My mother in law has been living with my husband and me and our three children for 15 years. She had been widowed for already a decade before coming to live with us, and she has been disabled all of her life. Over these years, we have seen a gradual decline in her health, having had multiple surgical procedures and being in and out of the hospital for various reasons. Following a recent hospitalization, a catheter was administered and they sent her home with it. Today is day one for us to figure out how to manage everything, which ranges from helping her get from place to place, make all of her food and empty the catheter bag, along with making sure she gets the right medications. We are quite literally overwhelmed as a family & I continually ask myself whether this is a healthy existence. Our kids are ages 10, 12, & 15 and all of us have experienced emotional struggles and a few of us are definitely dealing with some levels of depression & seeing our own counseling. The issues that come with taking care of an elderly person are vast and impossible to predict. Quite frankly, I am her primary care giver and am maxed out. How does a family decide that it is time for a change, & whether it is even possible for a change to occur? Additionally, if the elderly person refuses to make a change (as in assisted living), does that mean we are completely stuck? I certainly feel stuck right now. Thank you for your help.
Love,
Lee
Today, I am currently working on writing up a personal care giver agreement between my mil and my adult daughter to care for my mil in our home. As far as boundaries go, I am so much harsher than my daughter. I know one day this won't be able to continue (and I know it shouldn't now, as my daughter has a 4 year old, and the husband doesn't do much of anything for his mother other than work his butt off). It seems like, in our case, there's sooo many hoops to jump through.
Best of luck with everything!
You can also call her doctor and ask him to prescribe rehab services.
Think of how long your kids have had to live in the midst of a hospital room. Medical supplies, hygiene procedures, etc., all right in front of them. My grandson is 10 and I would never ask him to witness the things I have to do for his grandfather.
Your husband needs to do the speaking, but present a united front to MIL. The longer you wait, the worse it will get. Or, do nothing. Maintain the status quo until the bottom falls out and you’re left wondering why you weren’t proactive when you read our advice.
Mother has remained in the home. She has done that slow slide into senescence we all fear. Slowly inculcating her life and demands into brother's family life. The youngest child has had mother there her whole life.
The ENTIRE family, including SIL is on medications for depression. Several have been therapy. Of mother's 6 children, 5 of us have had to go the medication/therapy route. I can't blame her, but she's definitely the core problem here.
However, while the 4 remaining sibs all think mother should be moved to a SNF--she has dug in her heels and so has brother. She's not going anywhere. She's not accepting any kind of outside help, and now that brother has told me to not grace his home with my presence (I got an exception on mother's birthday)...he has literally not one person who will help him. LOVES the martyr role.
It has NOT been healthy for brother's family to have mother living there. But it has kept brother from having to "do" anything. He has mild agoraphobia, and really is only OK when he is home. 2 of his kids also have it, a little more severely. "I have to be there for mom" is his excuse, and if you bring up SNF he literally will scream at you. It's not fun.
In retrospect, having the folks live with brother was an epic fail. IMHO, but that counts for nothing.
If the care of an elderly parent is upsetting or negative to the children, it's a hard pass, as far as I am concerned. MY parents didn't care for THEIR parents. Just sayin.
Take a giant step back and look at your situation clearly. IS this healthy for all concerned? Why do you have mom (and a high maintenance sick person) in your home requiring all your time and energy? Is it out of complete necessity or guilt? Only you can answer that.
I opted to go to my FIL's 3 xs a day to feed and care for him for MONTHS rather than have him move in with us. Hubby has never and will never forgive me--but we had 2 kids still at home, one in a very fragile emotional way. They came first. Period.
This is you call. Mom will get worse, those cath bags are difficult to care for properly and while mother has one, I can state she also has a UTI all the time. You ready for that?
I wish you the best in your decision making. This is hard, for sure.
I can not imagine a man putting his children in such a situation. They are very young to be having such issues that require professional intervention. My personal opinion is, it is time for MIL to get professional care for all of your wellbeing. Of course she doesn't want to change anything, she's had it made for 15 years, to the detriment of her grandbabies. This in itself is enough of a rub for me to kick her to the curb. Our elders matter a great deal, they are our history, however, they do not matter more then our children. Children need loving, stable homes to grow into healthy, happy, stable adults. Something about this situation has destroyed that for them, please have a heart to heart with your husband about how to protect your children for the small amount of time you have left.
Others say to include siblings, unless they are taking her, they have no say. This is your family, your house and you. They don't get to decide anything about that aspect of her residence, only that they will do the next 15 years.
This can all be handled lovingly, calmly and without hurt or hard feelings. Make a plan with your family and then tell others, including MIL, what will be happening, she has no choice to stay, AL, SNF, other child home, etc. Staying is not an option, her care with 3 youngsters in the home is too much for 1 person, time to take care of yourself and your children.
I pray you get good support from your husband and children and MIL comes to understand that her care has been moved up to need professional care. You still love her and will visit often, she can come for visits and won't that be wonderful. Or she can be ugly and miss out on the above, her choice. Be prepared for the guilt trip of your life while getting her into a place that can meet her new increasing needs.
Is it too late to go back to her team at the hospital and ask for a transfer to rehab?
If that's not going to happen, what about hiring a daily agency nurse for the time being?
Meanwhile.
Your MIL moved in with you when your first child was born. You say she has been disabled all her life, and at that time had been widowed for ten years. Were you glad she was coming to live with you? Were you okay with it? Were you not consulted?
I am beginning to think that your post is a bit of an iceberg and I am wondering what is under the surface.
With an indwelling catheter she will now be prone to UTI's and when the elderly get UTI's they become disoriented and they can hallucinate and display behavioral changes. And though you'll keep that cath tube very clean it's still an opening into the body where bacteria will get through. UTI's mean more hospital visits as well. It's a whole other level of care.
Your MIL may be and probably is very comfortable where she is living with you and your family but you're at the end of your rope and your family members are in therapy. It might be time to discuss with your husband placing his mother in a skilled nursing facility. This has to be a decision that you and your family make together. Meaning, you and your husband and any siblings he may have. And if no one is willing to make that decision then you will need some outside help if you are to continue caring for your MIL.
You shared about yourself and a little about your kids but where is your husband? This is his mother. You said you were maxed out on the caregiving. Doesn't your husband help in caring for his mother?
15 years is long enough. Does your husband have other siblings? What do they say?
Has your MIL paid for any care and expenses in the past 15 years?
If her care is affecting the mental health of your children, that should be a wake up call that it's time to find MIL a different level of care.
It's your spouse's responsibility to have the "mom, we can't do this anymore" conversation.
Call your local Area Agency on Aging and get a professional "needs assessment". Sit down with them and figure out what her resources are for paying for care.
Start to make a plan that's good for everyone, not just the elder.