Just wanted to know how others deal with family members that don't help or even visit.
I am 51, quit a good paying job,11 yrs I am a certified medical assistant, am living with my ailing 83 yr old mom, was working full time, finally got her on passport which is a whole different story, it took 6 months, but when we got her on it, it took them 2 months to find an aide as there was as shortage of aides. When they did find an agency, to say the least they were horrible. Well, the stress of never knowing if the girl was going to show up at 630 am (which there were days she didn't) and I was already at work, I decided to quit my job and become my moms full time caregiver,. I work for an agency and get paid.
I have 2 brothers, 1 who is 10 yrs older than me and comes over everyday at bedtime and helps me get her in bed, (wont change diapers), but helps out in every other way, then the other one has nothing to do with my mom he is 2 yrs older than me, and this started long before she got sick. For no good reason.
She recently contracted C-diff from one of the hospice nurses. What a nightmare.
I have 2 children, Lauren 24 who works full time has no children lives with her boyfriend, and Freddy 21 works full time and then some and has a fiance' and my one and only granddaughter who is 14 months old. Lauren does help when she can god bless her, and my son well, he is a boy and he works 7 days a week. His little woman doesn't work, well thats it she doesn't work.
My brother that helps has no children, his wife of 32 yrs passed away suddenly it will be 6 yrs on 12/28 of this yr. She was like my sister. If she was here, she would help all the time, My other brother has 2 children Tawnya 25 who is an RN not married no kids works 3 on and 4 off, and Brad 23 works and is worthless like his dad.
My story.
How does everyone else deal with this?
Burntout in Ohio
My biggest thing was that I told everyone the situation so I knew they were aware of it and I felt that I shouldn't have to ask. They knew what needed to be done and I resented having to feel like I was the gatekeeper for my Mom.
Fast forward to the present. My Mom has since passed and I still get upset thinking of the times that I felt all alone with no support but you know what, I sleep at night knowing I did all I could for my Mom and one day if my siblings are at all human they will hopefully realize they missed out on spending some quality time with their dear departed Mother. If they don't realize it then I guess it wouldn't of mattered anyway.
Just move on..
Now time or energy to waste on useless siblings..
I should know I have 5 of them.......
You need relief and you need to accept that you're not going to get a lot of help from your siblings. Be grateful for your one brother who shows up at bedtime. The diaper change may just be too intimate/weird for him and that is both understandable and okay. I think my husband would pass out if he ever saw his mom's private parts.
What kind of community do you live in? Do you have a library that has programs for seniors? What about your county department for the aging? If you attend a house of worship what do they offer? You need to find respite care so that you don't go from feeling bad (burnout) to worse (compassion fatigue) like I did. I did not avail myself of my community's supportive services until I broke and felt nothing. I felt like a big black hole was inside of me.
If you have friends and neighbors who have home health aides ask them if their helpers have a colleague who needs work. I've found these people to be a tight-knit group who help families find good, reliable people. Remember that situations change quickly and a home health aide may be employed one week and the next their charge will have been transferred to a nursing home or passed away.
Volunteer or find some part-time work to get yourself out of the house for a few hours each week. Make life as easy and automated as you can. For example, grocery delivery and cook & freeze meals for the week. Setup automatic bill payments using online banking if your bank offers it. Simplify your life as much as you can so you can get some mental relief. And find something to do that helps you get out your frustrations...kickboxing...baking (kneading bread is very therapeutic)...get a glue gun...whatever helps you. Good luck! - NYDIL
I am an only child, a son, and I assisted my mom as her physical condition deteriorated over a period of years. I did so because I loved her and she needed me.
When my mom broke her hip, I called one of her nieces. She told me she would come to see my mom in the hospital. She didn't come. I called again and she wasn't feeling well; she would call me back when she felt better. Nothing. The Hospice nurse called on my mom's final day. Still no response. I called the next day to tell her that my mom had passed away. Neither of them came to my mom's funeral, sent anything, or called to offer any consolation.
Now I am all alone and in a state of inconsolable grief. I am hurt by the way my nieces acted but am not angry. To anyone feeling abandoned by their family in their time of need, take consolation from these words:
Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn: for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the merciful: for they will be shown mercy.
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