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Husband and I disagree about being too friendly with his aunt and my mother's caregivers. I feel they should be considered part of the family and care team. He feels distance makes it easier to correct performance and a conflict should it arise.
My crew called me mom but, they always knew that I was the boss and had the final authority. They knew I had their backs and that I would do whatever I could for them too.
Bottom line, they aren't family and everybody knows that. They won't put up with any bad behaviors, they won't sacrifice their life to prop up their clients unless they are getting paid for the time and the list goes on and on.
Doesn't mean they aren't great employees that give it 110% but, when their shift ends, they don't give it another thought until their shift begins again.
It feels different then a typical employer/employee relationship because they are in the home and providing intimate care. Don't fool yourself and think that makes them family, it doesn't.
You treat them with respect and care, with gratitude and love, you acknowledge their efforts with bonuses and thanks but, you never forget at the end of the day, they are being paid to provide a service and you need to retain the authority as boss. That doesn't mean you are bossy, it means that you make the final decision on the care and services you are paying for.
It is a fine line to be a good boss that your employees can respect and desire to do a good job for. Your husband has the right idea.
No, they aren't family. In this sense I mean you do not share inappropriately with them about Aunt and Mom's life, about your own, about personal stuff. Friendly as in nice, nice nice, fine. But don't share their personal lives. Don't share yours. When things descend down that trail you end up muddying and ultimately losing relationships. It can start with something so simple as a caregiver mentioning problems making ends meet until the end of the week and the payee saying "Oh, I can help until week's end; let me buy a tank of gas, use my this or that gift card". It can get muddy and I have seen it happen with GOOD INTENTIONS on BOTH sides. Thereby you can lose caregivers who are just great. And you can end feeling used and angry when you just meant to be nice. Distance does make it easier to "discuss" (I would say, rather than correct). Just be nice. This isn't family. This is a caregiver. Be nice, be appreciate. Praise the good, mention things that aren't going as well when they aren't. I am on both your sides. Everyone needs praise in their work. I loved nursing. It could be grueling and heartbreaking work, but the praise of families and patients made my day. It doesn't have to be "big". Just "You know, I always feel good when I know you are caring for Aunt, because she so likes you". That will make the caretaker's day. And it doesn't mean you can't say "Jan, can I tell you about something Aunt spoke with me about that disturbed her?" So I agree with you both. Friendly, but not a friend. Able to compliment, but able to let her know when care is wanting. Best out to you; for even thinking on this deep a level you should be praised.
Don’t get personal with paid caregivers. They’ll throw it up to you in future..& take advantage & you’ll find it harder to criticize them when needed. Then if you tell them to do something, they’ll look at you like you have 3 heads Don't get personal with paid caregivers. They’re not family.
My mom had a woman who came into her home for over a decade and they formed a close bond, she even had her daughter visit to show of the brand new grandchild. When my mom began to slip physically and mentally she was someone I could trust to help as we made major life transitions, but after that she pulled back and dropped from our lives. Bottom line is that no matter how much like family they seem they aren't.
Keep business, business. They are not family but deserve to be treated with respect. Basically you are paying for skills and services, etc. The longer the relationship goes on the more they know about the family and their weak points.
Family caregiving which is usually unpaid and voluntary is a horse of a different color.
You have to keep that line. I agree, a gift card, tulips at Eastertime, social amenities (ex. I put on a pot of coffee, if you would like a cup). I have heard of situations where people are well-off financially and the caregiver picks up on the next generation not being that savvy when it comes to balancing the checkbook and they inflate basically their hours on the time sheet. It makes it harder to get rid of them if the loved one who needs care depends on them and likes them and has built a relationship with them. These things do happen. You want to avoid this.
You want to keep your edge and boundaries. Look at all of the old movies, "the Butler did it". The one who was waiting on the patient/client hand-and-foot, all of a sudden the entire estate goes to the Butler. How did that happen? I don't have to worry I'm not in that social class but I am just trying to reference a point. My good silverware is from the Dollar Store.
You don't want people to "get in there" in other words keep it professional. It's will alleviate a lot of aggravation.
I have sent handwritten thank you notes to Executive Director's of VNA specifically naming the person (occupational therapist) and give examples of outstanding work that they have provided. This way here they have follow-up from you, if you use them again they treat your loved even better and if you run into them in the supermarket they're happy to see you. One occupational therapist told me that her boss called her into the Office, showed her the note I sent and the O/T took a photo of it on her phone and went home and showed her family.
I know about this because three months later I needed to re-hire the same agency and the O/T thanked me.
There are ways to benefit them by writing to their boss and praising how professional, punctual and knowledgeable they are about the latest therapy (for example, skis on a walker, exercise ribbons, assistance with ordering bed rails etc.) Keep it business but praise.
That's not to say if my wallet were missing I wouldn't hesitate to call the cops. I think you get my message.
Wow, Ireland. You make us in-home caregivers sound like criminal masterminds just biding our time to get to know a family's business and secrets so we can rip them off. If your wallet goes missing there may be an actual possibility that YOU lost it and it wasn't ripped off by a caregiver. Families hiring help to come into the homes of their loved ones to care for them have to use their head a little bit too. Like don't leave a stack of $100 on the table. Or lock up grandma's jewelry collection. Don't leave credit cards or checkbooks out in the open. Most normal people don't leave these things out in the open anyway even when there aren't caregivers coming into the house.
This is or can be difficult. This is why BOUNDARIES as a topic often comes up. It is difficult to have someone come into your home 3, 4, 5, 6 or 7 days a week and preform some very intimate tasks and treat them as "hired help". After all they are in fact "hired help" but the very fact they know almost as much about the family as a family member (and sometimes more than some members of the family) you begin to treat them like family. A true bond forms, trust in this person is a must. As a caregiver it is difficult to care for someone you do not like. A "PROFESSIONAL" caregiver sets boundaries and can separate a personal friendship from a professional one. A professional will follow a care plan, if the needs change or if they are not doing something correctly they want to know. BUT like a lot of people doing the same job day after day things get missed, shortcuts are taken and just like any job the boss has to keep employees on task. This is one of the reasons in many comments I have made when the topic of a contract comes up I suggest that the contract be reviewed and renewed at least every 6 months. Declines happen that require more work, people can get lax. A review makes it easier to correct problems. But problems should be addressed as they come up, the review allows you to assess if the caregiver complies with corrections promptly.
Getting back to how friendly should you be. Everyone wants to be greeted warmly and smiled at when they come to work. You have to make it a pleasant atmosphere in order to work.
They should be considered part of the care team, as they are, but DEFINITELY not family, as they are not. It is critical to keep that boundary, and watch for any inappropriate bonding with these aides.
I am with your husband. Keep the relationship professional. You can be friendly. But they are not family. You can give them a gift card to show ur appreciation but don't enmesh your lives. There are horror stories on this forum where a hired caregiver took over. One moved her family in. I was friendly with my bosses to the point I was invited to their homes. But when at work, they were the BOSS.
Consider how you would treat the staff in the hospital. They care for you very intimately. They see you at your worst, and occasionally at your best. They try hard to preserve your dignity.
As a registered nurse in a hospital, I try to be friendly and professional with my patients. I realize that I am not their friend nor am I their family member. I expect courtesy and enjoy those who are friendly to me, but I don't expect more than that.
That depends on the caregiver . I think you have to be respectful of their boundaries . It’s your home but it’s their workplace . We have been fortunate to have a woman care for my parents who actually feels like part of our family . She knows how we feel about her and we do everything we can to make her as happy as she makes my parents . At the same time we are professional and courteous
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Bottom line, they aren't family and everybody knows that. They won't put up with any bad behaviors, they won't sacrifice their life to prop up their clients unless they are getting paid for the time and the list goes on and on.
Doesn't mean they aren't great employees that give it 110% but, when their shift ends, they don't give it another thought until their shift begins again.
It feels different then a typical employer/employee relationship because they are in the home and providing intimate care. Don't fool yourself and think that makes them family, it doesn't.
You treat them with respect and care, with gratitude and love, you acknowledge their efforts with bonuses and thanks but, you never forget at the end of the day, they are being paid to provide a service and you need to retain the authority as boss. That doesn't mean you are bossy, it means that you make the final decision on the care and services you are paying for.
It is a fine line to be a good boss that your employees can respect and desire to do a good job for. Your husband has the right idea.
Friendly as in nice, nice nice, fine.
But don't share their personal lives. Don't share yours. When things descend down that trail you end up muddying and ultimately losing relationships. It can start with something so simple as a caregiver mentioning problems making ends meet until the end of the week and the payee saying "Oh, I can help until week's end; let me buy a tank of gas, use my this or that gift card". It can get muddy and I have seen it happen with GOOD INTENTIONS on BOTH sides. Thereby you can lose caregivers who are just great. And you can end feeling used and angry when you just meant to be nice.
Distance does make it easier to "discuss" (I would say, rather than correct).
Just be nice. This isn't family. This is a caregiver. Be nice, be appreciate. Praise the good, mention things that aren't going as well when they aren't.
I am on both your sides. Everyone needs praise in their work. I loved nursing. It could be grueling and heartbreaking work, but the praise of families and patients made my day. It doesn't have to be "big". Just "You know, I always feel good when I know you are caring for Aunt, because she so likes you". That will make the caretaker's day. And it doesn't mean you can't say "Jan, can I tell you about something Aunt spoke with me about that disturbed her?"
So I agree with you both. Friendly, but not a friend. Able to compliment, but able to let her know when care is wanting.
Best out to you; for even thinking on this deep a level you should be praised.
i think, OP, your husband has a good/wise point:
...some distance, so it's easier to correct/discuss when necessary
...and in case of future conflict
sometimes things work out wonderfully with a caregiver...
sometimes, suddenly an unexpected conflict/bad behavior arises...
hug!!
Don't get personal with paid caregivers. They’re not family.
Keep business, business. They are not family but deserve to be treated with respect. Basically you are paying for skills and services, etc. The longer the relationship goes on the more they know about the family and their weak points.
Family caregiving which is usually unpaid and voluntary is a horse of a different color.
You have to keep that line. I agree, a gift card, tulips at Eastertime, social amenities (ex. I put on a pot of coffee, if you would like a cup). I have heard of situations where people are well-off financially and the caregiver picks up on the next generation not being that savvy when it comes to balancing the checkbook and they inflate basically their hours on the time sheet. It makes it harder to get rid of them if the loved one who needs care depends on them and likes them and has built a relationship with them. These things do happen. You want to avoid this.
You want to keep your edge and boundaries. Look at all of the old movies, "the Butler did it". The one who was waiting on the patient/client hand-and-foot, all of a sudden the entire estate goes to the Butler. How did that happen? I don't have to worry I'm not in that social class but I am just trying to reference a point.
My good silverware is from the Dollar Store.
You don't want people to "get in there" in other words keep it professional. It's will alleviate a lot of aggravation.
I have sent handwritten thank you notes to Executive Director's of VNA specifically naming the person (occupational therapist) and give examples of outstanding work that they have provided. This way here they have follow-up from you, if you use them again they treat your loved even better and if you run into them in the supermarket they're happy to see you. One occupational therapist told me that her boss called her into the Office, showed her the note I sent and the O/T took a photo of it on her phone and went home and showed her family.
I know about this because three months later I needed to re-hire the same agency and the O/T thanked me.
There are ways to benefit them by writing to their boss and praising how professional, punctual and knowledgeable they are about the latest therapy (for example, skis on a walker, exercise ribbons, assistance with ordering bed rails etc.) Keep it business but praise.
That's not to say if my wallet were missing I wouldn't hesitate to call the cops.
I think you get my message.
If your wallet goes missing there may be an actual possibility that YOU lost it and it wasn't ripped off by a caregiver.
Families hiring help to come into the homes of their loved ones to care for them have to use their head a little bit too. Like don't leave a stack of $100 on the table. Or lock up grandma's jewelry collection. Don't leave credit cards or checkbooks out in the open.
Most normal people don't leave these things out in the open anyway even when there aren't caregivers coming into the house.
It is difficult to have someone come into your home 3, 4, 5, 6 or 7 days a week and preform some very intimate tasks and treat them as "hired help". After all they are in fact "hired help" but the very fact they know almost as much about the family as a family member (and sometimes more than some members of the family) you begin to treat them like family.
A true bond forms, trust in this person is a must.
As a caregiver it is difficult to care for someone you do not like.
A "PROFESSIONAL" caregiver sets boundaries and can separate a personal friendship from a professional one.
A professional will follow a care plan, if the needs change or if they are not doing something correctly they want to know. BUT like a lot of people doing the same job day after day things get missed, shortcuts are taken and just like any job the boss has to keep employees on task.
This is one of the reasons in many comments I have made when the topic of a contract comes up I suggest that the contract be reviewed and renewed at least every 6 months. Declines happen that require more work, people can get lax. A review makes it easier to correct problems. But problems should be addressed as they come up, the review allows you to assess if the caregiver complies with corrections promptly.
Getting back to how friendly should you be. Everyone wants to be greeted warmly and smiled at when they come to work. You have to make it a pleasant atmosphere in order to work.
As a registered nurse in a hospital, I try to be friendly and professional with my patients. I realize that I am not their friend nor am I their family member. I expect courtesy and enjoy those who are friendly to me, but I don't expect more than that.
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