Follow
Share

My mom had seizures in her brain in July of 2015. She was in a coma or vegative state and in the hospital 3weeks. I stayed with her and slept very very little and ate very little. I loved my mom more than she would ever know. Then we took her home thru hospice. It 5ook her three days to pass away. I slept for 6 hrs the whole 3 days. I passed out by her bed for that. I didn't want 5o be asleep when she left. Even though I told her she could go I didn't want her to. We lost my older brother several years ago to an accident and we had never been the same. Mom and dad had grieved so much. In that 3 weeks she hadn't spoke other than involuntary vocalizations, and hadn't moved her hands. She had opened her eyes as an involuntary nerve movement but didn't respond at all. In the last hour of so of her life I got up to go get a drink and have a quick smoke, but when I tried to let go of her hand she clasped mine. I thought it was my imagination but she did, she pulled me as if to say don't go. In the last minute of her life she muttered something . Over and over with her eyes open and set in a gaze toward the ceiling. Finally she said her last words. She said God, God, and she died. I am a 39 year old man with a wife and 3 kids. I had a job that I had for 11 years now it's gone. I can't remember anything anyone tells me or anything I watch on tv. I don't sleep much, and don't get hungry. My dad is a Vietnam vet and in early stages of dementia. We had to move him in with us. Now Christmas and Thanksgiving. I can't do it any more. I hide in my room and I can't be happy. I can't sit still and I can't relax. I'm ready to give up. To make the whole thing worse a good friend and Co worker named Derrick had his mom die a week before mine. We had been consoling each other. Then a few days after we buried mom he came into work and died. I was ask to pall bear at his funeral and I did. It hurt. I wanted to die too. Still do at times. I'm at the end of my rope. What do I do? How do I get over this? Mom died Sept 16. I'm still hurting as much as then. Thank you for listening. It helps to vent. And thanks for any advice.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

27 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
I never dreamed there would be such a good feeling here. I have been struggling to keep my faith and belief that God loves me. But somehow I feel he led me here. I feel loved and cared for. I feel like I am not alone. You all have given me good advice and I never turn a deaf ear to good advice. I made it through Thanksgiving but it was very hard to keep focused, I cried alot. My wife is getting irritated with me and my enotions. Her family is not close like mine. She said she wasn't gonna put up with it much longer. That didn't make the day any easier. Seems like a kick while I'm diwn. But I try to understand that she just doesn't get it. Her family cremate their people. Nothing wrong with that but then they have a party with an open bar. Loud music and food. Of course I've only seen one die since we met. Her grandfather. She dont understand why anybody would put them in a funeral home and look at them for 2 days.She actually said that. I'm country, a United Baptist and that's how we do it. Always have. She's from the city and raised without church. I love her and don't want my family to fall apart too. I've lost too much already. The prayer that was sent to me via private message was the most beautiful prayer I have heard. It made me cry. Thank you for that. Thank you for every comment and all the words of encouragement. This is a good thing and has helped me tremendously. I'd love to be able to talk on the phone with some of you. Your words are very uplifting and I can't get on here too much. But I'll keep checking in. I'll be here. And soon as I think I can help someone else I will. Sending a big ol bear hug to all of you. Keep living and praying for each other.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
If you can walk ,get out and walk 2 miles a day. it will help so much. Your brain is low on seritonin and this will increase it . Capture your negative thoughts and practice being grateful for all you have. If you are still struggling after a few weeks go to a free clinic and get on a low dose of an anti depressant . The generics are $10.00 a month. It will help and you can take them for a few months to kick start you. This is serious business.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
MM- you have suffered so much loss, your mom would be proud of you for reaching out and getting help. Prayers for you, her and your wife and kids.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
When a parent dies and especially the one you are closest too, they take a big part of your heart. My dad died of cancer in 2005 my mom of dementia in 2014. Even tho I knew they were no long suffering it tore me up to no end. Main thing is dont keep the pain bottled up, talk about it either with family or your preacher. Remember you mom would not want you to hurt this bad, love her and yourself enough to get help so you may enjoy life and your family. Praying helps. God be with you and give you comfort and the peace that you need.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I was very, very close to my father and I'm still not over his death that happened eight years ago. I'm better, overall, but I still struggle with this loss. The Holidays are difficult. No doubt. Also, whenever I see a commercial on television of father walking a daughter down the aisle at her wedding, I still get teary-eyed because I'll never have this. All fathers want to see their daughters get married to a wonderful partner. I 100% agree with Cathberry. In my case, time doesn't heal all wounds - it just changes its dressings so I can handle the wound better. The wound doesn't burn as much as it previously did but the wound will always be there. If you have the opportunity to seek grief counseling, then you should and there is no shame in admitting you need some help to deal with a very painful loss. Like I said, I'm better, overall, but there was time that I couldn't function. I wasn't on any medications. I just didn't know how to deal with the loss of someone who was such a big influence on my life - but I didn't realize how much of impact he made on me until after he was gone and this was a part of my pain, part of my regret. Maybe you're not ready to seek help - and this is okay - you just go when it's right for you. I think you need to "feel" everything that you're feeling in order to process the loss; if you're feeling sad, then don't fight this and let yourself feel that wave of sadness over and over - and over; if you're feeling angry, then just let yourself feel that anger. Some of my pain is regret - in that I wished I would've said some things to my father before he expired. So, as I go about my day, if I have a moment of regret, then I actually talk it out, quietly to myself, as a way to heal this pain; for example, I never had the chance to tell him how much I loved him and how thankful I am for the sacrifice he made for our family. So, when I "feel" this regret, I quietly say "I love you Dad...Thank you for everything you did for us..." and by acknowledging this feeling I oddly feel somewhat connected to my father though I know he's no longer here with me, then I get teary-eyed for a little bit, then I feel a release and I can go about my day with no hang-ups.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Cathberry, that was helpful, I am sure to so many.
My heart goes out this Thanksgiving to those who have lost a loved one and are spending their first holiday without that person.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I was widowed when I was 34 years old. My late husband died from chronic alcoholism. It took me seven years to come to terms with his death. I learned a few things along the way.

Grief if called grief work because that is exactly what it IS--work--and work makes us tired. That means that we have to take and make time to rest.

Never let anyone tell you or suggest to you that you "should get over it". We never get over it. Time does NOT make it better but it DOES make it different.

I know that it is hard to believe now but one morning you will waken up and the person/people who have died will not be your first thought.

I worked as a Palliative Care Nurse and an Oncology nurse for many years. My advice to my patients and/or their families was what I found to be helpful for me.

"Talk about your loss/es until you bore your friends. Then talk about your loss/es until you bore yourself. THEN hopefully you can begin to heal." There is no timetable for grief. Each of us works at our own pace and in our own way. This is how we honour our loved ones and how we honour ourselves.

Stay in touch. Many of us really care about each other--and that means you too.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
MM - you are still young. Focus on yourself so your kids don't lose you. Consider quitting smoking because cigarettes make depression worse. I know that while you're smoking it feels good but you'll feel much better if you quit. Getting through those first three days without a cigarette is the hardest but then your mood will improve and your taste buds will awaken. When you feel the urge to smoke, drink a glass of water slowly and within a few minutes the urge to smoke will pass. Take all of this one day at a time. Christmas is still a long ways away but the first holidays without a loved one are the hardest. Simplify. Start a new tradition with your family. I wish you peace.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Thank you all once again. I really am overwelmed at the response. Makes me all teary eyed to read some of your messages. For the most part yall are right. Maggie you have alot of good ideas and I'll be trying some of them. I am really trying. I got to get better. It just keeps hurting. And Maggie I know just where your at. I'm in Bowling Green, Warren County Ky. Midkid don't worry about that big strong man because you don't see him cry. Mine ain't seen it but maybe at the funeral. He prob does it in his car, or the bathroom, or wherever no one will know. I know that's how I handle it. Us big guys can get emotional. My Uncle is pastor at my church and my pappaw was a well known preacher. I was raised in church. Although I haven't been a as much since mom died. I'll get there. Long story. Singingway, wow I don't know if I've ever been that good to myself. Lol and I don't do lotion much. But hey maybe I'll give it a shot. It sounds fun. Sorry to be cracking jokes people just seemed funny seeing me lotioning up after a shower. Like I said I'm open minded. Maybe I need to take care of myself. I dont. I don't do Dr's, I just deal with it til it goes away. I put myself at the bottom of the list. Everyone comes before me. That's ok with me too. That's the way it should be. When your a man you have certain responsibility to take care of your loved ones. That's why it's driving me crazy with all this, I'm supposed to be strong and unwavering. I mean a year ago I would have never got on the Internet and put my life out there like this. But I got down so low I had to make a move before it consumed me. I really appreciate all the advice you all gave me. Such angels.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Mmeredith, You are invited to visit the thread: "Love Notes From Caregivers Who Have Lost Someone".
Just enter it into the search bar above. It is for you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
COBRA health insurance extends health insurance after job loss.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Your 15 year old might welcome the chance to help you and help the family. It may be something a teen could be proud of, and always remember. Maybe you both could work together doing yard work for people. Plan out how much you need to make for Christmas, and put the word out that you're available. Post flyers at local churches. There are lots of older retired people who want to stay in their homes but who can no longer care for the yard, haul away branches, even caulk windows and clean gutters. Those are hard jobs for older folks.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
P.S. The grieving box suggestion came from a wonderful simple little book, called How to Survive the Loss of A Love, by Peter McWilliams. Your public library can get it for you, inter-library loan, if they don't have it, for free.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
mmeredith1220, I have a suggestion. Sometimes the stress of caring for someone and going without sleep, creates a disturbance or an imbalance in the autonomic nervous system. Dry brush your skin with a soft brush or towel, before a shower. Put a teaspoon of vicks vapor rub in the water of the hot shower, so you inhale the steam. The camphor is grounding for your energy. After the shower, rub oil over every bit of skin (food-grade oil, edible kitchen oil, or if you don't like oil, use lotion) and especially into the spine, all the while blessing your body and thanking it for hanging on and letting you keep living. This will help bring yourself back into yourself -- and strengthen you. Our loved ones can sometimes help us MORE from the spiritual plane of being. But being calm and centered and taking loving care of yourself, and VALUING YOUR OWN LIFE, is the best way to hear and feel your mother's presence is still available to you, still loving you, and still helping you. She has probably already sent you signs. Your nervous system needs calmed, so you can tune into that connection. Grief that overwhelms all the time needs to be given a schedule which both honors and contains it. This helps you to not feel so helplessly overcome when you least expect it. Set aside a time each day...gradually reducing it to once a week, then once a month, to privately honor her. Have box of mementos and look through photos, talk to her, grieve, and celebrate her and remember the good things. Then close the box and put it away until your next appointment with your grieving process. You will notice changes within yourself each time. Value yourself. Value your Life. Best Wishes for your continued healing.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I am very sorry for your loss. Sounds so hollow, doesn't it? But sometimes that's all we have

My family lives in Clay County KY. I can read your beautiful southern accent between the lines. Mom died a year ago, with me, and was buried in a beautiful cemetery with the rest of her family. My ashes will be sprinkled on her grave when I pass.

It is the circle of life. And it's often painful. You are mourning mom...and you are mourning the loss of your job. And the very recent loss od your friend. Three massive losses at the same time. Depression is made of this. Funny thing about mourning...it recalls so many OTHER losses in our lives. Makes us feel overwhelmed.

It sounds as though you are doing all the right things. Reaching out for your family in economically tough times...looking for support thru hospice...coming here and venting...reaching out to your family...you most surely ARE a strong OL Kentucky boy.

I don't have any profound advice for you except just a few words. When my husband died, I lost my whole life. Everything I knew was thrown up in the air, blown around and strewn around the ground. I wanted to die. I stayed in bed...didn't answer the phone...drank too much -- all the joy had left my life. Every single ounce.

Then I chose life. I got busy. Stayed busy. And every day told myself that, even though I was filled with heartache, I would "act as if" I was happy. Weeks went by. Weeks of losing things, forgetting things, driving past my destination in distraction, and so much more. Then, slowly, those things began to happen less and less. And one day, a few months later, I found myself la-la-la'ing to the radio on my way home from the store. I know that sounds crazy. But that's when I knew I was going to make it.

You will too. And you have some really great reasons to come out the other side. Your kids.

Act As If, my friend. Can't hurt. I think it'll help. God bless.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
MM-
My heart goes out to you. My own hubby, a big guy about your size, fell to pieces when his dad died. although Dad had been sick with leukemia for years and was definitely not destined for a long life--and despite drs looking my hubby in the eye and saying "Your father has days, only a few, to live"...he kept believing that his dad would once again rally.
The funeral planning took his mind off things...then he had to start dealing with the estate, and that also took his mind off of his dad's death. I stepped in and did WAY more than a DIL should do, but hubby was "frozen"...to this day he has not shed a tear or really shown any emotion about his dad's death. (12 years) I know this isn't healthy. I am very glad you are getting help. Yes, having someone you love die at the holidays is awful. We've gone through that several times.
Do you have a pastor or reverend or someone whose "faith" you trust? I know that my personal belief that this life is only temporary and our loved ones who've passed are just waiting for us...but in another room, so to speak, is of immeasurable comfort. I am sure your mother would not want you to grieve her passing. Try celebrating her life, remembering the good things and embracing the love she left and so obviously instilled in you.
Honestly you will never "get over" this--as you shouldn't. But it will get easier and you will find joy again. You have had a LOT of loss in your life. I think your mom's just knocked the wind out of you.
My oldest child is your age---I wouldn't want her to mourn me gone, but celebrate my life through being a good person herself. I don't know you--but I know how you are feeling. Prayers for you and yours.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
MM, you have had way too many deaths to witness than you should have had. My late husband's family was that way too. His was a large family that liked to get together and play baseball in the fields, card games on several tables set up outside, kids running around screaming and laughing like they didn't have a care in the world. Those were good days until the deaths started. First from cancer, a brother of my husband, then his wife, his son next from cancer, his sister from colon cancer, his SIL from lung cancer, his sister became ill with dementia first, then Alzheimer's before dying, 2 nephews fighting with cancer now, 1 other nephew fighting with lymphoma, a niece died from ovarian cancer. At this point, I'm just holding my breath because of my daughter. So far, she's healthy but no one knows what's in store for their family members. Just be thankful that your kids are well and happy. I don't let myself dwell on the cancers running thru their families because it would just drive me insane if I did. Some people find support and safety in their churches, others in other family members but whatever your case may be, just know you aren't alone in dealing with something like this. It's hit you very hard but sometimes prayer can help ease the pain. Get out in the fresh air and sun and do things with your kids as much as possible. Make a point to do something every week whether you feel like it or not. Making memories is what sustains us when someone leaves this earth early. Your 15 year old will understand if Christmas is limited this year. Check out your local Goodwill stores, sometimes they have gifts that are very reasonable. Things will start to change when you become employed again. My best wishes to you and your family.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
All the previous advice and TIME. Be patient with yourself. There will be lighter days. My mom had a massive stroke Jan 2015, I was primary and 24/7 caregiver til her death mid May 2015. Even though I have cared for terminally ill patients for 38 years, caring for and loosing my Mom was the hardest thing ever. I can just now reach out to others and give care again. (Nov. 2015)
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I actually done both today, Terry. I called Hospice and I'm gonna see the counselor Wed. They said I get six months aftercare but there isn't much left. I'm hoping they can point me the right way, maybe a support group. And I got a hold of Toys for tots and signed up but they can only take care of my 12 year old daughter and my 6 year old boy. My 15 year old daughter is too old but I'll figure that out. They are my inspiration, my reason to live. My family is close and they know I'm hurting. They just don't know how bad. In my life there has been many people I cared for die. I think it all caught up and hit me at once. The counselor ask who all had passed away that I had loved. I sat there and it dawned on me alot. It started in about middle school. My older brother had a best friend that shot himself. It was my brothers friend but I really liked him. Then in high school my best friend Troy and his cousin were drinking and got in a fight and his cousin shot him. Then out of high school my grandma died of a stroke, then my brother had an accident at work and died. Then about 2 years later my uncle died of cancer, then my grandpa died of cancer bout a year later. Then it was quiet for a while. I'm not sure I dealt with the anger and hurt at the time. Then a really good friend I worked with and hung out with had a motorcycle accident and was killed. Then about 5 years ago my best friend killed hisself. He was my age at the time. Over a cheating wife. Then mom and then Derrick. I know that all sounds made up but I can prove everyone of them. My ol bible is full of Funeral cards. They are falling out. "So now what" I ask her. She said we'd talk. Hopefully I can get this worked out. The feelings come and go. But never fully leave. Thank you all so much for you advice. Your all angels sent here from God. When I wrote that question I was hurting unbearably. At least I know I'm not alone. This is for
mom.
Remember Her...
MARY LOU JAGGERS MEREDITH
OCTOBER 8, 1953- AUGUST 16TH, 2015
She would have been proud I found this place and she would've been thankful you all cared enough to reach out. Thanks again.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
MM, I just read an article about hospice and it said they provide a year's worth of counseling bereavement services for someone who has passed on using hospice. It looks like you should have a few months left to get help from them and if their is a fee, I'm sure Medicare would take care of it since it's provided by hospice. Please check it out and see. Also, You should be able to sign up for toys for tots or other organizations that provide toys and Christmas gifts for people who can afford to do any more than they are already doing now. you have to get past this season and 2016 should be a better to look forward to and you'll be in a much better place for the holidays next year.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Thank you I will be checking in. I think it's mostly the holidays that are kicking me so gard right now. But I know I will make it. I always have somehow. All the stress added up on me wuick, especially since I'm used to getting up in the morning and going to work. My whole world flipped upside down. But I am looking for a job and I'll get in a new routine. I'll look around for a counselor but if it's not free I can't do it. I'm not even sure how to pull off Christmas yet. It'll all come together. Your concern brought tears to my eyes and means alot. Thank you everyone.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
MM, I think you have had more than your share of heartache lately and you need some help. You've had good advice to go to counseling at your church or your hospice. Check with the hospital and ask if they have a chaplain, minister or someone who can counsel you. Try to find comfort in your Mom's last words. You say she held onto your hand so you wouldn't leave. She knew the end was near and she was talking to God. We don't really know but she may have been holding on to you and talking to Him, asking for help for you. Please don't give up now. You have a wife and 3 kids. They don't need to lose you too. Start taking your dad out for long walks if you can. Both of you need to get out in the sun. I lost my husband and mother in the same year about 5 months apart. I was a basket case and almost lost my job because I starting crying at a moment's notice. I went to the doctor and asked for something to help my nerves. I told them I had a job that I needed to keep and I had children to take care of. I was given an anti-depressant to use for about 6 months and it works wonders. One of the things that helped me was moving to another town. My dad who was 71, came to live with me and it was fine for the first 5 years but later I went thru the beginnings of dementia as you are now. You just do what you can do and ask your siblings to step in when you feel you need a break. If you don't have siblings, maybe there is a family member who will take your father for a weekend or week even so you can get some down time. Going to a different place, with new people, new job, new house, new everything was a godsend for me. It took awhile but I finally began to come out from under the cloud of grief as you will. Let your wife help you. Talk with her about it, cry about it and think she's in a better place now. She was calling for her God to be with her and if you could see her now, she is happy. Talk to your doctor first and ask for an anti-depressant and then maybe he could recommend someone to talk to about your grief. There are groups that you can go to as well. Don't give up, your wife and children still need you to be Dad as long as possible. Your dad needs you now too. Remember the saying that God will never give you more than you can bear so you will come out of this. Good luck. Come back in a month or two and let us all know how you're getting on and what help you've received, will you? We care.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Try contacting the Hospice you had when you brought your Mom home. Usually they are there for the whole family when the patient passes away. They should have a Social Worker, Bereavment Counseler,Chaplain or all three. Go to their office and ask for help. My husband is a big old country boy. 6 foot 5 and 240LBS. Strongest man I have ever known but when his Dad died in April he folded like a house of cards. The Hospice that cared for his Dad has helped him SO much. Call or go to the Hospice you used in the morning. Let them help you or find you some help.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
MM I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom in May of this year. While I am functioning I am still so full of grief. My biggest comfort is God. If I didn't have faith I would not of gotten through this. You said your Mom's last words were God. Maybe take that as your cue. Ask God to comfort you.

In the meantime seek out counselling. I know there is free counselling. Check with your hospital or your primary physician. Take care of your physical health. Get up and go outside for a walk. Sometimes just getting up and moving helps.

Don't give up. I know its hard. Trust me.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
No since I lost my job I an between insurances. We are barely staying afloat financially. So no, there is no help for me. My wife don't even understand why I am taking it this hard. I'm mad at myself for being this way. I'm a big ol country boy from Ky. I am supposed to be strong. But mom was the one that I went to in times of stress. I have no outlet now. I don't drink or do drugs. There is just no comfort in any direction.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Have you seen YOUR primary care physician since your Mom passed away?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
MM, grief is hard and you have had your share and now taking care of Dad. Since he is a veteran he will probably qualify for some veteran's benefits. Caring for him when the death of your Mom is so hard on you is too much. There must be a veterans assisted living near you. Check on that for your dad.

Your first responsibility is to your wife and children. How are they coping with dad in the house? Check into grief support groups offered through many churches and hospice have groups as well. Also, check into private counseling to help you work through all of the losses you are dealing with. Stay strong and take care of you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter