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This is what I am asking myself lately. I am the caregiver of my 88 year-old mother who has several health issues for the last 10 years. She is now beginning to show sign of decline (doesn't remember what she foes). I do not know how many times I had to call for an ambulance. Last year she got a pacemaker. Joking I told her she would live to be 100 but I probably won't reach 50. It was just a joke but after the death of 2 friends I am afraid I will never live my life... I am seeing a psychologist to help me with crying and anxiety crisis. Sorry for the mistakes I may make but I am Italian. That was just to introduce myself and ask what your strategies are. I used to go to the gym and meet friends but covid has made this impossible for months. I should go back to my loved fit-karate lessons next Wednesday.

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Our Health system is probably lots different then yours. We have Medicaid here that helps with getting facility care for our LOs when its too much for us.

We have Office of Aging to help with resources and Social Services. If you have something similar I would check it out. If Mom has Dementia she should not be left alone. They are unpredictable. Your energy should be aimed toward your teenager. These are years you can't recover.
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Anche71 Sep 2020
Thank you JoAnn, we have something similar here. I tried 3 years ago to have her join a daily center for elderly once a week but she did not like it. I got in touch last Thursday with a center that organizes meetings like "cognitive training" to help people when showing the first signs of cognitive decline. Unluckily everything has been stopped because of covid! I know they also organize temporary acceptance of 15 days to give caregiver families the possibility of a short holidays. I planned doing this in 2021 as my husband and myself will turn 50, my son 18 and it will be our 20th wedding anniversary. Hope it will be possible despite this deadly virus.
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Has it occurred to you that you may have reached your limitations? Your joke tickled me, but it is unfortunately true. I don't know what to say to you. Your therapist, if he or she is any good will guide you in the decisions you must make now for your Mom and your own life, and will help you with acceptance. Remember, the word is GRIEF, not guilt. Guilt assumes that there is something other you could do, and grief recognizes that you have little you can do given you are a human and not a Saint. Saints are lovely. We can shoot them full of arrows, kill them, and then spend eternity praying to them to fix everything. But is is a bad job to apply for.
I think you are coming to a knowledge that this cannot go on much longer. Ask your therapist to help you with acceptance in this life passage. You have a decision. Sacrifice your own life to your mother, or have a life, and do the best for your Mom as you are able.
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Anche71 Sep 2020
Thank you, your words are wise and helpful. I know I'm not all mighty but sometimes feelings are stronger than reason... I know I am doing a lot, a friend of mine who is a nurse told me my mother would have died long ago if it wasn't for me. My brain tells me I do my best and that's life my heart doesn't not always follow though.
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All of us in areas of severe Covid numbers feel like you do about the change this awful disease has made in our lives.

You have the additional concerns of caring for someone who is very ill.

You owe it to yourself to FIND OUT about care alternatives in your area, so that as your mother’s condition progresses, you can do whatever you can to keep her safe and comfortable, but ALSO provide for yourself, spouse, and child.

Although services in your area may be very overworked because of the Covid crisis, you may find that even having a “visitor” to keep her company may help you feel better yourself. Knowing what resources may become available in the future may help you deal with the stress you are feeling now.

It is easy to forget, when caring for a Loved One with serious needs, that you have a responsibility FOR YOURSELF, and for the rest of your family. Sometimes in a situation like yours, we fall into the habit of letting the care of our elderly become so important that we forget.

It is wonderful that you are seeing a psychologist. It is very hard to accept that we cannot always do all that we want to in the face of serious illness. If you make decisions with love and consideration and also with all of the information you have about your mother’s situation AND what you can do to balance those decisions with the needs of the rest of the family living together with her, you can be at peace that you have done your best.

Welcome here!
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Anche71 Sep 2020
Thank you so much for answering me! I tried three years ago to send her once a week to a center for elderly people but she did not like it. I am now looking for someone who can stay with her when the rest of the family is at work/school. Hope I will find a good solution for both of us.
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