Dad's memory is horrible. He takes his medicine 1/2 the time (thyroid & a acid reducer) and isn't eating well. I make him sandwiches and a roast with veggies and buy snack food for him. He eats the sandwiches, forgets the roast is there and snacks on mostly meats (Costco chicken, hot dogs, salami, etc). Of course, he has his 12 pk of light beer every day. He'd rather fill up on beer than eat. He is sleeping more during the day but that could be because he takes a sleeping pill at night. He shuffles his feet when walking and talks about dying all day long. My husband and I are exhausted dealing with him and his properties. We have been repairing a mobile home on his property (rental) every weekend for the past 4 months. He cannot remember how to do repairs; he used to build houses doing it all himself (plumbing, electrical, construction, etc). How long can he last this way? I feel guilty that I want this over. He is very stubborn and doesn't want any help except from us. No hired help (no lawn guys, no cleaning lady). I'm so tired.
I fixed her meds in a tray every week. There was nothing wrong with her mentally. She was just sick, tired, and ready to go "Home." They called me to the AL once saying they thought she had had a stroke and was acting "out of it." I got there as quickly as I could. She was slurring her words and telling her friends that she was not going to the ER! I hugged her and asked her what was wrong. She said she didn't know, but she would be OK. I looked into her eyes, and her pupils were little pin points. I asked her if she remembered taking her medicine and if she were sure she took the right ones. She said she wasn't sure, but she thought she did. I told all of them that she had taken her morning or night medicine, but I was going to take her to the ER just to be sure. She was going to refuse to go with me, so I got out my phone and said it's with me or the ambulance. She was so angry with me, but she went with me. I told the ER doctor to take a urine an blood test, and he would see what the problem was. After hours of her lying there and our teleconferencing with a neurologist, the ER doctor said it looked as if Dr. Daughter were right. They kept her overnight anyway, for observation. That was when I started ordering her meds from the pharmacy that delivered to the AL. The meds were in sealed packages and marked AM, Noon, and PM. Eventually, she had to have assistance with bathing and getting dressed. As I said, my mom didn't have any mental loss; she was just obstinate and physically declining.. Your dad already is declining mentally and is only going to get worse.
Your dad reminds me of my stubborn husband about getting someone to mow the yard and doing things we can't do any more. He's 88, and I am pushing 70. We just can get out in the heat and do things like we used to do. So, I just went to the neighbor and told her to tell the young man who cuts her yard to not even ask, but to go ahead and mow our yard also. I would pay him personally, and not to listen to the man of the house! It gets to the point that you have to do some things like that or your yard would never get mowed and house would never get cleaned. (I am working on decluttering so that I can have some professional help in the house now!) So, remember he is not going to make a reasonable decision, and you go ahead and make the best one for him. If he gets angry, smile and say you were tired of seeing the tall grass.
You really have a lot on your plate and a lot to learn. I think I speak for everyone here in saying that you have found a world of support and suggestions to help you. So, keep on leaning on us. You will find that others have been down that road before, and you will make it, too. All my best to you.
Lose the car keys, disable the car, if you want to get really tough love report him to the police. What he really needs is to be admitted to detox, I'm afraid just cutting him off could cause DT's. And as Baba said, contact the doctor.
Ask the doctor what the best way for dad to get help, as you and husband will be moving away in a week.
Don´t allow yourself to be thrown under the bus by your own dad.
That is what he is doing. No fair for hubby. No fair for you to allow it.
It is not UP TO YOU to fix his problems. He has managed to create them, specifically speaking: overdrinking.
What is going to happen when he goes to the NH and he has alcoholic withdrawals???? He is going to go insane. Not your fault.
Buying the beer makes you an enabler. Letting him drive to go buy it? Same thing.
If APS gets involved, investigates, and gets to find out you are part of this destructive equation..........I am not sure into how much trouble you could get.
Tough Love is needed. Quick!
M 8 8
What advice would you give someone elso who reported those facts to you?
I'd call APS and report him as a vulnerable adult.
May I ask who is purchasing the 12 packs of beer that your Dad has every day? Does your Dad still drive?
How long can your Dad last that way? I have a feeling the Alzheimer's/Dementia isn't going to create a crises, but the beer drinking will as it has a heavy impact on ones system. Your Dad has insomnia, mental confusion, loss of coordination, doesn't want to eat... all side effects from over use of beer.
And it is time for you and hubby to stop helping with all the house and lawn work. At time we tend to enable our parent to keep up their lifestyle while we have to change our own. Of course your Dad won't hire a lawn guy, he has your hubby... of course your Dad won't hire a cleaning crew, he has you.
Mutual funds can be withdrawn easily and might be an option though.
And think over whatever any financial planner advises and make your own decisions.
Tip for leaving food. I learned to wrap the dish in clear plastic so she could see the food. Anything covered with foil or lid she would not see or think to look underneath and it would go to waste.
I do hate to say that often a severe decline or crisis is needed in order to have the person in a position that you can help them.
And I agree, don't move in with him or move him in with you. You lives would be over for God only knows how long. You may have already done so, but try and get all the legal and financial stuff in order, will, POA, end of life directives and all the rest.
Yes, it's dangerous to be drinking and taking sleeping pills but when you are dealing with an impossible person then "oh well..." That sounds cold, I know, but dad is dealing with his loneliness and depression "his way". What can I do. Perhaps force him into a home, where he'd just walk out. (and they won't take an alcoholic anyway).
Yes, he did get all the paperwork in place. DNR, Living Trust, POA, etc.
I talk about him moving to where we live (90 minutes away) and how his inlaws lived with HIM and mom. He wants us to move in with him but that would be a 4 hour commute for my husband and I don't want that. Plus living with him would drive me insane. Our lives are up here. His life is down there. Why should I have to leave all my friends and church to take care of him? I won't do it.
I could hire help for him, 2-3 hrs, a day but he needs someone there 24/7. That's too expensive. So, we go down every weekend and a couple of neighbors check on him. Until something serious happens I guess this is it. I am in the process of selling one of his properties to have funds for his care. He agreed to it (since he neglected the home and it needs thousands of $$ in repairs now and he can't do it himself he's agreed to sell it. He thinks he's going to "take off a go on vacation" (driving himself by the way to Oregon, WA and OK). I can't wait for the conversation about where to put the money. It worries me how to invest it so it will be safe. Financial planner, here I come.
I'd be extremely concerned with a dementia patient being in charge of taking their own meds, especially sleeping pills. He could forget that he already took it and take it again. That is very risky, IMO. I'd discuss his physical symptoms and medication issues with his doctor.
It's likely that eventually, you will not only be taking care of his properties, but of him as he progresses. Eventually, the person is not able to care for any of their needs, including bathing, toileting, feeding etc. I'd discuss it with your husband and see an Elder Law attorney. Do you have Durable POA and Healthcare POA? I would think you would need those things in order to care for him and his affairs/properties.