Mamma is on her 11th year of living with my husband and me. Since my daddy died, our lives have revolved around mamma. We have moved twice, both times building a house that included a bedroom, living room, and handicapped bathroom just for her.
My mother just entered in-home hospice. I am bathing her, taking her to the toilet, dressing her, etc... I am feeling guilty because I want this to all be over for her (to relieve suffering) and for us (so we can get our life back and spend more time with our kids and grandkids). We are both so utterly exhausted.
I feel so bad because, today, I was looking at the average timelines for preactive and active death, trying to determine when we all might have some relief. My worst fear nowadays is that this situation will drag out.
What is wrong with me?!?!?!
I would have a frank conversation with her hospice team. The Holidays are coming. If she is not truly in her last days, perhaps they could arrange for her to spend a few days in a facility so you could spend time with your kids and grandkids.
Again, please don’t feel guilty because of how you feel. Sending hugs...
You say, "If she is not truly in her last days..." How do I know? She is sleeping more, is weak, is delusional, hurting, is eating / drinking very little, and saying that "God is calling her and it won't be long." Does that sound longer term?
compassion, endurance etc. I am trusting that it’s necessary for my own growth as a human. It makes it easier if I can know this is somehow for my benefit too and when his time comes I know I will feel light as a feather but I’m sure I’ll also feel sad that he’s gone.
Just a note; if your mother is under hospice care, THEY should be bathing her, not you. A CNA should be coming in 2x a week to do that very thing, and helping out with various other duties as well.
Wishing you all the best as you help your dear mother transition to the next phase of her eternal life. Death is not the 'end'........just a new beginning.
I am bathing mom as a gift to her as she usually enjoys being really clean. I would even add a few drops of lavender essential oil to her lotion and blow her hair dry.
I think that is about to change. She wanted me to hurry last night as she felt really bad. She has been very weak and is hurting. So, the CNA baths might really be what she needs now.
It goes into some details and the explanations are nice.
Now that your mom is on Hospice there is the ability to take advantage of a great Medicare benefit...Respite. Medicare will pay for Respite while on Hospice. So please ask the Nurse or Social Worker about that.
To your last question..statement. There is NOTHING wrong with you.
It is not wrong to wish..hope..the ordeal be over. I hesitate to use the word "suffering" I think with dementia because the memory is gone the person WITH dementia does not suffer as we think of it but it is the family, the loved ones that see this disease destroy the one we love that suffer. The one we love is but a shell. We are caring for the body. All I know is that my Husband would not have wanted to be as he was if he were aware, the last few years I think all he "knew" was that there was a person that cared for him, held his hand and was kind to him.
There are signs of EOL..(End of Life) and while coloration of the skin is a good indicator, particularly what is called a Kennedy Ulcer is an indicator. Eating, or I should say not eating or drinking is another. She will refuse food, close her mouth or turn her head. Offer but do not force her to eat. Offer fluids, I would guess she is on thickened fluids. Again offer but do not force.
It is comfort now that should be the goal.
Be kind to yourself.
You have done nothing wrong.
Your thoughts are not wrong.
As long as you can say honestly at the end of the day that you did the best you could that is all anyone could ask.
My caregiving days just ended not long ago, not happily, but that is another story. I feel your pain! I truly do!
I had mom in my home for nearly 15 years and cared for her in her home along with my dad for many years before that. So I get it!
I also cared for my oldest brother. He had hospice. At the end of his life he went into an ‘end of life’ facility that was a Godsend! Does your hospice organization offer that?
Please inquire about this and take advantage of it.
I hear in your posting that you are headed for a breakdown, burning out or both! Trust me, I understand. I burned out. Please do not feel any guilt or shame over what you are feeling. Yeah, I know, easier said than done. I went through exactly what you did as far as emotions. It’s so hard! Very hard! Extremely hard!
I wish the very best for you when your caregiver days are over. You will grieve. That’s normal too. You may experience more guilt, the dreaded ‘what if’s?’ You will experience relief. That too is normal.
Please if you can, look into respite care as well. Does your hospice organization offer this? If they do, I strongly urge you to take advantage of it.
Hugs! More hugs and more hugs!
Try to get respite and rest up. We are always emotional when we are exhausted and you have been doing 24/7/365 for 11 years, wow, you are a strong woman and you need a break to finish the race.
May God give you strength and wisdom during this difficult time.
Your thoughts are VERY NORMAL.
OK, she was a terrible mother and there is no peace between DH and his mom. There won't be, either. It's very sad.
He will go see her and come home utterly despondent. The time to make things right between them is passed. She is living alone, for now, but one more fall and that's it--she'll be in a NH for the rest of her life. She's nearly 90, this should not be a surprise to anyone, but they all act shocked she's slid so quickly.
And I would be there as much as possible, but she has cut me out of the loop and told all who listen, she will not have "that woman" in her home.
There is NOTHING wrong with you for feeling tired and depressed about the upcoming days/weeks/months. A caring person would feel sad and conflicted. Just shows you have a heart.
Your mom has lived a long good life and you’re doing your best. My thoughts are she would not like for you to neglect your life and health. I decided I had to have balance and realize my dad is at the end of what was a good 96 years. He’s being cared for and that’s enough. He lived a carefree life at my age and I intend to enjoy my life too.