Visiting mom with Alzheimer’s dementia is now too stressfull, I don’t know how to handle the blaming and negativity and have tried everything. She is quite aware of her surroundings and continually complains to me during visits BUT acts wonderful with my siblings. She seems quite normal until she throws in a delusion or two. I know she has Alzheimer’s dementia but to me she is the same mom I have always known but now her behavior is exaggerated and delusions so real that her lies are believable.
When my adult children go to visit her she bad mouths myself and husband for putting her in memory unit. We did not, the AL said there was no choice and she had to go there due to her falls and delusions. To make matters worse, the memory unit does not want her to leave the premises for 6 weeks. As a result I am blamed for trapping her, not doing anything for her ...
Do I simply stay away or visit only every 3 weeks like my sibling does? I have tried to ignore it, change topics, agree with everything she says...
My heart races when I am with her and the constant negativity is taking a toll on me giving me asthma attacks.
I don’t feel like visiting her but yet I can’t abandon her.
I usually see her at least 2 times a week but then she asks me to do many errands for her adding extra visits.
I quickly began relaying to my DW and children, as to what my wishes were. I spoke with family on many subjects as we were doing our estate planning at the time of my diagnosis. The big topic for me was the healthcare planning for the future and when I need to be placed in Memcare. I told them, visit infrequently and that means not every week or even every month. My preference would be to make visits inconvenient by placing me in a facility 100 miles away from our home. I won't know whether you visited or not.
Yes, I know rare visits at unpredictable times are best. My mother was DON for a Catholic SNF when I was growing up. Show up at 3am some morning just to see what is going on, next visit be on a weekend mid day. Mix them up and don't call in advance. I do not want the world to revolve around me 24/7. I want my DW to go ahead and begin to make a new life for herself, now. She is in her early 50's, and in good health. I have an adult child in his late 30's, two in college and one going in to 6th grade. The youngest is just beginning life, the college kids are on their way to beginning their own adult careers.
I want my DW to get a start on planning for her life after I am no longer able to be an active participant in life, she has a lot to offer a future partner. I'd rather she spend time enjoying her future, rather than spending time on me who won't even remember she was there. I want my children to go forward with their own lives and live it to their fullest. These are the wishes I have expressed to my family. Perhaps some readers will see this and decide to begin this difficult discussion with their DH early, upon diagnosis so you get on the same page and do what is best for each other. My opinion, but, definitely one I've shared with all of my children old enough to understand, and of course my DW.
I hope your loved ones understand and appreciate the rare gem in their midst. You appear to be a man of great integrity and honour to plan your future as you have. So many are tied to their family members in care homes by guilt often far more than love. You have made it so that is never an issue going forward. That is a priceless gift that will impact the rest of their lives as well as the lives of their children.
Than-q for sharing your story. My heart hurts for you and your loved ones with your being so young at diagnosis. It sounds like you have the strength and spirit to make the most of your life while you are able. I hope you have many more years of love and laughter with your family!
I wish you peace, love and healing light! XO
I’m sure your family knows what’s going on and they put no credence into what she’s saying. She probably not lying. She’s saying what she believes is true. Your family understands that her brain is broken and that she is angry.
Should you cut down your visits? Yes. They are stressing you out too much. She has other visitors. What errands does she send you on? If they are simply to purchase things for her, delivery can wait until you visit. You shouldn’t have to make a special trip. When she starts the blaming and negativity, no matter how often you decide to visit, make up a reason you need to leave and go. Self-preservation. I would not be in a hurry to take her out of the facility. She is not of the mind frame to go back willingly.
You must understand that she is angry and lashing out. You happen to be her unlucky target. You can’t fix it or her. You can stop trying to, though, before you make yourself really sick. If you need to find out how she is, call her nurse. That’s what I used to do, and they never minded.
They want mom to stay in because she must be experiencing difficulties when you leave. This is a common request. My mom got too delusional and agitated after returning from trips out and they were stopped.
Discover Amazon. She may enjoy getting packages to unwrap with things she needs.
Her meds are great now but she still doesn’t understand why she is there, that’s the heartbreaker.
Anyways, I’ll definitely look for a support group as well but all of your responses have helped me a great deal. Thank you!
Just like when you were a child I bet she did not give into your every request.
When you go to visit early in the week bring a note pad and write down what she needs and what she wants. Tell her it might take a while to get all these things done but as soon as you have everything you will bring them.
When you return bring the items she needs and maybe some of the want items. And if she has new items to add to the list pull out the note pad and start the list that you will bring next time.
It is also possible that the reason she is asking you to run these errands is she knows that you will return. As much as she bad mouths she wants you back. By telling her that it will take a while to get everything on the list and bringing a "lot" of stuff back it will look like you have spent a few days gathering the items.
If there are things that she constantly asks for you might be able to stock pile them so you don't have to run out to get each thing you can "shop from home".
If my mother had been violent I might have had to turn to a memory care nursing facility (assuming costs could have somehow been managed). I would still have gone every day to the place and even if I did not actually visit her, I'd be there to see how she was being treated. If you don't do that, the overworked, underpaid, and occasionally uncaring staff is going to let some things slide and perhaps even be less than careful with her care. This is true for even the very best of facilities.