How much should a care giver defend a parent's privacy from other family members?
A granddaughter-in-law "discovered" I serve my mother a large bowl of raisin bran crunch cereal (with extra raisins added) on Sunday nights because I'm "too lazy to fix her something". I told her all of Mom's blood tests are fine and her weight is stable so her overall diet is fine and Mom has eaten a smaller meal following Sunday's big family dinner for decades. Then I refused to say more and cut GDIL off when she starting going after my mother "you don't really want to eat just that cereal do you?"
I could have added the raisin bran aids Mom in having a bowel movement in the morning before going out the door to adult day care. I feel Mom's bodily functions are her private business which I have a view into as a caregiver, but this is not information to be distributed and discussed throughout the family.
When Mom fell and permanently damaged her knee to the point she will need a walker for the rest of her life, I shared all the medical information with my co-POA sibling and discussed why I had chosen to accept the doctor's advice and avoid the surgery required for any hope of walking normally again. I told the extended family of the fall and Mom would require a walker from now on but didn't go into all the reasons she wasn't a good surgical candidate.
How much personal information should a caregiver provide to extended family members not involved in her care?
8 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Elderly Brother and Sister living together. Both refuse to discuss or work on an elder care plan of action. Any suggestions?
- Soon I will have surgery that will require 6-10 weeks for recovery. My condition is becoming more painful, but I haven't moved ahead. Thoughts?
- The plot thickens, Now have three to care for and several households. Any advice?
- The nursing home where mother resides requested that I & other family members provide 4 to 5 hrs a day of on-site care for her. Advice?
You are so correct that it is none of her business why you do anything for your mom.
I have to say that I don't think much of a mother that thinks you are mistreating your mom but she is happy to have you caring for her 5 children. I can't imagine where she draws her boundaries from, personal convenience apparently.
I like cereal just about anytime, it is nutritious and filling without being heavy, yep, sounds like a bad meal. Sheesh!
Kudos to you for not biting onto her crappy bait. That says a whole lot about you. Well done!
Hold on a minute as I let the steam come out of my ears so my head doesn’t explode!
You are handling this admirably.
And yes, not anyone else’s beeswax.
Jeez, GS and GDIL should be kissing your feet. I would be hard-pressed to take care of FIVE of anyone’s kids alongside an elderly charge.
I will be over shortly to smack GDIL.
That is all:D
TNtechie you have the patience of a saint!
Or, they're just unhappy, often resentful people.
I think you did well not to poke the little baggage in the eye. How dare she?
Is she around a lot, or can you just dismiss this incident as her having a very great deal to learn about elder care, personal choices (your mother's, in this instance) and basic good manners?
I don't actually think that particular event is about sharing information, I think it's about a fool rushing in where angels would properly fear to tread. Has she been a member of the family for very long? Does her career background or training explain her presumptuousness?
Goodness, I feel indignant for you!
In the heat of the moment, I was tempted to educate her about bran cereals and their relationship to BMs, but decided to protect my mother's privacy instead - which prompted my question about how much information others share with the extended family.
Really, as an in-law, its none of her business. But, someone in ur family must have felt that cereal was not enough.
That spun over into personal and family calls, and I'm so glad I documented when a sibling refused to help, for whatever reasons.
Food, specific cereals, and daily activities were I felt none of anyone's business since no one was involved to the point of making decisions or recommendations on those issues.
What I aimed for was apprising close relatives when a significant change occurred, but I only discussed details with my niece, who was an RN at that time (now she's close to being an NP, graduates this year).
I felt that unless anyone was very well acquainted with Dad's medical history, they weren't in any position to opine on his activities or treatment. And when someone did, it was usually so far off base that it wasn't even relevant.
However, I knew what would happen after my father died. I tested the only one of concern, asking for help, years before when caring really became challenging. I did it by e-mail so it was documented. I got no help, some suggestions which weren't helpful, but I was specifically documenting the refusal to help. And one suggestion was so close to being illegal that it made my hair stand on end.
What your GDIL feels about meals is none of her business, unless there were evidence of neglect, which I don't believe is possible after reading most of your posts here. You're very thorough, but also very practical and adaptable. I can't conceive of any instance in which your mother would be neglected.
And BTW, my father always had nothing but bread and milk for Sunday evening dinner; it was what his mother fed them when they were growing up, and I realized it created strong ties to family, of which my father was the last in his generation.
Did GDIL explain why she felt cereal was inadequate for dinner? Did she make any recommendations, or just complain? Has she ever volunteered to help? Are there tasks in which she could help, but you know she won't so that asking her would cause her to refuse, which you could document?
That really isn't as sneaky as it may seem; you're protecting yourself and your mother from someone who may not have the qualifications to care for an older person, but you're also reminding her that she lacks standing to judge you.
Personally, it sounds like she's trying to build a case, for what I don't know, but be careful with her, and don't let her visit your mother alone.
It's so unfortunate that families don't come together when a member ages. But as we've read here, we're not the only ones that experience this. And I would restrict any updates or information to just general levels. You'll probably never know how GDIL found out about the cereal meals.
AhmiJoy andWorried expressed my feelings very succinctly; I totally agree with both of them.
Info should be on a Need to Know, and others not involved in care certainly aren't on a dinner contents NtK basis.
GDIL finds something I'm doing wrong every time she walks through my door, whether it's how I launder the clean up cloths when Mom was bed-bound following her fall or giving Mom too many sweets or not raising the lift chair above normal chair height or making Mom use the walker inside the house instead of the wheel chair or this time only feeding her cereal. I use my best manners while standing my ground, often ending the discussion with "I understand your point, but that's not what I have decided to do." I don't think she's really trying to build a case, just trying to be an "expert". She been upset with me since she found out years ago the world was so unfair I earned more money from my BS and problem solving skills than she did from her masters degree. I don't leave her alone with Mom ever.
Personally, I don't see a problem with cereal as an evening meal; if it's good enough for breakfast then it's good enough whenever. My mother doesn't care for milk, but she consumes milk over cereal and loves cottage cheese, so I include one or the other in our meals most days. Her PCP has told me not to worry if she does go to sleep without eating an evening meal as missing a meal every once is a while isn't a problem for a non-diabetic, particularly when there's fruit and cracker snacks available on the bedside table. Mom often tells me she is not really hungry, but will usually eat at least half of anything I prepare for her. She has always had a sweet tooth, so I include ice cream or a milkshake, cookies, fudge, cake, muffins, etc. as an afternoon snack. Her 5 year old great-grandson likes sweets too and makes a point of visiting during snack time. I want her to enjoy her life as much as possible.
I'm not worried about being reported to APS for neglect; already happened (estranged brother) for leaving Mom alone in the house. APS found no basis for concern and had no problem with my leaving Mom alone for brief periods (even with her limited mobility) primarily because of the monitored security system and cell phone setups I have in place. APS SW told me she had never saw a home setup that anticipated and addressed a senior's care needs as well and much better than most ALs. With Mom attending adult day care, the transport and PT people, and my brother and aunt visiting at least once a week, I believe there's enough people seeing her and in and out of our house to attest Mom has all the care she needs.
Since you can’t trust people not to try to cause issues, make sure any visits are supervised by you. As POA, it is part of your obligation to maintain her privacy in all matters. Those who have no responsibility for her care don’t need to know.