My 86-year-old mother recently fell, damaged her rotor cuff and does not have good use of her left arm/hand during recovery. Mom has MCI but her primary problem is short-term memory. I purchased a lift assist recliner since she cannot sleep laying flat in a bed for several weeks. Because of her short-term memory problems, it took Mom a few days to get accustomed to the chair and use the control to raise and lower the recline. There are a couple of other chairs Mom has been using her arms to push out of where that is much harder only pushing with one arm. I have been providing an arm for her to "pull" her way up because she is so much more stable getting to her feet that way. I do not pull Mom up just provide a "mobile" grab bar.
I have a grand-nephew just a couple months short of 14 who is Mom's oldest great-grandchild and has always been fairly responsible - good "big brother" and "big cousin" with younger children. He lived with me a number of years during his father's divorce and remarriage and only recently moved back in next door with his father and stepmother (he lived with me and Grandma for over 2 years so he is familiar with her memory problems). One of the reasons I relocated next to his father's home after Mom came to live with me was so that he could occasionally help me when he grew older by staying in the house with his great-grandmother when the day comes I don't feel comfortable leaving her alone while I run to the store or he could pick up the groceries when he has a drivers license. I have no intention of ever asking him to provide hands-on caregiving for my mother, although he started bringing her the newspaper every morning before school and will occasionally help her with her shoes or find her glasses on his own initiative.
Although my Mom normally stays by herself when I work in the office or go shopping or out for a movie, I did not feel comfortable leaving her alone immediately following her fall when she was still adjusting to doing things without using her left arm and seemed to be just a bit off her normal good balance. So I asked my grand-nephew to stay with Mom and help be that mobile grab bar while I went to the grocery store. I should also probably add that my grand-nephew is 4 inches taller than I and 155 lbs of solid muscle so he's as physically capable (or maybe more so) than I am.
My question is this - is he old enough at nearly 14 to keep an eye on and help Grandma for 60-90 minutes with his father and stepmother in the house next door? Am I expecting too much of him at too young an age? He has never lost patience with Mom even when she asks him the same question 2-3 times in an hour. He was in the house when Mom fell (as I was) and helped me get her up into a chair using a sheet wrapped around her waist and support under the uninjured arm - very concerned and helpful at the time and didn't seem to be upset afterwards. He was already at my house to watch a movie when I asked him to stay with my Mom until I got back. I told him if Grandma fell again while I was out of the house to not move her and call his father or stepmother.
I want him to learn that family members help each other in many small ways - Grandma sewing up a rip in his favorite school jacket, his carrying in groceries, my driving him to football practice or helping him with a school project. But I don't want to cross the line and make him feel responsible for Grandma's care or put him in a situation he's not emotionally capable of handling.
Yeah it sounds over the top but even good kids are curious. School peers are more influential then parents at this age. Better to be safe then sorry.
However, it does sound to me like you are grooming him to be Grandma’s caregiver, even relocating closer and making plans for the future for his care of Grandma. This is what bothers me. He sounds like the sort of young an who has been taught to respect his elders and obey them. He may believe he is not allowed to say “no”.
You may want to have him take a Red Cross first aid course if he’s willing. Or even a babysitting course. Accidents happen and he should know what to do. If Grandma is showing mental decline, he needs to understand she may say things that are “off the wall” so to speak and know how to deal with that. And if the mental decline continues, he should no longer be charged with “watching her”.
I would wonder how he would deal with a fall that produced a bloody head wound, an injured shoulder is not messy and a responsible adult was present. You say he didn't seem upset later, I have never met a 13 year old young man that would be willing to show or tell anyone that something shook him up, just not cool or manly. If he is still willing to share all of his feelings with an adult woman, I would say that the maturity is probably not there.
I think that if you decide to pursue him as a babysitter you should be very sure that his parents and him all agree and find the time and conditions appropriate. Time with our elders can be very enriching, unless we are an unwilling participant.
Just my thought, it bugs me you actually planned a move based on a child helping you in this situation. Makes me think you will not take no for an answer based on the calculations behind the scene.
He's old enough to learn responsibility and compassion for others.
RayLin's comments made me think about how much the world has changed for young people, my mother (and most of her peers) finished school at 14 and left home to work. No, it's not something I would recommend to any young person today but I don't think our teens today are less capable or resilient.
A bit of a back story here...My Mom died when I was 11, my Grandma was living with us and she also was not well. I grew up caring for the family as well as watching my Dad care for his MIL. All the while watching my Dad get sicker, he died 4 years after my Mom. Looking back I probably would not have wanted it any other way because that has led me to where I am today. But I did miss out on a lot of stuff.
Ask him what he is comfortable doing.
Keep the time short that he is watching Grandma.
Make sure that he knows that he is to do "hands on" care. Imagine how he would feel if helping Grandma out of a chair she or he lost balance or she let go and she fell. Or just by chance it was the time when she broke her hip. (Most hip fractures are a break and fall not a fall and break and that can happen when you turn wrong).
Also you might want to find out what the regulations in your State are, can a 14 year old be left alone? (I know technically he would not be "alone" but is his Grandmother able to care for him?)
You hit the nail on the head about different cultures and the family dynamic
It’s not just about the culture you want him to grow up in, but also what his parents, great-grandma, you, and he are comfortable with. Which is as simple as a family sit down meeting to find out what every one thinks.
Personally, my family on both sides has gone to great lengths and sacrifices to maintain ties with family, teaching the younger generation to respect and appreciate our ancestors both living and not. Children need to learn there are others outside of themselves who have needs and require help. It teaches them more than responsibility and compassion. It gives them a sense of self-worth, their place in the world, their connection to something greater than just their short years on this earth, and the reality that our own lives are short and we all grow old. All of these increase his perspective making him a mature and more well rounded person.
I don’t think you can go wrong by having him involved, but how many hours a day and how many days a week is more of a family discussion matter. There’s a balance there and no wrong answer.
I understand tacy022's opinion - but when life throws you a curve ball, things are not always optimal.
My BIL used to come home from School and had to take care of Grandma because his mother had to work - today she would be eligible for SSI, but 60 years ago, it wasn't available. His father had a widow-maker at age 45 and it was just his mother, grandmother and him - no one else to call on at the time. So his mother had a full-time job and had to pay the mortgage (dad never signed the insurance papers before he died) plus take care of a young son and aging mother.
Talk to your grandson to see what he is comfortable doing and sitting and keeping grandma company is not too much to ask.
A 14 yr old girl is old enough to babysit - why can't a 14 yr old boy grandma-sit?
As he stays with grandma while you scoot to the store; it’s not too much to ask.
I remember those time with my GG'Ma. Some of the best stories I have ever heard. She told of her G'Ma walking behind the wagon from Tenn. thru Kentucky. Of injuries and home treatments. Tragic deaths. Looking at the old black and white pictures of relatives and how they dressed.
talks like that could help keep G'Ma out of trouble and relaxed. And with assistance right next door, both should safe and build memories.
You might even consider getting him a voice recorder to document those times.
I wish I had done that.
Just my take on the flip side of the coin.
As long as he really is willing, there is real benefit to him from taking this responsibility. I agree about an hourly rate for his work, to show that you are taking his input seriously; but as he is so young be careful to give him clear guidelines about what he is and isn't expected to do, and have a back-up plan so that you don't end up forcing him to take a shift when he'd really rather be somewhere else.
I recommend you pay him some money, not just food, for his time so he doesn't feel taken advantage of. You would have to pay if you asked a neighbor or hired a caregiver to watch your mother while you went out. So you should pay your grand nephew for doing the same job.
Please make sure before you leave him alone that there is an adult next door. Don't assume. Let them know that you're leaving the nephew to watch his grandma and when you will be back. When you do return, let them know that you're back. What worries me is that he's still a 13 year old.
By the way, if something major happened to your mom, would You as the responsible adult in that household get in trouble with the law for leaving her with a 13 year old? Most likely not, but better to check and make sure it's nothing illegal like elder neglect and child endangerment.
Remember to tell nephew, that there's still the 911 if he needs help fast. Best to write down the house physical address.... When my mom was struggling breathing, I panicked. Easy peasy to call 911 for an ambulance to take her to the ER. I completely 100% forgot my street address or the house number! I've lived here most of my life. And I couldn't remember the home address. When I got home from the hospital, the first thing I did was write the street address and taped it by the telephone.
You might think of all the possible scenarios that could occur (although I suspect you already have as you're very thorough), go over them with him and work out what he could do if they occur. You've probably already got med and doctor lists available for him in the event of a real emergency?
I think this should include a fall, especially if Grandma has a hard fall and is in discomfort. I think we probably differ on this point; I was the sole caregiver and wouldn't have been comfortable helping Dad up with some of the major falls he had. If he could move on his own, I helped him up, but sometimes he just couldn't move. Then I called EMS.
You might want to review what would be the different responses for different falls, i.e., wait until he had help, or an immediate emergency requiring EMS assistance.
I do think this is a good way for him to learn responsibility for caring, eventually for a spouse and his own children, and think that this will help him become a strong and compassionate adult. Kudos to you for handling it this way!