My husband and I are retired. We put our home back east on the market and moved to AZ in late 2007 to look after my very elderly parents in their home. Dad passed in 2009, our home sold later that year, and in 2010 we bought a place in AZ. Parents' home is in the desert, we wanted to be able to do outdoor activities so bought in a cooler area, which is a 2-hr drive (one way) from parents' place. Since then, I stay with Mom at her place to look after her 24/7, and husband stays at our place.
Mom is 95 and although she had a round of medical problems for most of a year during 2013 - 2014 (pneumonia twice, also diagnosed congestive heart failure, had pacemaker and vena cava filter put in place, and she has chronic kidney failure), for the last year she has been doing really well and no additional problems. She was put on oxygen 24/7 a year ago, but for the last couple months only uses it at night because she didn't feel she needed it during the day -- and I agree, as her blood oxygen checks always range around 95 which is really good for her age. I think she was put on the 24/7 oxygen because doctors felt she would deteriorate what with the pneumonia issues and congestive heart failure, but she has actually improved since then.
Prior to the hospitalizations, Mom was fine with traveling from her place to ours a couple of times a month for a 3- to 4-day visit with my husband, but in the last year and a half she doesn't want to do it. All that is required of her is to get into and out of the car, really, because for anything other than a distance of about 20 feet (she will walk short distances) she rides in her roller/walker. She spends her days in a recliner chair and reads or naps, only getting up to be taken to the bathroom and then to get ready for bed at night. The same routine is followed at both homes, she eats the same meals both places, etc.
Both my sisters live in this state, about an hour away from Mom's. They both work full-time. Roughly every 5 to 6 weeks, they will agree to come and look after Mom so that I can go visit my husband and he and I can have some "alone time" together and I can get a couple of days off.
My husband has arranged to fly to FL to visit his older son there for a few days. I asked Mom to be willing for us to go up to our place to look after things and pets during his absence, and she strictly refused to go. So yesterday I needed to go up there and get the pets and bring them to Mom's house -- she didn't like that idea either, but I told her it was either one or the other. She can't be left alone for 5 hours and there is no one I can ask to come and look after her for that period of time. So she had to go along for the ride. The plan was to drive the 2 hours up, relax there for about an hour and stretch our (my) legs, then drive the 2 hours back to her place.
The trip up was just fine until we got about 1/4 mile from the house. Suddenly she asked me if I had brought her oxygen tank, and I hadn't even thought of it because she doesn't use it now during the day. Immediately she said she felt like she was going to pass out. By the time I got to our house -- 5 minutes later -- she was moaning and whimpering. I told her it would be best for her to just stay in the car, and she agreed. I also told her that if she felt faint, to lean forward and put her head down, and she didn't do that.
My husband and I rushed to get the pets loaded up in the car while Mom cried in the front seat. My husband asked her twice how she was doing and she didn't even look at him and didn't reply. However, during this same time she carefully put her sunglasses in her purse and reached for Kleenex tissues without fumbling. Her color was good, she was not gasping for air, etc.
As I was pulling out of the driveway for the return trip, she muttered some "gibberish" in a high voice like a little girl and whimpered incoherently. About 10 minutes later she "came out of it" and asked if we got the dogs, and I said Yes. A few minutes after that, I had to stop for gas and she asked if I was OK and I said Yes and asked if she was OK, and she said she was "Fine." We conversed some on the drive home, with her apologizing and saying she was embarrassed she didn't acknowledge my husband. She maintained she didn't remember anything about reaching the house.
Here's the thing. As mentioned above, her house is at an elevation of about 2000 ft and our house is at an elevation of about 4000 ft. But we hit the 4000 ft elevation roughly 30 minutes into the drive, because of the terrain. And we stay between 4000 and 6000 ft for the whole rest of the 2-hr drive. She was not having any problem at all until we were almost within sight of my house.
Both my husband and I are positive she faked feeling "faint". She does have some passive-aggressive behaviors at times. Any ideas how to handle this?
Also, when she gets her pacemaker checked over, the other thing you can look at is episodes or events. The clever little beasties actually record things like A Fib down to the date - again, just ask the technician whose doing the checks.
The reason I suggest these two objective measures is that I remember well how incredibly frustrating it is when your mother 'coincidentally' has a funny turn just as there is something important to get done; and I personally found it helpful to have chapter and verse on what exactly was going on with mine. It also helps, I think, to have a handle on how badly her CHF will be affecting her. The level of fatigue might be very severe indeed. Renal failure makes you feel like poo, too. Your mother isn't necessarily just being a giant wuss when the fancy takes her.
But actually, it doesn't take much to wipe them out. Whether they're able to continue with the important thing once wiped out will, of course, depend to extent on how motivated they are to get it done. For example, my mother managed to be a complete trouper on the day we went on her VIP trip to a safari park; but she took a week to get over it, for one thing; and for another I blushed to my roots when the cardiac physiologist four months later identified that date as an "event." Other event days included an abortive cataract surgery, her birthday party, and an entire week when she had A Fib *every single day* which I won't go into because I'm still too upset and angry to talk about it sensibly.
TIAs, by the way, can affect any part of the brain and won't necessarily show any of the classic signs. You can get 'flat affect' as seen in depression; you can get nominal aphasia, visual disturbances - I suppose, in fact, when you picture blood flow to the brain, it makes sense that you can get a disruption in any function that is controlled by the brain, which means absolutely anything. And since, with CHF, what you're talking about can be as simple as poor or restricted blood flow, rather than a blockage as such, temporary or otherwise, the effect can be mild, severe, transitory or longer lasting. Think of a sponge that isn't get wetted evenly or thoroughly enough.
Um. I don't want to be a doom merchant, but you don't mention it: has anybody said anything to you yet about vascular dementia?
Panic attacks can out of nowhere, or something had triggered it, your Mom might not even know what the trigger was. It is something to watch in the future to see if she has any similar panic attacks, hopefully it was her one and only.
Re the pets -- I didn't ask her to take care of them, I've never asked her to take care of them. We have some pets in her home with me and her, and some with my husband at our place, and I take care of them all. One is a little dog who is hers and also a parakeet that is hers, I do all the caretaking of them as well.
As far as travel goes, Mom's doctors are all at least an hour's drive away and she has no problem with that, or with getting in the car and taking a nice long drive just to "get out". She always enjoys the drive up to our house and back, the clouds and changing scenery, etc.
If I'd remembered the oxygen, I would have taken it AND had her hooked up, but I simply didn't. I doubt it will slip my mind again, though, irrespective of what I think about yesterday's situation. Of COURSE her health comes first.
I hate to sound harsh here, but I cannot believe you wanted your Mom to take care of the pets. My parents were always my pet sitters but once they started their age decline in their late 80's I stopped asking them to help. Even though they were in good health, before using canes and walkers, it still was too exhausting, and too worrisome. I since paid pet setters to come in to help.
I agree with Jessie above, your Mom had a panic attack. What you describe happens to me, too. It does make you feel faint, but bending down to put your head between your knees doesn't help. A panic attack goes away on its own in about 20 minutes, but its a loooooong 20 minutes and you feel like you are going to die.
We just went through that when my father had an episode. I think the need for oxygen during the day had been increasing but reached a more critical level after doing laundry. The laundromat was hot, we're always both tired from being there. Suddenly he was really having trouble breathing.
It can also happen with anxiety; I learned that from nurses over a decade ago.
Perhaps your mother was upset, perhaps there was more humidity, more sand/dirt/ whatever, but I wouldn't definitely not question someone's need for oxygen, even if you thought she was faking. It's too critical an issue to take a chance.
If you carry a pulse ox with you, you can check it; that's a better way to check for sure. There was a reason she was scripted for oxygen 24/7; under Medicare guidelines, it won't provide oxygen for 24/7 if it's only indicated through testing for night use.
So at one time she did need oxygen during the day; those circumstances may have arisen again.
And always carry oxygen; when I had to for my father over a decade ago, I always took 1 tank for use and always 1 and sometimes 2 backup tanks. I wouldn't take a chance with someone's health.
It is a shame that you and your husband can't stay together and do things together. There has to be a better answer that would give you some more time for yourself. It might be expensive, but I have a feeling it would be worth the extra cost.
I don't believe she had a TIA -- used to know someone who got those, and this was not like that ... Mom didn't lose control of the use of her hands, didn't slump over, and didn't pass out. She put her sunglasses in her purse, and told me 15 minutes later where she put them, so obviously she didn't have "amnesia" about that.
I've been trying to find someone or some place local to help with 24/7 respite care, but so far no luck. This is not a large town.
Why you would move to take care of parents and yet move two hours away is beyond me. However, it is what it is. Your mom has no choice in the matter. Insist she go to your home several times a month. Unhappy or happy makes no difference. She WILL adjust. Give her a present or two pretty wrapped when she gets there...her favorite food for meals...wouldn't surprise me that she would begin looking forward.
Your hubby is an angel-boy. I'm quite sure this isn't how either of you pictured your retirement. Before I'd do what you're doing, I'd sell mom's place and move her in with me...or vice versa.
I would try to arrange things the way she wants and keep her as comfortable as possible. Long rides, would not be a part of the plan. It's not just how far she has to walk to the care. Travel itself can be stressful for a senior. At this point in her life, I wouldn't concern myself with whether she's passive-aggressive or not. I'm impressed she did as well as you describe.