Mom lives in a memory care unit that allows pets as long as the resident can take care of it. Mom is not remembering to leave down water for the cat and is mixing kitty litter with food. This cat is like one of her children. She loves it so much. How do I do this? Do I tell her in advance or does the cat just come up missing one day? I cannot take the cat but I have found a good home for her. Help! Any ideas how to do this?
EXCELLENT! GOOD FOR YOU!!
I have directly or indirectly care taken 8 people with dementia and one person with ALS. I have also done volunteer animal welfare work (spaying/neutering, rescue, placement) for 40+ years. As the caregiver or POA in charge, I believe the hardest processes that you have to do involve things that take away the independence of the patient.
For me, those have been taking away the driving privilege, making decisions about what and when to do with pets and whether or not it's time for nursing home placement. At some point, when you MUST make those decisions, especially if you're making them out of love and concern for all involved, it is a bit torturous even when it is necessary. It ISN'T controlling, it is our responsibility. You hold off. until you have to do it, but when the time comes, as hard as it is, you MUST do what is right.
Just like allowing a dementia patient to drive past the time that they should which is a recipe for disaster, choosing to leave kitty in an environment where s/he could be harmed is inviting the injury or death of a living being. The need for your mother to have her kitty is trumped by the potential for injury to her kitty. If she were of sound mind, she would never want her kitty to be maintained in those circumstances.
Congratulations for your clarity and your quick action to take advantage of a beautiful rehoming situation. Keep with your story, your "theraputic lie" and eventually mom will forget depending upon how your moms condition continues to deteriorate, which is the only direction it can go in. If the nursing home has visiting therapy animals, that's great unless it triggers your moms concern about her own kitty.
Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, etc. You just keep on keeping on, doing the best for them under constantly changing circumstances.
Alternatively, you might do a fact check first. Is the situation really as bad as the nurse is telling you? If the nurse didn't want the cat in the first place, maybe she is exaggerating to get rid of him. Or maybe there is some misunderstanding. Do other residents have pets? What do they or their families say about such problems, or about that nurse? Maybe other families have already found someone to come in and take care of their pets every day, who could do your mother's cat too. Maybe they know some other staff person who would be more helpful than this nurse.
What is really going on about 'litter in the food dish'? There are brands of litter that are made of just recycled newspaper ('Good Mews' brand?) that would not hurt the cat if some were put in the food dish. Cats are good at eating just the bits of food they want and sorting out any trash. Is the cat really in any danger?
When we discovered that my aunt, for whom I was all POA and executor, had alcohol dementia, she had 6 living pets. I was very firm with her that I had to take them to the vet. Sadly, 2 of them had to be euthanized but I was able to place the other 4. When she would ask about them, I just said they were at the vet. eventually she just stopped asking. There was no grieving or sadness and that was the best thing for my aunt, in addition to the animals having been properly taken care of.
crank clang whir bang bang pow bang. The sound of a trike in a garbage disposal.
First, I love Jeanne's suggestion. And orangeblossom is spot on: from what I've read of other people's experiences, ideally, don't store either the food or the cat litter where your Mom can see or fixate on it. This may not work indefinitely (for example, my Dad already can't seem to keep from continuing to add water bowls to the bathroom floor for his cats until there are 20 or 30 there, and no amount of my gently suggesting that 2 cats don't really need 30 bowls of water will convince him of this) ... but it might help at least to prolong the time she gets to spend with the cat that makes her happy in a way that is safe for them both.
Would it be possible to hire someone, possibly a high school student or two, to go in once a day and tend to the cat? Or might Mom do things (like add litter to the food dish) that would put the cat at risk?