How do we tell my cranky Father (87) that we are moving out of state?
He will not consider assisted living. I have suffered two rounds of cancer and my husband has had a massive heart attack in the last 2 years. We are only 50 years old. Our last child just left for college and we would like to have something that resembles a life. We have spent the last 10 years taking care of my mother who had Alzheimer's along with my father who has repeated episodes ending up in the emergency room excetera. We did not sign up for this. My father has been paying for long term care insurance for 25 years yet he refuses to consider assisted living. He insists he doesn't need any help not realizing we have been doing everything for him at the expense of our owm lives for years now. He has crashed his car twice in the last month. This man needs help and we are going to get out and save ourselves. Does anyone have any advice on how to break the news to him? this is a man who lives in California where there is a frighteni, he is the only person in the neighborhood whos half acre lawn is is emerald he called asked if his remote control stops working everything is an emergency and he expects my husband to come running please help.
In any case, you did not sign up for everlasting caregiver duty. You are certainly entitled to move away. Since your father has the resources available for other help, feel free to leave whether he allows you to help him make other arrangements or not.
I guess I'd just try plain English. "Dad, Hubby and I are moving out of state as soon as we finalize some details. It will probably be shortly after the first of the year. We are both going to be very busy until then, but if there are some things you'd like us to help arrange for you, we'll make the time to do it."
Cut back on the help you provide, to get him used to doing without you, and (maybe?) perhaps help him realize that he does need some help. I would not nag or plead or coax him about assisted living. You've talked about it before. He has the insurance. Let him figure it out, until he asks.
I would contact his doctor with a note saying Dad has been relying on you more than he admits even to himself, and that you are leaving the state soon.
You are only 50 years old. You deserve to enjoy your empty nest and live your lives in a way that pleases you.
Some facilities have free lunches for visitors to help introduce them to the place. That is one way to get your Dad to look at the place. Heavens, he might even see someone he knows from the past living there :)
As Jeanne above had mentioned, cut back on what you do to help him. Teach him to identify the appliances around the house and what they are for... and how to use each one. Let him do his own laundry, vacuum his own rugs, clean his own bathroom [ok, maybe that won't happen], and how to fix his own sandwich.
I am praying that my mother doesn't last a lot longer, She's miserable, she can hardly move, nobody visits her without me calling and guilting them into it....yes, she's cared for, but so lonely-- but she dug this pit. I was screamed at, had things thrown at me, told I was fat, dumb, stupid, a waste of space, too "expensive", worthless, the cause of all her problems--deal with THAT for 20 years and beyond and you get a tad callused. Whoa.....kinda went off topic. Basically, if my mother was holding me back from living my life at this point in my life.... wouldn't give her that much control.
See All Answers