I have been caring for my mother with dementia part time for 2 years, after a moderate stroke. My brother takes her for half the week, and I take her for the other half, but even with just part time, we both are getting burned out since she is getting worse. We have the same concerns about placing her somewhere because of all the horror stories, but reading in this forum has me wanting to look into a good AL facility. During the summer days, my mother loves to be outside walking, or sitting in the porch rocking chair, but during the winter, she hates the cold and cannot get outside. So she just sits around, watches a little TV, walks a lot in the house (she walks in patterns), but is not interested in reading, puzzles, playing cards, etc, all the things she loved before dementia took hold. So maybe an AL place could provide activities she could enjoy. She has been very cooperative with all that we have to help her with, but last week on two evenings, she got mad and combative while I tried to help her change a soiled pullup and get her dressed for bed. I was so shocked and hurt, even though I know her illness took over and it wasn't really her. But at the time, I just cried and finally had to give up, because Momma wasn't budging. So, how do you convince your parent that AL would be good for her? I feel guilty even considering placing her somewhere else. Also, another question (among many) is how do you all AFFORD it??? I have looked online and the average cost is $5000 PLUS per month? My mother isn't poor by any means, but the cost would deplete her savings in a couple years. Does anyone have knowledge of help with the cost? She has Medicare and a supplement, but I do not think it covers dementia care. Thanks for any encouragement and/or advice.
You will also need to put aside your pride, shock, hurt, more guilt, embarrassment, annoyance, and self recrimination.
You Will have to do this because placing Mom, with love and concern, just isn’t about you at all.
It IS, and must be, all about Mom.
IF you do very detailed, objective homework, there will be NO HORROR STORIES. If you have the wherewithal to drop by for 10-15 minutes at different times of the day, most days, you’ll know ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW about life at her residence.
If you treat her caregivers as you’d want to be treated for doing difficult, dirty, sometimes depressing work, and being LOVED and HONORED for doing it, those caregivers will LOVE YOU and LOVE HER.
So at some point, preferably sooner than later, decide WHERE, then decide WHEN, then decide HOW. Loving trickery is fine. Set up her room beforehand, with some of her nice little doodads and familiar photos and mementoes.
“Doctor’s appointment........, out to lunch........ride in the country......” .....whatever appeals and gets a peaceful result.
Take her to her room, hugs all around, move quickly- “We love you! We’ll see you in a couple days....!” LEAVE. It WILL be harder for YOU to leave than for her.
DO IT. Give her a couple days of NO CONTACT to adjust. No phone calls either. Accept staff reports on how she’s doing. Long term adjustment may be in months rather than days or weeks.
Hard? Horrible. But the best for her AND the best for you. Don’t turn back.
I can understand feeling guilty. I've got my own guilt over here too. Some day I'm going to have that convo with my mom and I am NOT looking forward to it. But when it is time we have to find the strength to do what needs to be done.
The cost of AL is daunting and her money will go quickly. I think the same thing about my mom. At the end of the money, they will have to move to a nursing home and be on gov't assistance to pay what is left of their bill every month after social security.
Good luck.
To start, a needs assessment will help to determine the level of care your mother needs. You can ask her doctor about how to start that process.
Medicaid is what funds nursing home care for low income Americans. Each state administers the program a bit differently, you may need help with the application process.